[Editor's Note: I love guest posts from regular readers and I know you all appreciate hearing a different voice. I especially enjoy getting well-written guest posts that require minimal editing. This one had me chuckling the whole time, so I'm sure you'll like it. This one is from Geoff Hubbell, MD. We have no financial relationship.]
Avid readers of the WCI blog will have noted several references to eating Alpo in retirement. Apparently this happens when somebody chooses jet skis and vacation homes over 401ks and Back Door Roth IRAs. This appears to be especially unforgivable in WCI’s eyes if you’re a physician, given the above-average earning power of even the lowest paid doctors. As best I can tell, a physician eating Alpo in retirement is considered to be as bad as a number one draft pick choosing to play for the Cleveland Browns in terms of squandered opportunity.
Alpo in Seattle
After a recent perusal of Seattle real estate prices, (hint: it’s expensive), I found myself questioning the alleged faults of eating Alpo in your golden years. I sure could use all that 401k money for gorgeous views of Puget Sound instead of some nebulous thing three decades into the future. My piano practice would certainly sound nicer on a $200k Bosendorfer 9 foot Imperial grand piano than my current used upright as well. I decided to test the waters of living-for-today by trying out some Alpo to see if I could talk myself into a different way of living.
Choosing between your 401(k) and Alpo? Be sure to taste it first like I did. Geoff Hubbell, MD, and his infamous can of Alpo
Right off the bat I had to make a choice at the grocery store between actual Alpo and the slightly cheaper store brand dog food. I eventually chose Alpo, reasoning that I would still have some modicum of pride in my latter years. I’m a doctor: I’m worth name brand. Besides, I’m sure all that money I’m paying into Social Security will have grown handsomely to let me afford the good stuff during the twilight of my life.
There was good news with my choice. Alpo comes with a pop-top. This means I won’t have to invest in a can-opener. That’s 99 cents I can apply to my Ferrari payments right there. The bright colors on the can will also look good as seen through the glass doors of the custom cabinets I’ll be sure to have in my dream mansion.
So is Alpo in retirement really that bad? YES! This stuff is absolutely terrible. The best way I can describe it is cardboard stroganoff. Sure, dogs eat it. Dogs also consider the cat litter box to be an hors d’oeuvre tray. I have a bit of a masochistic streak, (I once put a nasogastric tube in myself during residency so that I could truthfully tell my patients that I knew how awful it was) and was originally planning to eat the entire can in order to prove some bizarre point to myself, but I quickly gave up that idea. I was reluctantly forced to conclude that I would have to tell Gulfstream to cancel that order for my G650.
One Year With WCI
Gold Level Scholarship Sponsor
It has been about one year since I discovered the WCI blog, and during that time I have nearly doubled my 401k contributions, changed my portfolio entirely to index funds, refinanced my student loans through DRB, sold a Harley I bought on credit at 7% (forgive me WCI, I was young and stupid…at 31), and started an online savings account for my eventual home down-payment that earns a blistering 1%. Aside from the reams of paperwork involved with the refinance, none of this stuff has been all that difficult. Certainly it was nowhere near as difficult as memorizing the Kreb’s cycle or being on call in the ICU for 30 hours straight.
What do you think? Do you like Alpo? Did you find portfolio assembly to be worse than the Kreb's cycle? Comment below!
I’m planning on buying model x. But i have been saving for it. I told my self when my net assets reach 2 million, i will reward myself with a new car. I should reach there in less than 5 years, baring any health problems and bear markets.
It’s slightly ironic my most expensive auto was purchased right out of training, when I could least afford it, some twenty years ago. Fast forward and just about any vehicle is affordable, and I am more than happy to be driving a 5 year old Prius.
As a side note, car nirvana for me is the ability to easily operate the radio, a task that has become more complicated than a Whipple procedure in the newer cars. Fortunately, my Prius radio has not evolved much from the one in my first vehicle, an ’84 Accord.
My 100k Tesla is my “boat”. Bought it 2 years ago with cash after saving for it separately from all of my other retirement savings, 529’s, insurance etc that is recommended on this website. The 1.5 hours per day I spend commuting in my Tesla are absolutely LOVELY and I don’t regret it for 1 second. Was it a horrible purchase from an investment perspective. Yes. So is a boat. But I use it and I LOVE it!
I do not have a boat, a Tesla, or a (brutal) 1.5 hour commute. Of the three, the latter is the most shocking to me. You can always make more money, but you cannot make more time.
I guess we are cut from a different cloth. I place too much value on my time and my financial freedom to live like that. Enjoy!
My hospital’s parking garage is 1.5 blocks from my house and there are two prime spots that have connections for electric cars to charge. I wonder if I would have the same exuberant feeling driving in my Tesla for 25 seconds each way?
Impromptu: Yes you would, it’s that great a car!…But your cost per second of use would go WAY up 😉
Robert K:
Let me clarify a little…I travel to 2 different offices in a fairly major metropolitan area. I also usually take my 2 small children to daycare prior to work each day so I get to spend an extra 15 minutes with them in the car/at school. Non-traffic commute to my office from my house is about 20-25 minutes but with rush hour bumps up to 35 minutes. Total time spent in the car each day about 1.5 hours. Would I like to be closer to the offices, yes. But that is really not an option at this point, so I prefer to spend that 1.5 hours in a nice car.
Maybe not, but at least you could use the hospital’s electricity to charge it up from your other trips.
Love the idea of eating Alpo now as a motivating force. I may have to borrow that. – The Savings Coach
I enjoyed this. The WCI has improved so many lives outside of medicine…
*slow clap*
Was the “Set for Life” Ad featuring a jumping dog purposely placed?
Loved the post! Hilarious, but all too true. Thanks, good choice WCI on publishing. I hope to see another post from Geoff in the future.
Mind you, we have a high enough income, for the most part, to have the Tesla and avoid eating Alpo – provided we pay of student loans first, save 20% of our income (invested properly) and don’t go overboard on the Mansion. We can have some fun today and put enough away for tomorrow.
Sad to see so many doctors have to choose between a Gulfstream jet and groceries.
Solution is to just buy your jets by the hour… I think they come with food & drink included during the flight.
CPO Model S’s going for $70k. Wait a few more years and that’ll drop to $50k. Avoid that 3 year depreciation and drive a CPO.
I think once I get out of training, I’ll “reward” myself with a CPO luxury car (i know, i know…blasphemy – but I plan on paying off my loans swiftly) – E class, 30k miles for $35k or similar
@ACN Like moths to a flame, those of us who can least afford the fancy, schmancy auto are drawn to them the most, like moths to a flame.
I was with you until the last sentence. I would eat Alpo every day to keep driving mine. And there are CPO 60 kWh cars available under 60k, btw.
Ramen is both cheaper and better tasting than Alpo.
I love this portion from the song, “If I had a million dollars” by the Bare Naked Ladies.
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we’d just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That’s right, all the fanciest Dijon ketchups
Ramen might actually be more harmful to your health, believe it or not, than Alpo.
One thing to keep in mind (besides how awful Alpo is, I tried Mainstay Dry when I was a kid, it wasn’t that bad), is you don’t know the future. So while today it may seem you can afford the car, the boat. etc. one accident could wipe it out.
Naturally, we want to enjoy what we have earned, but just remember, nothing is guaranteed. :O)
That’s what the disability insurance is for.
Hilarious! Well written and funny!
Technical comment: the last paragraph of the article’s text shows up in my browser as a link to the set for life insurance company. My guess is that a link that was supposed to be terminated for the adjacent ad didn’t get terminated as it should have been.