[Editor's Note: Today's guest post was submitted by pediatric cardiologist Joshua Daily, MD, MEd. Divorce can be personally devastating and a huge setback for your financial goals. For other WCI posts that begin to tackle the complex subject of finances and divorce click here and here. We have no financial relationship.]
Navigating the Finances of Divorce
My Story
I had been out of fellowship for two years and had settled into life as a pediatric cardiologist. I was no longer working 80 hours per week, was earning a good income, had autonomy at work, enjoyed my colleagues, and had a reasonable work-life balance. I liked my job, and I felt like I was good at it. My family life seemed to be going well. My marriage had survived 10 years of medical training and all that entails. I loved being a dad. I put my kids to bed every night, was able to coach my son’s soccer team, and even taught a children’s class at our church. In short, life was good. One day I came home, and my wife told me our marriage was over. She left me and immediately filed for divorce. I was in shock. I didn’t see it coming. I was flooded with feelings of hurt, sadness, anger, hopelessness, and frustration. I barely had any time to process these emotions before I was forced to try to navigate through the complexities of the legal system, take care of my two young children, and face the financial ramifications of divorce.
I consider myself more financially savvy than the typical physician, and yet I found it difficult to identify helpful resources or understand some the financial aspects of a divorce. Having gone through the process myself, I decided to write this article to highlight the most important financial aspects physicians and other high-income professionals need to consider when going through a divorce. I hope that none of you experience a divorce. However, given the divorce prevalence among physicians of 24.3%, it is likely that many of you either have or will face a divorce. For that reason, I hope this article proves helpful for those going through a divorce and additional motivation to work on your marriages for all other married readers.
Fees
Divorces are costly, especially contested divorces. Lawyers don’t bill like physicians. Every minute they spend working on your divorce is billed, including meetings, research, sending emails, phone conversations, and drafting documents. Good lawyers are expensive with hourly wages between $250 and $500 per hour. The total cost of a contested divorce depends on a number of variables. According to one study, the average contested divorce involving child custody and support issues costs $19,200. However, for many high-income professionals, a contested divorce can easily exceed $30,000 and in some cases $100,000. As a result, if you and your spouse agree to an uncontested divorce, there is the potential for some savings. That being said, based on the additional variables discussed below, a good lawyer and a contested divorce at times can save you a lot of money in the long run if it leads to a favorable divorce agreement.
Division of Assets
Joshua Daily MD, MEd
Assets are considered either marital or non-marital property. Property is considered non-marital if it was acquired prior to marriage and marital if it was acquired during marriage. For example, contributions made during the marriage to a retirement account in only one spouse’s name are marital property. While the laws depend on your state of residence, in general, marital property is split 50/50, and non-marital property is not subject to division as part of the marital estate. However, judges have leeway in determining what constitutes an equitable division of property, and in cases in which they consider an unfair hardship to exist (as may be the case in a divorce between a high-income professional and a stay-at-home parent), they may deviate from the 50/50 split. The impact of the loss of half of the savings of a late-career physician cannot be understated, as this can completely devastate any retirement plans.
One particular asset that warrants specific discussion is a home. If one spouse desires to keep the home, then he/she will usually need to pay the other spouse 50% of the home equity and refinance the home to remove the other spouse’s name from the mortgage. This can be very expensive, especially for those who currently have a mortgage at a low interest rate. In addition, the spouse remaining in the home now must pay for all the home-related expenses from only his/her income, and thus selling the home and downsizing is often required.
Division of Liabilities
In general, liabilities (debt) are subject to the same marital vs. non-marital treatment. However, when a liability is tied to an asset (e.g. home mortgage), the spouse receiving the asset will also assume the liability. In addition, of particular interest to physicians, student loans are usually treated as non-marital liabilities even if they were incurred during the marriage. As a result of this treatment of student loans, in many cases, a physician will have a significantly lower net worth than his/her ex-spouse at the end of a divorce.
Alimony and Child Support
Alimony (spousal support) is financial support provided to a divorced person from the former spouse to allow the maintenance of a certain standard of living. Child support is paid by the non-custodial parent to the custodial parent to help pay for the expenses of raising children. The courts have discretion in determining the need for alimony, the amount awarded, and the duration. In the case of a high-income spouse married to a stay-at-home spouse, the judge may determine that the stay-at-home spouse supported the high-income spouse during training and has become accustomed to a certain standard of living and thus alimony is awarded. The guidelines for child support are much more specific but do vary from state to state. In general, the amount of child support awarded has very little to do with the actual costs of raising children, but rather is calculated based on the income of the non-custodial spouse (another contributor to the financial devastation of divorce to a high-income professional). In some states (including my own), child custody is still awarded in a case of joint physical custody. In this situation, the child support each spouse would owe a custodial spouse is calculated and the difference is paid by the spouse with the higher income to the spouse with the lower income. From a tax perspective, alimony is considered a deduction to the payer and taxable income to the recipient, however child support is not a deduction to the payer and is not taxable income for the recipient (Update: with the recent passage of tax reform, for divorces finalized after December 31, 2017 alimony is no longer a deduction to the payer). Other costs associated with raising children may not be covered by child support such as educational expenses, which are often the responsibility of the high-income spouse.
Taxes
Here is some more bad news. You must file taxes based on your marital status on December 31. So if you are divorced in December, and taxes were withheld throughout the year based on the assumption that you would be filing jointly, then you will likely owe a huge tax bill. Your options are either to file single or head of household. Head of household is definitely preferable. The parent who has the children for more than one-half of the year can claim head of household filing status. This should be considered in the divorce agreement even in the case of joint physical custody (e.g. if the high-income parent has the children for 183 out of 365 days, then he/she can file as head of household). This is different than determining who will claim the children as dependents, which is usually addressed in the divorce agreement. There are multiple options with regard to claiming dependents including alternating years between which spouse claims them and allowing each spouse to claim a different child as a dependent. In addition, all that money you spent on your divorce is not tax deductible.
Conclusion
In conclusion, divorce is terrible! It’s terrible on many levels, but in particular, if you are a high-income professional get ready for a huge blow to your finances. However, the magnitude of the impact can be minimized if one carefully considers the financial implications of each decision in a divorce and obtains high-quality professional help. My hope is that this article is both a helpful tool for those facing a divorce and a motivation to everybody else to love your spouses well and prioritize your marriages.
Have you been through a divorce? What advice do you have to share with those who are going through it? Share your experience and comment below.
Having two close friends go through terrible divorces in the last 8 years, I think this advice is pretty spot on. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through one as well. They really are terrible in so many ways.
One of those two friends I watched go through a divorce had an interesting twist to it. My friend had been pretty reasonable throughout the divorce process and tried to make it as amiable as possible. The friend offered the ex-spouse to pay off their student loans or give alimony for four years. Well, the ex-spouse chose alimony and then was angry when they had to foot an increased tax bill (which the student loan payment wouldn’t have caused). Complicated stuff!
It’s hard to watch people go through it isn’t it? The only consolation is that the terrible divorces often mean the end of a terrible marriage. Everybody loses financially. The longer I do this the more I realize the best investments are in exercise and building relationships!
Completely agree. Both of the divorces shattered my friends. Left them to pick up whatever pieces they could find.
Relationships, exercise, and eating healthy cannot be understated. I am working on that last one. Not my strength, but I want to be around for my wife and kids.
You are naive if you think communication and relationship building will prevent your spouse of 28 years coming to you one day and saying she is thinking of leaving.
You can be a saint and have done all the right things but people do stupid stuff knowing full well their future will be jeopardized.
If it happens, batten down the hatches and try to work it out. If you can’t , get all those advisors to start to work on protecting your assets. Amicable divorce (an ironic oxymoron) is preferable or at least a legal separation.
I got divorced in November. I filed for it. It was uncontested. Total legal costs $600. I gave my ex my equity in some property that we jointly owned. It took about a month. We were married 8 years and had no kids together. I think a couple of things I did were useful. Neither of us quit our jobs. In fact I went to part-time myself. I never raised his standard of living. I never signed on any debt he took out for his business. We had no joint credit cards. In fact I was filing taxes as married filing single. I had no prenup so I protected myself as outlined. My marriage was a late age mistake at age 52. It does not have to be financially devastating. I got some legal advice from an attorney when my now ex refused the pre-nup and followed it. Also I think if you are having an affair the ex will be vindictive and you will end up in court. I have seen this with several docs I know. These are the divorces that cost the high legal fees and >1 million payout to the ex.
Most of the devastating divorces I hear about seem to involve kids.
I got divorced a year ago after 20 years of marriage. My ex- and I both have jobs and there were no kids. So the divorce was largely a matter of dividing everything in half in the most efficient manner possible. Also, we’re both adults and managed to behave like them. Perhaps foolish, but I didn’t bother getting a lawyer. She did, but lacking alimony or child support or other kid-related items the divorce largely itemized our assets and said who got what.
My ex-‘s new partner had a much messier divorce in large part because of kids and a stay-at-home spouse. There was child support, alimony, and instances where the kids were held hostage to get a better deal. Yikes.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m sure it isn’t easy to share and be vulnerable like that. At least it wouldn’t be easy for me to share.
I’m not sure that we can control the outcome of staying married, but it is a great reminder for those of us married people to not take our spouse for granted. Personal finance is a team sport, even if one partner seems less involved.
Thanks for the article and I’m sorry you had to experience such struggles. A colleague of mine recently filed for divorce. They had a prenup and kept all finances separate while married. The divorce process was relatively simple and not too costly for the physician.
I realize that prenups are a touchy subject but considering that 1 in 4 physicians gets a divorce, getting one seams like a prudent decision. What are your thoughts? Would you get a prenup if you got married again?
More on prenups here: https://www.whitecoatinvestor.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-prenuptial-agreements/
For what it’s worth, that 25% divorce rate is about half that of the general population, and it’s even lower for two-doc couples, which is interesting, because the rate is higher for female docs working > 40 hours a week that are married to a non-doc.
https://hms.harvard.edu/news/doctors-and-divorce
WCI
the stats I have come across state about 10 percent divorce rate for dual physician couples. Any theory on why the rates are so much lower when both partners are doctors? financial security, greater empathy for work induced stress or similar education/intellectual level. Curious what you think. I like numbers. 10 percent seems doable especially when the going rate is 50 percent.
I think it’s mostly the first two things you cite (no financial stress plus understanding of the unique stress of medicine) plus one other thing- a lot of psychological pathology gets weeded out by the process of becoming a doctor. You can’t be too wacky and actually get through the training.
I would also suggest that dual physician marriages happen a little later in life. When people are more able to assess what constitutes a good partner, knows what/what not are deal breakers, more mature decision making processes etc.
Plus they’re just richer by then. Kids are much less of a financial drag later on as well.
While I understand why many physicians choose pre-nups, and I recognize that from purely a financial perspective they make sense, I don’t think I will get one if I remarry. This position is strongly influenced by my Christian faith. If I become a husband again, I believe that I have been called to love my wife as Christ loves the church which is fundamentally a sacrificial love. The message that I worry a pre-nuptial agreement would communicate is: “I’ll love you as long as I am happy and you meet my needs. If you don’t, I want to make sure I have a way out and don’t get taken advantage of in the process.” That is just not the message I want to give to my wife.
The law of the land (the state you live in) already has a prenuptial clause. By getting married in that state you in affect agree to that agreement. The reason to make your own prenuptial agreement is if you disagree with the default one provided by your state and opt to make an amendment.
The above is why I can’t understand the religious reason not to have one. By getting married you have signed said agreement.
There are of course other moral or philosophical reasons not to alter the default state provided agreement.
That I understand, but would consider a prenuptial written as an emergency back up plan to protect children from a previous marriage. Even with all the best intentions of everyone, state law may dictate one thing vs. another for children vs. step-children with a second to die spouse. You and your second wife may be fine, but if you predecease her, then she passes away, then your children would be at the mercy of outside influences unless things have been planned well.
Heartbreaking post. However, thank you for sharing. I know this information can help many people
Because of horror stories like this, and having partners getting divorces 2-3 (or more) times, I elected to stay single. And since I have such miserable genes, I had no children. I may have missed a lot but have maintained peace of mine and my retirement. I got my paternal needs met by interacting w/ all the children I saw at work over 40 years. And have had many close interpersonal relationships, most of whom are still close friends. This may not work for many, but it did for me.
interesting perspective David and one that sounds reasonable. I find that society creates “one norm” get married have kids etc. However I dont think it works for everyone. Marriage is a business decision and I dont think most people including docs understand why they are doing it or asking the right questions prior to getting married, particularly as it relates to the financial area.
Yes! Marriage is a BUSINESS decision! I wish someone had explained that to me before I married a med school classmate who had 30K in credit card debt from overspending as an undergrad. That is why it is called a marriage CONTRACT–two parties are agreeing to be obligated to each other on a number of levels. 16 years later and with 500K of joint debt, I got out, wish I had done it a lot sooner. Have spent the years since rebuilding financially but I am years behind where I should be. We did our own divorce with the use of a mediator but I wish I could have sprung for an attorney–the several I met with all wanted 5K up front, which was sickening, not to mention I barely had two nickels to rub together at the time. So the divorce cost $300 (you can download the paperwork) and several trips to a notary, plus one morning representing myself in court and agreeing to it all (he did not even have to attend). I have since regretted this approach because I let him keep the house because it was underwater anyway and I wanted the kids to be able to stay in the only home they had ever known. Which meant that I went out and took on more debt buying myself another house, got nothing for the house we owned together and I am still on the deed which has complicated my ability to straighten out my own finances. But overall, divorce was the best personal finance decision I ever made.
I’m seeing parallels between this and Passive Income MD’s recent post about going into business with a friend (or more specifically, the comment section about the pitfalls and ruined friendships of doing so). Marriage is an even more encompassing version of that, and most people don’t give more than a thought or two about the legal/contractual/financial ramifications when they’re getting married.
Speaking to prevention, it is useful to dig deep into how men and women are attracted to each other. These are not choices, and spouses are not immune from our brutal biological hardware. Men are attracted to youth and beauty. Women holistically look for men with status, resources, virility, and social dominance. Male doctors have status and income , but fail when they become supplicating, whinny, unfit. Women doctors fail when they become unfeminine, ugly, and unsupportive. To refute this is to deny one’s biological tetherings..
What are you saying? that she cannot be smart and hot at the same time. LOL .
I feel like things are changing a bit lately. Long gone are the days of the wealthy businessman marrying the beautiful secretary. I still see some doctor/nurse relationships but they are less common. Instead, almost all of my peers are in dual professional marriages.
yes, i agree.
the days of just sitting around the house and attempting to produce 15 sons is no longer financially attractive. I think if financial freedom is a goal that is very important to you then you better find someone who also considers it a priority. The chances of you achieving that goal are more realistic if both parties bring something to the table.
Everyone is attracted to youth and beauty. Not just men.
Being attracted to someone physically and being attracted to them because they have power are two different things.
This is a societal/cultural issue, not a biological one.
First of all I have to say thank you for putting your name and face to it. I would not have been brave enough to do it. We are having some marital issues ourselves that we are trying to work it out. I would have felt like a failure and would have tried to hide it, so kudos to you for writing it up. Its a pretty basic post but its still good. As for prenups they usually dont hold after a decade or so, its better to establish a trust before second marriage so the stuff does not belong to you but to the trust instead.
I would have loved to hear more aspects from you, like what happened, why did it happen and how were you emotionally affected? The kids must have been devastated as you would been.
Our family went through a lot of hardships, health problems and lack of friends and life as it happens with kids. Somehow it just made her distant, sort of like middle life crisis. While I was working and busy saving for retirement, getting kids to soccer and working on their school, my wife through all the health stressors (and there were many), became distant. Our sexual connection was little off as well (sadly more for her than mine). Drifting somewhere she would start feeling chemistry towards others. Somehow as things pile up, we had a big talk and we decided to do more for us together. We cut down on kids activity, so they can go to bed early and we have quality time with the kids rather than being a chauffeur to soccer practice 4 times a week. I made effort to spend time with her most nights after kids were asleep. If we had to watch a movie in 4 sittings, than it was 4 sittings, rather than not watching at all. We started doing more date nights, more sex, and doing stuff for ourselves sometimes at kids expense. But I knew if we get through this, its going to be better for the kids. I read a lot on Gottmon website about how to make marriage work as well.
But the wind just does not blow one way, and with me working all the time and taking care of kids and her as well, while she being a stay home mom and spending most of her time at Gym, I felt unhappy and unsecured (dont know why humans or maybe its just me want relationship security). I started talking to more people/ girls at work. Some how one day she figured it out that there may be people interested in me. This just changed her a lot. Beside getting very angry, she started making big changes, getting the house clean, spending more time with me, better sex and doing more with kids as well. There is no one I have loved more in my life than her (besides the kids) and I was not going to throw it away in a stupid affair, but her realizing other people are interested made a huge difference some how (Dont know how woman works still). And now we are working towards a better us, a better family. Frankly all the extra time I now spend with her, its relaxing to me and I wish I had done it earlier. I dont know where this will end, if our midlife crisis will come back and if we will end up with divorce, but somehow all this had made me look in to my self, and I am trying to enjoy my life more and take those little moments I have with kids and her and enjoy them and squeeze few minutes here and there to do something that I enjoy myself. One thing that really helped me when I was in panic mode and thinking if I am going to become a divorce statistics was talking openly with my one brother and one sister out of few. They really provided a stable ground for me and talked with me everyday on phone. On a silver lining, we still talk everyday now instead of once a week as before.
I hope we have a happy life together for its good for me, the kids (and for her) and my retirement but I have come to accept slowly I have no clue what life brings or what lies ahead. So I try to work towards future while I try to enjoy the present.
Thank you for sharing. I can see this happening with a lot of marriages and am glad it has worked out well for you so far.
I really appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and share your story. In writing this article, I tried to balance being vulnerable and not airing too much of my dirty laundry. In trying to walk this balance, I didn’t reveal much of my story. My divorce was uncontested and was finalized in November of 2017. I am the primary physical custodian of my two boys, ages 3 and 6. My mother ended up moving in with me to help me take care of the boys. My 3 y/o is a really happy kid and seems to have done well with the transition. My 6 y/o has acted out quite a bit, but with the time, consistency, and the help of a counselor, he seems to have turned a corner. I struggled with hurt, shame, anger, sadness, and loneliness. But I have been well-loved by friends, family, and God and have tried to choose the path of healing and growth. While I am still recovering from my divorce and never want to go through this again, I have reached a point where I can see the good that has come from it. I am a healthier person, a more engaged father, a better friend, and a kinder and more compassionate cardiologist.
I am always dumbstruck by how much more everything costs in my circles in NY. I was in a similar situation to the original blogger. I just completed a divorce. I settled a contested divorce. As a highly paid anesthesiologist with a stay at home spouse, NY made me pay for everything. The legal fees were over $200,000 in 7 months prior to my settling. I have numerous friends who had longer divorces and paid closer to $500,000 in legal fees. How can a divorce only cost $19,000? Every email billed at a minimum of 0.2 hours and a rate of $500/hr would use up $19,000 quickly. Every court appearance where you show up on time and sit around for one to two hours to see the judge would cost thousands. Every petition sent to the court that takes hours to write costs thousands. Forensic accountant to investigate one’s own business cost $10,000 +.
The original poster fails to mention the biggest threat to one’s financial future outside of alimony and child support. In some states, one’s education is considered marital property. One’s spouse can divorce you and then try to argue that they deserve a certain percentage of all future earnings as marital property!
man that sounds painful. everyone has their own opinion on pre-nups, but I strongly believe that if there is a significant gap in the earning potential of the two spouses then a pre-nup is a must!
Good summary of things to consider. I hope no one ever has to use this info but as you said, a quarter will. Whenever I talk with doctors who have been divorced, they always feel they got a raw deal. Now I see some of the reasons why. It isn’t an equitable split.
Dr. Cory S. Fawcett
Prescription for Financial Success
The stakes in any physician divorce are high, particularly if one partner is a substantially higher earner. As such, I also highly recommend a prenup as a form of relatively inexpensive “divorce insurance.” The highest liabilities that I could think of are
1) Asset division and essentially loosing 1/2 of what has been saved
2) Alimony- rarely used as a backstop to keep a stay at home parent from financial ruin, now with a creep on implementation to maintaining a standard of living (a typical American standard of living without a high savings rate). Additionally the tax treatment of alimony has changed as of 2018 so it’s no longer deductible for the person paying it making it a VERY expensive proposition for new divorces and the person paying for it at a higher marginal tax rate.
3) Child support, which rises as income rises and isn’t what it actually takes to raise a child but this is fixed by the court and can’t be addressed through a prenup.
My fiance and I recently went through the process and were able to get a good template online. It was a nice process since we were able to build it together by answering questions and talking through issues in building the document. I found this preferable to one person hiring a lawyer and the other being presented with a document and being asked to “sign this.” However, at least in California both parties have to consult with an attorney and have a Certificate of Representation signed with them in order for a waiver of alimony to be enforceable, and this also helps the rest of the document to hold up if challenged. There also has to be a 7 day waiting period between when each party receives the document and when it was signed, it can’t be under duress, and it can’t be unconscionable when enforced (ie one party would be left with no assets and destitute at 70 years old while the other is a millionaire). In all it was a pretty easy process, cost a few hundred dollars and will hopefully be something we never have to think about.
For our prenup with did separate property rather than community property so in the event of separation we will maintain our own retirement and investment accounts. Split 50/50 all community property such as a primary residence, joint financial accounts or other joint investment/business ventures. We did waiver of alimony as well since we are both doctors and working before the marriage and capable of self support and didn’t believe in the CA “maintenance of standard of living” clause which would apply otherwise due to our respective specialty choices and different incomes. Finally we had an arbitration clause hopefully to minimize expensive lawyer fees if something were to come up.
you sound emotionally and financially mature! I do not understand why people become so offended at the notion of discussing a pre-nup before marriage. It doesnt lessen your commitment to the partnership. Good for you!
I think if you both weren’t doctors that may have went another way. If you spouse was a stay at home spouse, or in the future one of you decides to stay at home and make/invest less and the marriage fizzles….. The one that stayed at home gets the short end of the stick. Also it may lead to second thoughts on any one of you stepping back from your career to raise kids. What I have seen in two Physician couples that I know is that once kids come someone has to always take a step back and be there. Nannies cannot raise the kids and do what a parent would do in every situation. While your pre-nup experience sounds very simple and straight forward, it may cause an issue later.
I’d like to give you another perspective. You see I’m the spouse. I gave up my career 19 years ago to raise our children. I manage our finances and I have to say he has minimal interest in that aspect of our life. I’ve gotten most of his student loans paid off and am working on the final two. He has a retirement plan because I made one.
Yet, he is the one who put the marriage in danger, by having a year long affair with one of his partners. Unfortunately, I am uniquely aware of what leaving him will do to me financially. So I have swallowed my pride and worked my ass off to make this marriage work (admittedly, he has too.) We now have a post-nup in place. I am being paid alimony even as I stay. If something like this happens again, I will have the financial option to leave. He knows this.
Divorce is not just financially disastrous for the physician, but often for the spouse too. The quality of life we may have been leading, the ability to stay home with the kids, the ability to have the retirement we always thought we would are all thrown out the window in a divorce. Especially for females. Statistically we are financially worse off – which is a strong incentive to make a marriage work even after a major breach. It does stink though.
“which is a strong incentive to make a marriage work even after a major breach”
Sounds to me like the incentive would be to earn your own money so you are not dependent on his. A financially independent woman can walk away.
I guess I wish I had a crystal ball all those years ago when we made the decision to prioritize childrearimg. Then I could have used your advice. But since that wasn’t our priority (my maintaining my ability to be fonancially independent) we are where we are now. That is why the post- nup is in place.
Thank you, CK, for showing us the other side of the coin. Best of luck.
CK, I admire your strength and resolve. His too if he acknowledges the affair and is working to make the marriage stronger. I’m curious though, is the post-nup a legal document or just an agreement between the two of you? Also, I think the in-place alimony is a clever idea, but how does it differ in practice from a division of marital assets? That is, if it were joint savings would the effect not be the same if the pre-nup just gave you a certain percentage?
Currently the post-nup is private agreement. If I become concerned about needing more formality it will become more formal. It is true that it would probably be still considered marital property even though it is in an account that is in my name only. It is to ve used to fund a security deposit on an apartment and to tide me over during a job search- so it would not benefit him to really try to take it from me.
Trust is the hard thing to recover. I wish you the very best and I hope you never need that security deposit.
CK,
Thank you for your post. My response is not an attack on you or your comments but I want to state a few things that I think you glossed over. It is an honor and a privilege to be able to stay at home and raise the children. The children are now grown (“gave up job 19 years ago”) have you considered going out and getting a job to help earn money and to interact with people? Even if it is not the same job you left 19 years ago it might be rewarding and fulfilling to you. While he went out to work you stayed home and worked. Because of your financial smarts and interest you were able to pay off the student loans with the money you both earned (him at work job you at home job) and set up a retirement account for the both of you. If you got divorced do you think you would not be awarded half of what is in those accounts?
That he cheated on you is selfish and wrong. It sounds like you are staying with him based on financial decisions. You commented on what leaving would do to you financially. I hope that the two of you are seeking professional help to work on the marriage.
You are correct that a divorce is financially bad for everyone involved (except maybe the lawyers).
I don’t know what state you live in but in general a 19 year stay at home wife who divorced a high net earner could expect at least 50% of all marital property, 50% of house, 50% of retirement accounts, and probably some spousal support (alimony) for a time period and possibly the rest of your life. Also you could expect some type of Social Security for him also.
The oldest is now grown. I’m not quite done with my job yet. But to your point, after speaking with several attorneys, in my area, alimony is briefly awarded to get the spouse “back on her feet” to go get a job and move on. It would not matter that I had been part of a partnership that “earned” half of $300k per year- and now could only earn $30-40k on my own- that would be my tough luck. After 27 years of marriage.
I see it like our investments. We buy and hold. Some years (2008 for instance) they are down- but I didn’t sell- I waited it out. As long as he continues to work on himself- the investment pays off and I can live with it. Not romantic- but a hellofa better reality than working for the next 15 years at $40k waiting for half his pension.
I really just want people to understand that the spouse is not likely walking away flush either. Divorce stinks for everyone involved.
Sounds like you’re really trying to avoid earning your own money. Is being stuck in a loveless shell of a train wreck marriage worth the retirement income that you are waiting for? Are you really sticking around so you can get “your half”? Or to preserve the marriage “for the kids”? Or is it really because you are afraid of going out into the world and creating your own life? When are you going to do something for yourself? Your children will eventually understand and have compassion and respect for your situation. And you are also denying yourself the opportunity to meet someone who is a better match for you, maybe he is out there and you will never know it. You are choosing the safety of the known over the uncertainty of the unknown–and the only one who will suffer for it is you. Stop making excuses, stop playing the victim, get over your fear and go out and live your life for yourself.
Wow
CK. I think you will be ok. I am OB/GYN so I have heard it all in regards to affairs. Some women can recover from this and stay married. I know of one patient who divorced and remarried the same man several years later. If you read the FIRE blogs you may have enough money to live just fine without going back to work. I hope you are getting counseling.
CK,
I’m not sure why your post is catching so much negativity from other readers. I am a highly reimbursed doc with a stay at home wife and two young kids. Sentimentality aside, I really don’t have anything more valuable in a financial sense than my wife. I she left me or died, I would require nearly 24-7 child care for two kids. This could easily run $60k+ per year after tax. She also keeps the household running including cleaning, cooking, shopping, dealing with plumbers, electricians, well diggers, garbage men, oil changes, car repairs, deliveries, etc., etc., etc. Who knows what a personal assistant would cost? A cook? A housekeeper? She arranges our vacations and weekend activities – I mean – I really think that I would have to earn $150k per year or more to cover what she brings financially for our family (would be an interesting blog post). Bottom line is I sleep easy, travel easy, and work easy knowing that she has our kids and our household. This is gold. Not to mention marriage is an equal partnership and a contract. Really confused by the negative comments….
Marriage is selfish. Divorce even more so.
Only victims are kids, especially if they are young.
These adults generally aren’t victims, either they’re emotionally underdeveloped, naive or poor decision makers. Probably all.
Kids are the victims.
Like investment properties, you make money when you buy. Same with marriage, choose wisely.
Also just like investment properties, marriage requires CONSTANT service and maintenance. This is where 98% fail.
Stephen Covey touches on the difference between Love the FEELING and Love the VERB so well in his 7 Habits book. It is absolutely essential reading and re-reading, just that one part.
Truth hurts. Reality bites.
Too many people on here saying “Yeah! Way to go!” without addressing elephant in room.
that analogy for marriage…is pretty good. is that yours or did you get it from this book?
I appreciate your willingness to emphasize the importance of work and commitment in a creating and maintaining a healthy marriage. However, going through this divorce has changed my perspective somewhat. I shudder as I think back about my prior attitudes toward my colleagues who experienced divorce. I remember thinking, “This is what happens when you make work your life. I will never let that happen to me.” I now realize three things. One, someone looking in from the outside does not know the whole story. Two, we are all imperfect and struggle to balance our home and work obligations. Three, I would not wish the pain that comes with divorce on anyone.
thank you for writing the article. I hope you are taking care of yourself and have a good support system around you.
This is ignorance. I was married 19 years to a supposedly Christian anesthesiologist. We have 5 beautiful children. He had a sex and porn addiction that broke us when I found out he had been DRUGGING me for sex. To say that divorce is a selfish choice and only hurts the kids? Whatever. I chose divorce over rape. The one spouse rule is great unless you find yourself in a horror story that was completely undeserved. Divorce still has this stigma that somehow you chose wrong and deserved what happened to you. Shame on you for perpetuating this.
That sounds positively terrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I am so sorry you went through this. To receive betrayal and abuse from the one you most trust is horrible. No one should have to deal with the deep pain and loneliness of divorce and then also face others acting as those it is your own fault. DivorceCare (https://www.divorcecare.org/) has provided a community where I have been able to walk down the path of healing in a nonjudgemental space, and I would highly recommend it to you.
You made the right decision.
Dr. Daily, thanks so much for bravely sharing this story, and letting us benefit from the wisdom of your experience. I’m sorry you had to gain it in the first place, and I hope you and your kids are doing well. Thanks also to those who have posted your own very personal stories above. I am happily married, and this article is a good reminder to me never to take that for granted.
My wife and I have been together for college, med school, residency, and attending. She raised children, ran the house and finances and gave up her career to do it. She is at least half of my success and deserves half of our assets and half of my income going forward. Even if we are divorced.
It’s funny how this website promotes investing yet marriage is one of the worst financial decisions to make, especially if you are a man. You get no benefit and have everything to lose and probably will. Women initiate 80% of the divorces and divorces are very common. Two people who love each other don’t need to financially bind themselves or can be more realistic and realize that staying together with one person for the rest of your life is an unrealistic proposition todays time.
You make a solid point. Marrying someone in the same financial bracket will however reduce some of the risk but not completely eliminate it. Go with someone that brings something to the table!
Man, I thought I was cynical.
This had to be said. Not sure why this wasn’t said earlier. The incentives for divorce are real. You don’t have to be a financial guru to spot a bad deal.
Briffault’s Law is the rule, not the exception.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/machiavellians-gulling-the-rubes/201610/briffaults-law-women-rule
I can’t believe ✒✒✒✒✒✒[ [email protected] yahoo. com ] could bring my boyfriend back!!! I am so impressed with the result, everything happened so fast
Yep worked full time while my wife was in residency, gave up my career as a neuroscience researcher for her higher paying career and to stay close to family. So I went part time to raise the kids.
Being a physician is so demanding with electronic records, charting, needy patients, the opiod epidemic. I am sure my wife would be 100% surprised if I filed for divorce but the signs have been there for a decade. First MDs have to have a nearly pathological work ethic to even make it through med school. Then the spouses expect the several year sacrifice to be worth it, and find themselves 5 years post residency with no change in workload. They come home, eat, play with kids, chart and the person you married checked out years ago.
May I ask you aninymous personal question?
How has your family’s expenses been? Does your physician spouse feel like they need to keep working and working to keep up your current lifestyle and expenses? If so, to whom is this lifestyle mostly attributes to?
I ask because I see doctors working ever so hard because they themselves are spending a lot vs spending for their family and their family’s expectations. Sometimes it’s mutual.