Dating as a medical professional these days can be rough—especially if you’re dating with hopes of ending up in a committed, long-term relationship and having kids one day. In this column, I share my experience of dating with the intention of having a long-term, monogamous partner and a family.
Why did I write this column? Entering into a permanent partnership or marriage is a major financial commitment which can have major financial consequences. Aligning yourself and being open and truthful about your goals with your partner, along with building trust and commitment, allows for maximum success in a relationship.
Invest in Intentional Dating: Using Resources for Structured Conversations
Here’s one approach to making this life project a success.
#1 Start by Dating
Step 1 is pretty obvious: start by dating, intentionally. The dating apps are easy to burn out on, but they can still be a great place to connect with a person who has similar goals. Definitely use the settings on the app to signal your goals (i.e., “committed relationship,” “kids,” etc). There’s also nothing like good old-fashioned meeting people in the wild. Make it a point to go to or organize social gatherings. Talk to strangers after a workout class, say hi to someone at a bar, and go to parties. Parties are a great place to meet people. I met my husband on both Hinge and Bumble simultaneously. One of his jokes flopped on one app, and we kept the conversation going on the other a few weeks later. It wasn't until ONE year after we started a conversation on the app that we went on our first date. Do not hesitate to restart a conversation with someone with whom you are interested.
Another important consideration when dating is to give someone more than one date to grow on you, unless they do something that breaks your trust early. No one person is going to check every box on your “ideal person list.” What makes a strong and long-lasting partnership is trust, commitment, respect, and learning how to manage (inevitable) conflict together in a productive way. All sorts of other behaviors can allow a relationship to flourish or sink, which you can learn about by reading The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
I read this book after getting out of a long-term relationship that I thought was going to end in marriage. Turns out I was doing a handful of behaviors that were not productive, and my former partner also had their fair share of poor behaviors that broke trust and commitment. The time to read this book is now, whether you’re in a relationship that’s on track or just dating.
More information here:- Financial Conversations to Set Your Marriage Up for Success
- Dividing Responsibilities in Our Marriage to Accelerate Our Financial Independence
#2 Be Super Clear About Your Intentions
The first few dates are a time to build friendship and trust and to have fun. You don’t need to unload your entire childhood trauma or explore all sexual positions right away. It’s about getting to know each other and seeing how you feel around the other person. It’s also a time, if you haven’t already, to tell the other person what your goals are by using explicit language: “I am hoping to get married one day and have a family; how about you?”
Several people I know had a very nice time in a relationship with their significant other, but after 1-2 years, they realized they wanted different things in the long term. That’s a heartbreaking situation that can possibly be avoided with clear intention-setting relatively early on in the dating process.
#3 Suggest Dates with Structured Conversations
Once you’re a few good dates into the relationship—maybe you’re even exclusive—I recommend using a structured approach to future dates. This is something I brought up with my now-husband after maybe 10 dates. You’ll notice a theme, which is that I am a huge fan of the science behind the Gottman literature, and I use it all the time. I asked my partner if he’d be willing to do Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love as eight date topics over the course of the next 12 months as we got to know each other better.
He was on board right away, which was a good sign. We called it the “Eight Dates Book” and did about one date a month. Not all the conversations in the book went well. The conversations brought up some differences in the way we experienced and saw major topics, which we had the opportunity to navigate early on. Over the last few years, these differences are still present, and this probably will be true forever. But we’ve come to accept the other’s life experience and perspective.
Topics in the book include: trust and commitment, conflict, intimacy, work and money, spirituality, and dreams. This book is also a great conversation guide for those in long-term committed relationships. I bet we will revisit it again soon.
#4 Non-Negotiables
As mentioned previously, no one person is the right person. It’s about more than having the same favorite activity or decor style. Some things are non-negotiable in relationships: substance abuse, physical abuse, and the decision to have kids. The first two are obvious. Unfortunately, you can’t have half a kid, so this is something to come to a consensus about before taking the relationship to the next level of commitment.
#5 Openly Talk About Timeline
I found it helpful in my personal life to be open about my timeline with the people I’ve dated, which is either appreciated or can evolve into an awkward situation. Especially when you’re likely in training for the bulk of the dating time. This is particularly important to consider if you are planning to be a child-rearing person in the relationship. There are unfortunately some biological constraints to one’s timeline, and being open about that was helpful for me.
More information here:- The Financial Life Shift: What We Did When I Finally Started Getting Attending Paychecks
- Being a First-Time Mom and a New Attending Surgeon: It Can Be Done
- The Gender Role Reversal: Being the High Earner of My Family as a Woman
#6 Do Your Fertility Homework
If you are 30 years old and a single woman who wants to have a biological child, consider setting up a visit with a reproductive endocrinologist. These appointments can have a 1-2 year wait from the time of placing a consult to seeing the doctor, so there’s no harm in starting early. On average, egg quality and count go down around age 33, so if you’re going to harvest eggs to put them on ice, you need a little lead time. Or maybe you don’t plan to do that, but you learn about some other fertility factor specific to you that influences the options you have in the future. I am a huge believer that knowledge is power, so give yourself peace of mind.
#7 Bring in Other Resources, Like Therapists or Courses
OK, you're dating someone great who treats you well. But you have tiffs every so often that are hard to navigate. Maybe they can’t accept that you wake up at 4am to be at the hospital by 5am. Maybe your pager is giving them secondhand PTSD. There will always be perpetual conflicts in relationships, and having the toolset to manage these conflicts respectfully and productively is gold.
Cue the book Fight Right, also by the Gottmans. This is a great guide for destructive behaviors to avoid, called The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. There’s also valuable science around behaviors that result in relationship success, like “turning toward” your partner and focusing on a ratio of 5:1 positive comments to negative comments. Other resources include couples therapists or online courses. I have personally done “The Art and Science of Love” workshop by the Gottmans. They have an affordable online version you can complete at your convenience or a more costly in-person weekend workshop option in most major cities.
#8 Live Happily Ever After
Yay! You did it. We found our life partner, and now it’s just about living happily ever after. In reality, relationships are hard work, and they should continue to be rewarding. There are positive behaviors that can contribute to relationship health and destructive ones. Educate yourself and your partner about them and surround yourself with good resources, like the Gottman books. As we’ve read at WCI before, divorces are very expensive, so being intentional about who you partner with and how you maintain your relationship is key.
[FOUNDER'S NOTE FROM DR. JIM DAHLE: “Happily Ever After” suggests the relationship is dramatically easier after marriage than before, and I suspect most married people would disagree with that. At any rate, I'm a huge fan of intentionality (I loved Suggestion #3 above), and it is worthwhile to note some truisms about marriage in a short note here. For example, marriage generally increases wealth for relatively obvious reasons. It's cheaper for two people to live together than alone, and having someone who has your back health-, disability-, employment-, and death-wise is awfully beneficial. Plus, you and your spouse will hopefully talk each other out of a lot of dumb financial decisions.
Marriage also provides substantial legal protections, especially for a spouse who “sacrifices” career benefits in support of family needs and wants. Few people in the know think it's wise to “play house,” at least not for very long, or keep separate finances once married. Traditions are often traditions for a reason, and not all change is progress. Married people are also generally happier than both single and divorced people, and kids do far better (grades, finances, safety, health, etc.) living with married parents than unmarried parents.
The fertility and family issues discussed in this piece are particularly relevant for doctors due to the long training pipeline and the career demands even after exiting. It's just hard to date, get married, and have children—not only during school and training, but afterward, too. However, if you put it all off until things seem a little more stable career-wise or financially, you may find that chapter of life has passed you by. You had best be 100% sure it is a chapter you're OK not enjoying before taking a pass deliberately.
Date, get married, and have kids when the time is right for you to do so without regard to your career plans. I know plenty of people who have dated, gotten married, and had kids as undergrads, as med students, as residents, and as attendings while still being successful in their careers. It may take a lot of hard work and sacrifice (which you will probably view later as worthwhile), but you can do it, too.]
What do you think? When you were dating your significant other, did you have an intentional plan? If not, would that have helped?
Did you find this article helpful? Share it!
