By Dr. Julie Alonso, WCI Columnist
For a short period of time in my marriage, my non-medical husband made more money than me. This was when I was in medical school with $0 income (or, really, a negative income since I was accruing loans) and during the first few years of residency. Once I got to fellowship, the roles started to reverse from the traditional gender-based norms, and I became the primary earner in the relationship. This setup has had both its benefits and drawbacks, along with some strong feelings that it elicits from me, my husband, and others in our lives. Our income gap has widened and shrunk at various times, but it has persisted through our years together.
For female physicians, this arrangement is likely becoming more common as we now make up the majority of doctors coming down the pipeline—which, of course, comes along with being high earners. According to the AAMC:
“The 2017-2018 school year was the first time the matriculating class of medical schools was over half women, and 2019 brought the first year where women made up greater than 50% of all medical students (50.5% to be exact).”
It reminds me of the T-shirts that say, “I became the doctor that my parents wanted me to marry.”
How does one define “primary earner” in a relationship? If you make roughly the same amount within a certain range, this term would not apply. Generally speaking, the primary earner makes at least 60% of the income and a sole earner makes 100% (obviously). If both earners in the relationship make between 41%-59% of the income, this would be labeled as “egalitarian.”
Apparently, I fall into a category of ~10% of opposite-gender married women who are the primary earners. This figure may be misleading for doctors—among wives who earn $100,000 or more, 43% are the primary earner in the marriage—but I’ve typically made between 75%-85% of our income through various time periods. I solidly fall into the primary earner territory.
I wondered how much more common my situation was becoming.
Being the High Earner as a Woman
According to a recent Pew Research Study, the percentage of households of opposite-gender marriages with the husband as the primary or sole earner has been gradually decreasing during the past 50 years (1972-2022)—from a whopping 85% to the current figure of 55% (it's noteworthy that it is still the majority of relationships). The next most common category was egalitarian in 29% of relationships. The least common category was the wife being the sole or primary breadwinner at 16% (10% primary and 6% sole), although it's still slightly more than triple the figure of 5% in 1972.
My husband and some of his friends have joked that he is “living the dream” of “marrying a doctor,” which made me feel empowered but also kind of irritated. But at least I have the security of knowing that he did not pick me because of my income. When we met, we were still in high school, although—full disclosure—I did tell him that I wanted to become a doctor. Who knows, maybe he was the only 17-year-old boy more focused on the income potential of his future wife than on football games, homecoming, and final exams.
I have a lot of friends who married other doctors, and I have even daydreamed about having a second physician salary in the family. But while dual-physician marriages are common, they are still the minority of medical marriages. Per a Medscape survey, 25% of women physicians are married to doctors, while 16% of male physicians are married to doctors. A large portion of dual-physician couples who work full-time likely fall into the egalitarian income category, unless they are in very discrepant fields with respect to salary (i.e., a pediatrician married to a plastic surgeon). While some non-medical spouses are also high earners, many are not.
How does this affect the relationship emotionally and physically?
There seems to be a sweet spot. Interestingly, data from the Panel Study of Income Dynamics 2001-2015 showed that psychological distress for men was at its lowest when the wife made ~40% of the income. Presumably, the husband had the knowledge that he made more but with the security that there was still another income stream and that supporting the household financially did not rest squarely on his shoulders. The husband’s psychological discomfort increased incrementally as the wife earned more of the income and peaked when the men were completely dependent on the income of their wives.
It still goes to show that men who do not financially support the household, whether by choice or otherwise, may feel emasculated or upset by their own or societal expectations.
This effect was not seen when the reverse circumstances were present. In other words, when the wife’s relative income was smaller than 40%, the husband did not feel the same level of distress even in the face of increased financial responsibility. Again, it seems that traditional gender expectations are playing a big role here.
Of course, there is some stress to being the solo or primary earner regardless since there is less of a buffer if I lost my job or could not work. I know that I’ve felt the pressure on me to support my family, which my husband has not had to confront. I’ve been the primary one funding our savings, retirement, college funds, investments, etc., and that can sometimes feel unfair. I guess I’m not immune to the influences of traditional gender roles either. When I switched jobs about five years ago, I made sure that I had another job with health insurance benefits lined up. I did not have the luxury of taking time off to re-group.
One other piece that I found relevant was that the connection between the husband’s psychological discomfort and the wife’s portion of the income was not found in relationships where the wife was the higher earner at the beginning of the marriage. This highlights the role of marital selection and expectations. If the wife is the higher earner at the outset, the situation is already known and accepted. It may be self-selecting for men who feel more comfortable in these types of relationships and feel less threatened by a spouse who earns more than them. Considering that my spouse and I were married before I was a doctor, we would fall into this category. He has never seemed bothered by my higher income (and certainly has not complained about our nice house, travel, and financial security, either).
What factors influence whether the woman is more likely to be the primary or sole earner? The obvious one is the level of education. The higher the woman’s formal education, the more likely she is to out-earn her husband. This trend will likely continue as more women are pursuing higher education than ever before. There are racial and ethnic differences, too. Black women were much more likely to be the higher earner in their marriages (26%). Hispanic women were less likely to be the primary breadwinners. Wives without children were more likely to be the primary earner than those with children (20% vs. 15%).
Overall, dual-income couples of all types tended to have a much higher income than sole-provider marriages, which is also not surprising. There is not as much research out there on income discrepancies within same-gender couples. Recent US Census data shows that same-gender married couples have a higher median income than opposite-gender married couples. But this skewed higher in male relationships, while female relationships were on par with opposite-gender marriages when all ages were included. However, these studies did not address the question of one partner being a significantly higher earner over the other.
More information here:
You Should Invest Like a 50-Year-Old Woman
Women and Money: Myths That Hold Us Back
When the Wife Is the Primary Earner
There are several things to consider or account for in opposite-gender relationships where the wife is the primary or sole earner. (Many of these apply to the opposite scenario as well.)
Societal Beliefs
Americans still have a lot of preconceived gender-based notions in relation to this topic. Almost half (48%) of the people in a survey thought that men would prefer to be married to a woman who made less than them. Only 3% thought men would want to be married to someone who makes more than they do. I know I’ve felt self-conscious about being the higher earner and sometimes shy away from talking about it. Some women may feel judged or men may feel embarrassed or ashamed to go against societal expectations.
Risks
There are unique risks and stresses to being the sole or primary earner. The threat of job loss, disability, or other disruption to work could affect these households significantly more than the egalitarian households, which have more of a safety net to fall back on. Pausing or removing the income of the sole or primary earner can have heavy consequences. There is less flexibility or opportunity for the higher earner to take a risk, take time off, leave a job where they feel burned out, or venture out into their own practice. When I encountered increased stress in a prior job, it made me feel frustrated and trapped until I could change my circumstances.
Shared Assets
Even when one spouse earns more, it is important to consider marital assets as shared in whatever way you agree upon. You have made a legal and financial commitment to each other, and this underscores the importance of honoring that commitment. If the higher earner expresses that the assets are more “theirs” because they make more money, this can breed resentment from their partner. For the lower earner, they may have feelings of guilt for not contributing as much financially. Fortunately, my husband and I have always shared our assets and try not to fall into the trap of thinking this way, although it’s not always easy. On the plus side, I can treat myself to some new clothes or jewelry without feeling like I need permission (or because I’ve earned it???).
Non-Monetary Gains
We were fortunate that my husband worked from home for the last dozen or so years. Once we had children, the savings of having him at home with a flexible job schedule added up. We avoided daycare costs completely. He was home with the children a few days a week when they were really small, and my parents generously took care of them the other weekdays when I was in fellowship. Even when they started part-time preschool, we did not have to pay for early-care, after-care, or holiday care like many of the other dual-working parents. This persisted until they outgrew the need. The cost savings of these examples added up to tens of thousands of dollars as well as peace of mind, which is priceless. If you look, you can find savings in other places too if you have a partner committed to contributing to support the household despite them earning less.
A great deal of these examples also bucked gender norms as my husband took on more of the childcare, cleaning, cooking, playground dates, sick care, etc., which is traditionally thought of as “women’s work.” He was often the only father on the playground amidst a sea of mothers who stayed at home or worked part-time. I sometimes felt left out, and it bothered me that I was missing out on this time. The gendered expectation that the mother should be the one at home with young children weighed on me. Even for couples without children, these savings can be present. If one partner can be home to coordinate with repair people, prep meals, buy groceries, or clean the house, this can avoid having to hire people, buy takeout, or pay for help at a greater cost.
What to Know If You're the Female High Earner
If you are in a scenario where you, as the woman, are the primary or sole earner, here are several things to consider (many of these apply to the opposite scenario as well).
Setting Expectations
When I started moonlighting in residency to earn extra money, my husband agreed to pick up more of the housework, like cleaning and household errands. We both agreed that this was a sound financial decision since I could earn a lot more working moonlighting shifts in the ED and urgent care than he could by picking up a part-time job. The most important thing was we had this conversation up front, set reasonable expectations that we both agreed to, and both felt that we contributed input. Having a division of labor among the household tasks that is accepted as fair and highlights each person’s strengths is helpful.
Financial Decision-Making
Even if one partner earns less, it is still important that both partners have a role in financial input and decisions. The lower earner is still hopefully contributing to the household, and they likely want their thoughts and opinions considered. Financial decisions should be agreed upon and ideally made in a balanced way. Of course, one partner may take more of the reins of managing the finances because they have more time, interest, or knowledge than the other, but significant financial decisions should still be made together. If one partner prefers to defer to the other, that may work for some relationships, but those parameters should be set beforehand. In my household, I’ve always had more inclination toward math and numbers and enjoyed learning about financial topics. I tended to be the one paying the bills, observing our accounts, and monitoring our savings goals. Again, this went against traditional gender roles, but it worked better for us.
Red Flags
There are some red flags to watch out for in scenarios with significant income discrepancies. If one spouse seems uncomfortable, distressed, or unsupportive of the other spouse earning a higher income, this needs to be addressed. If the lower-earning spouse chooses not to work but fails to do anything else to support the household, this would also raise concerns. I would not have accepted this in my relationship. Even though I am the primary earner, my husband still works hard at his job and for our family.
Asset Protection
Particularly if there is a big discrepancy in income or pre-marital assets, it makes sense to protect your financial well-being with a prenuptial agreement. If neither of you has any significant assets or income discrepancy starting out, this may not make sense. My husband and I fell into the latter category. Even if you do not have many concrete assets starting out, having open, honest conversations about financial goals and philosophies is another way of protecting one’s future assets. We bought a book of financial questions for couples that we worked through when we were engaged which helped establish a shared foundation.
More information here:
How to Get What You Deserve as a High-Earning Woman
Unique Challenges for Female High-Income Professionals
Why are we even talking about this in 2023? Can women make more than their spouses without it being noteworthy? Some readers may think this article is unnecessary (although I’d be questioning why you read it to this point then). Would this even be a topic to discuss if the usual societal expectations were met? Probably not.
As we’ve noted, opposite-gender marriages still tend to fall along traditional lines of the man being the primary earner, but these trends are slowly changing with more rapid progress in women with higher education and income levels. There are strains and emotions that may affect marriages that challenge gender norms, and a growing number of female physicians fall into this category. I’ve encountered many of these and have had to process them in the context of my situation.
My hope is that we will get to a point as a society where this whole conversation is moot because income distribution between spouses will fall along an equitable curve, regardless of gender.
What do you think? If you're the high earner as a female, how does that make you feel? Are you empowered, or are you affected by the idea of traditional gender roles? In what other ways should we be talking about this topic? Comment below!
Who had the greater income varied but we met as med students and married when doctors. When I left the Army he bragged that I worked half as many hours yet made twice as much as him. Not something our male peers with homemaker wives would likely be proud of. So happily I married a feminist with joy not shame when I outearned him, but sadly neither of us are good at housekeeping. We’ve done best hiring a cleaner and even do so now while retired- easier to pay for the work than argue over who should be doing it; I made an effort when working less but didn’t feel he did the same nor shared the work fairly when neither of us worked.
However life has been easier for us for me to work part-time or not at all (and I’ve never had the stability to open a private office) once I left the Army given his military duties. Post med school I earned more 15 years while he did so 7. But now his bigger government pension is more of our retirement income while my 401K type retirement accounts are a greater portion of our wealth.
Our married daughter outearns her spouse slightly. Like me she feels she found a unicorn- a feminist in the South. They considered him becoming househusband but, she tells me, she realized she’d expect a lot more of him re household duties were he home fulltime than now with their varied schedules so asked they stick with more money, less strife. With her travel absences he is saddled with slightly more housework which just like her parents they still grumble over, but they also have a cleaner, plus a yard company. She says her hobby is baby while he still enjoys about half his old activities on top of fatherhood.
Thanks for sharing your story Jenn! My husband is also a feminist raised in the South. We also considered having him be a stay-at-home father at one point, but it was important to him to work as he enjoys it and wants to contribute financially too. It’s also harder to get back into the workforce after stepping away so that was a consideration as well.
I certainly experienced difficulty finding work in new locations especially after large gaps due to maternity or living in a country it took me 2 years to get licensed in (had to do a miniresidency AND pass an English language exam) or just wanting to settle in better- I was repeatedly saying “I wasn’t in jail or a mental ward, I was supporting our military as my husband moved.” By the way I called them sabbaticals and expanded on my CV with ‘for maternity leave/ house construction/ 2 moves in 9 months’ etc. and did part time volunteer work to keep up licensure (total work stoppage over 1-2 years requires retraining in some states). We knew a hospital commander’s gracious wife who was a fulltime unpaid OB-GYN in US Army’s Heidelberg hospital- she obviously couldn’t get a well paid non soldier job from her husband. Always won volunteer of the month quarter and year though.
I often reference the book Getting to 50/50 which says exactly what you did, that 3 to 10 years of child care is a worthwhile investment in a 40-year career. The other one I recommend is the Price of Motherhood, which points out that no divorce court will compensate you for the loss to your career if you sacrifice it a great deal more than your children’s father does. (Or in your case if your husband ruins his career by staying home with the kids but then you leave him without the financial security inherent in staying married to you through retirement.) Of course it could happen from reasons other than divorce- disability or death of higher or only earner: I often said “If you or I are disabled and need fulltime care I’d rather the healthy one have a high paying job and be able to hire a carer 8-16 hours a day than only be able to get a low paying job so be stuck being a 24/7 caregiver- bad for our marriage.”
I’m solidly in the camp of “Why are we even talking about this in 2023?” I usually earn 5-6x what my husband earns in a year. I can honestly say it has never resulted in a conversation that was any different than one we would have had if our salaries were reversed. Yes, an earning gap between spouses makes a difference from time to time in decision-making, financial planning, etc. But it really doesn’t matter which half is the high earner.
I appreciate your position and am glad that it has been a non-issue in your relationship. And you are correct that some of the points I discussed would be the same in any situation of discrepant income, regardless of who is the higher earner (as I stated in the article). However, I think for a lot of our society, it remains an issue. There are still many societal beliefs and expectations towards gender, earnings and household responsibilities. We are all influenced by the thoughts, values and teachings we get as children, both from our families and society at large, plus what we observe in the world. Whether these are conscious or sub-conscious, we cannot fully evade them. An example that comes to mind was when my son was 5 years old, he asked me if boys can be doctors too. It surprised me, but shouldn’t have. He had observed me and many of my female physician friends in his life, plus his pediatrician was a woman. This was his world-view at the time and I had to point out some fathers of his friends who were also doctors and explain that people of all genders can be doctors. Some of the studies I cited above (and many others out there that I did not cite) show that this situation is still not the norm, nor universally supported. Even highly educated women still tend to pick spouses who make more than them. https://ifstudies.org/blog/better-educated-women-still-prefer-higher-earning-husbands Challenging societal expectations can be difficult. As a psychiatrist, I know that going against expectations and norms can evoke an emotional response as well. This is part of what I was trying to highlight in the article, my personal experience, superimposed with some of the data. Hopefully this resonates with some of the female physician readers who are in a similar position (and others), and is thought-provoking at the least even if you disagree.
What an interesting topic, and indeed complex. One other complexity to consider is to what extent our biology plays a role.
Thanks for well-researched post.
I don’t think I saw any mention of children in your post.
I think children can change the dynamic a lot.
Sure, I know husbands who fill in the role of the primary caregiver pretty well, while the wife is more focused on the career and she earns more,. However, often the biology dictates that the woman is involved more with the kids and the kids are seeking out their mom for a lot for their needs. So it’s very easy as a women to become overwhelmed with a demanding job, the kids and the household demands and then blame your husband for not doing enough. If you know how to hire help, it may be a little better, however again, kids do need their mom and both parents for that matter.
I don’t know what happened exactly, however by listening to Melinda Gates I think she left Bill in part due to dissatisfaction while raising the kids. So I guess you can have all the money in the world and your husband can make much more money than you and still be dissatisfied because they are not helping enough (to be fair, there may have been more there than it meets the eye, however problems always start small and trivial in my opinion).
My experience is that when my wife’s schedule was busy and the kids were young, she became very unhappy with me not helping enough. I was at that time a physician in training, while she was an attending. It didn’t matter that my mother helped us a lot and almost all the time (more than like a full time job). It didn’t matter that I was trying my best, to the point of jeopardizing my fellowship due to focusing too much on childcare. It didn’t matter that much later, when I started making about the same money as my wife and even more than her. Or maybe I should take that back, things are a little better now that kids are a little older and we are both on higher income.
We still have lots of disagreements in regards to how we hire and compensate household helpers. And maybe the art of hiring household help is a key for the high earners and their marriage happiness.
Going back though to the reversed gender roles, I know it’s 2023, however I would be very careful about expecting too much from your husband, while recognizing that at the same time as a mom you may want to spend time with your kids, sometimes maybe more than him.
Thanks for bringing this up.
Somehow in editing this piece, a large chunk of the column did not make it into the published form. That’s my mistake.
I’ve just re-added a whole section on When the Wife Is the Primary Earner which includes Julie’s thoughts on societal beliefs, risks, shared assets, and non-monetary gains. She also talks about raising the kids with her husband and how it often bucked gender norms.
Thanks for your comments! We do have children and I fully agree with many of the points you raised regarding the challenges for both parents. I’m lucky that my husband is a big help around the household and a very hands-on father, but we definitely encountered those years where my kids just wanted “mommy” to help them with everything. And we are assuredly not immune from the “blame game” or putting unreasonable expectations onto each other. You mirrored a lot of my sentiments on the push and pull of household responsibilities and feeling things are uneven. It probably never feels like “enough” help when you have children and a house in the mix with two-working parents. Hiring help can alleviate some of that stress but as you point out, there is negotiation required on that too.
This article would be appropriate 25-30 years ago.
If anyone feels emasculated by what their spouse earns for a living , they need some good therapy.
Most female professionals have the luck and smarts to avoid such a partner but I assure you many American men fit that stereotype and none of them are getting therapy for it.
Great post, you make a lot of really good points. What book did you buy that had financial questions for couples to work through that helped establish a shared foundation?
The books I bought were “The Hard Questions” by Susan Piver, which has a chapter on money, and “Smart Couples Finish Rich” by David Bach. It looks like both books have been updated a few times since they originally came out around 2000-2002 before I got married in 2003. I have not read the updated versions from 2021 and 2018 respectively so I’m not sure what was modified.
Interesting article with good insight. However, after reading it, I am now very curious what your husband thinks. What are his opinions regarding all the points you covered? Might make for a good follow up post…
Thanks and yes, that would be a good follow-up post. I cannot speak directly for him but per his outward stance, he is not bothered by the income discrepancy or gender-role reversal. However, he was adamant about continuing to work even though it may have been easier for our family for him to stay home when our children were small. I do think there are other circumstances where it has surfaced in our relationship over the years in subtle ways. He does not spend a lot of money on himself and I think that it is partially related to his feelings on this as well.
I think the most important part of this article is the importance of communicating goals and expectations, which it sounds like the author and their spouse have done effectively and regularly. Assumptions leave room for frustration and discontent. As long as both understand the expectations they have of each other, the long term vision of the future, arrive at important decisions together, AND communicate when life changes up their original plans, I think any family dynamic can work.
Thanks for your comment. I agree with you wholeheartedly that these factors are so important and that any family dynamic can work with investment from both partners. We have worked hard on communication and setting expectations (not perfect by any means!) I do think external (societal) factors can add an extra layer of complexity and challenge to these dynamics though.
Great article! I like the comment of “why are we even talking about this in 2023?” I agree that it’s a moot point, but also agree that it’s interesting enough to still talk about it. I’m in the SF Bay Area. In my circle of friends, I would say half or greater of the married couple involves the wife making just as much or more of the husband. There are times I will talk with a man that wants to be the traditional breadwinner, but I have to admit , that is very rare. Why would any man this day and age in HCOL area complain about their wife making more money? That man is going to be single for a very long time!
I started out the same as Dr. Julie – my husband was making more money than me before I went back to podiatry school. Looking back – I think it was *my* discomfort that led me to the path of a career change into podiatry lol. So I put our family in debt for a while, but it has more than paid off. My husband is more than happy I’m the breadwinner. He was able to retire on time, despite the fact of paying 2 private college tuitions for our kids. I would say that is a great accomplishment lol. Funny how the discomfort can sometimes be a good thing.
Great article, Dr. Julie!!
Thanks for your comments JennyDPM! I’m glad this set-up has worked for you and many of your friends. I definitely see the advantages and congrats on putting your kids through college. I think living in a wealthy, progressive area such as SF Bay Area can skew one’s viewpoint to some extent though. I also live in an area like this (Austin, TX) so I speak from experience.
I’m wondering where you got this idea that egalitarian is if the person in the relationship makes at least 40% of the income. I personally don’t agree with it but I’d love to see the source and justification. I realize a number needs to be picked and defining egalitarian as only 50/50 is too strict. I think my cutoff would be the 45-55 range. As the husband, I make 41-42% of the household income and my wife certainly sees herself as the primary breadwinner at least where income is concerned. I tend to agree with her on that.
The definition of what qualified as “egalitarian” came from one of the articles I cited. I did not make it up myself.
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/
Certainly there may be other definitions with different parameters out there. You could define it as 45-55% from your viewpoint, but it’s really only a difference of 4% on each side from 41-59%, so unless your income is extremely high, it is probably not a huge impact.
Interesting and well written post, well done Julie!
I agree that it would be wonderful to live in a world where we were all collectively perplexed by the very idea of this post, where a conversation about gender and income was a combination of irrational and irrelevant. I hope to live in that world someday. For so many of us, today is not that day, and thus this article remains, unfortunately, relevant to many.
My wife and I like to think of ourselves as forward looking, open minded people, yet the highly traditional and patriarchal structures we were raised still show up for us in unexpected ways. I, a man, have always been either the sole or primary earner in our household. I was taught it was my role and duty to become such, and I have definitely resented that role many times in my professional career.
My wife was raised to place her educational and professional goals at the bottom of the family priority list and devote her time and energy to the unpaid labors of domestic life. She has definitely resented that role many times through her paid and unpaid working career.
For us, the “ah-ha” moment came when we realized it was not the role we resented, it was the lack of intentional choice in choosing that role that drove resentment. We were assigned a cultural/religious script to follow and given very little latitude in the editing of that script if we wanted parental and societal support for our choices. This highly pressured casting of characters in the play of our own lives, which was based on traditional gender roles, was source of the disdain for us, not the roles themselves.
Once we tore up the script we were handed at birth and wrote our own story, we found ourselves in largely similar roles, but the dissonance was gone because we were empowered by the authorship of our own lives.
Thanks for a great contribution to the blog, I look forward to more of your posts!
Thanks for the comments Tyler! I appreciate you sharing your story. It is interesting to think about the environment we were raised in and how it can uphold certain beliefs vs. the evolution of one’s thinking over time that can challenge the beliefs we were exposed to as children. It sounds like you both did a lot of self-reflection on why you felt some of the emotions you did, such as resentment for being cast into certain roles or feeling trapped. Feeling empowered to have a choice can make such a difference psychologically even if the outcome is similar as you point out. As a pediatric specialist I encounter this in my work. Children are disempowered in so many decisions that giving them choices (even a forced choice) can often help avoid conflicts and give them a sense of autonomy.
Progress is great, but I’m not a fan of change just for change’s sake. Sometimes, there’s a very good reason that things are done a certain way and we should always make sure we’re not throwing out the baby with the bathwater. How that applies to this particular issue, I’m not sure, but there are some benefits of the traditional set-up that we have enjoyed at times in our financial and family life. These included at a minimum:
1) The person doing the breast-feeding did not have to balance that with the rigors of professional life
2) The person more likely to be discriminated against with regards to income was not the primary earner
3) We had a clear delineation of duties. Both important. But different. But specialization generally creates more value in society. We specialized for a number of years.
Now the amount of paid work is similar and the earnings are irrelevant and we’re both trying to do household duties (which are now fewer than they used to be.) But that’s very different from how it was when we were becoming successful.
So let’s be sure not to assume that some perfectly egalitarian distribution of income earning and household duties is necessarily the best thing for every couple/family. That’s probably not the case.
Yep, the right earnings balance is influenced by needs of the partnership! For example, none of the reasons you state apply to my marriage. We are childless. I (wife and primary earner) am the more aggressive/successful negotiator. We could not assume duties; it was most productive for us to consciously decide roles together. Many of my young colleagues who are male breadwinners also do not have clearly delineated duties; they engage in far more housework than might be assumed. Perhaps that is because high earners don’t necessarily work more hours in many fields; for example, I have an easier job (still hard) than my husband and earn more than double. As our society grows more diverse and children are raised in very different households, assuming gender will lead to clear delineation of duties probably does not set people up for success.
Absolutely agree, Jim! What works for individual families should not be shamed or discouraged just because it is or no longer is the status quo.
My husband’s parents have a traditional gender role marriage and have been happily married for 50 years. My parents started off as a mostly traditional gender role marriage but got divorced after 10 years which forced them both to expand their responsibilities, and they’re much happier for it.
I agree with you Emily that people should not be shamed or discouraged from structuring things in a way that is best for their family. I did not shame anyone who chooses a more traditional set-up. It is a valid choice and can have its advantages. With respect to income, the traditional gender-roles are still the status quo as the articles I cited discuss, but these trends are shifting with time. For some, the traditional set-up works for the family and meets the partners needs, or just makes the most sense. The points I was highlighting were that there are certain considerations in households where the woman is the primary earner and that it is still less common and less accepted in society. My hope is that women would be accepted and supported in any of these scenarios.
Hi Julie! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound that I thought you were shaming anyone. I loved your article, agree with everything you wrote, and thought it was very well done! I made the comment in support of those who might feel the conversation turning into a right vs wrong way to do things. Again, loved your article!
Thank you, I appreciate your feedback!!
Appreciate the comments. I do agree that there is value to specializing in alignment with our skills and interests. We can obviously apply this to medicine. We need doctors to be in all fields and not just a cadre of standalone surgeons, psychiatrists or radiologists. With respect to families, I think that there are many valid choices and that structuring the roles within a family should account for what works best and makes the most sense for that family’s needs. I think we are in agreement on this last part… but there are some unique challenges for women in the primary breadwinner role and emotions that can come along with it too. That was the point I was trying to highlight. I’m not positing that an egalitarian distribution of income is the ideal for everyone. It certainly is not. What I meant by equitable curve was not that both partners would fall into completely equal distribution of income in every scenario, but more that there are opportunities for all of these different set-ups to be part of the norm. Thoughtfully approaching the division of labor makes a lot of sense when it highlights the strengths of each partner or satisfies the needs of the family. My hope is that society would support and accept a mix of all of these types of households.
For some families, they have the luxury of more flexibility of choice. For example, two high-earners who have a baby may make the decision for one of them to stay home since the other one can financially support them without problem. For some, it may be more of a necessity for the higher earner to continue working, regardless of whether they want to or not, in order the support the family financially. If the traditional set-up works, then that is great and very valid. Going against the grain or challenging societal beliefs usually adds more complexity and stress to the situation anyway. I was fortunate to have a very generous maternity leave and supports for pumping in my residency (thanks Cincinnati Children’s!) but if I could have afforded to take more time off or cut-back to part-time when my children were young, I likely would have chosen to do that. However, it was not a realistic choice for my family financially at the time. Some women choose to work even if they could afford not to because they like their work, it holds value to them and society, and/or it upholds their sense of self-efficacy. As previously stated, I do believe that division of labor according to ones strengths and available resources makes sense. You’re right that there are definitely benefits to the traditional roles especially with young children and breastfeeding, or having a parent home when a kid gets sick. It was a lot of work for me to breastfeed and pump for my children while working at the same time. Breastfeeding is challenging enough for many women without adding more steps. The bottom line is that I want women to have appropriate supports, resources and societal acceptance for all of these scenarios, while making the best decision for their family with their partner.
I love reading on this topic. Though we shouldn’t have to discuss this topic in 2023, it is still not the norm and it is rarely discussed. I married in my last year of my surgical subspecialty residency. We had pre-marriage counseling and the only issue our counselor foresaw in our future was possible resentment with me making much more money than my husband. We both knew what we were in for! We are now 18 years post residency and 12 years of sobriety for my husband (that is a whole other topic that is rarely discussed). I have been the sole breadwinner in our household for 16 of our 19 years of marriage. There are times it is difficult for each of us – from bucking social norms to the resentment we receive from others. His is a life of carpooling, kids’ schedules, grocery running, veterinary visits and home repairs/upkeep. However, it is also a Tuesday golf group and morning pickle ball. We are fortunate that he has found a group of other stay at home dads (all married to doctors). They help each other with projects, make Costco runs together, and socialize. They “get” each other and don’t have to have justify their lifestyle to one another. I often question him if it is “enough” and fulfilling – 90% of the time it is yes.
From my perspective, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment of what I provide for my family, However, there is sometimes tremendous stress that I am the sole breadwinner and I can’t quit (not yet, but I’m SO close…thanks WCI). I am in private practice, so I have always been in complete control of my schedule. There is a constant pull to be present for my kids and not miss out on life, so I have crafted my schedule to be home after school and usually (except surgery days) be at home in the mornings. I refuse to sacrifice this – even though I know it means I will never make as much as my male partners who work 8-5 every day. Is this part of the gender wage gap? Maybe, but it is a wage gap of my own choosing. I know my situation is rare. This is really what there should be more discussion around – balance of our own choosing. I would love to see more flexible schedules like job sharing, the ability to start late or work through lunch to be done early (my schedule) so that you can have a life and be a productive physician. I have read staggering statistics of the percentage of female physicians who stop working within 5-10 years of leaving residency. If there was less rigidity in clinic schedules I believe we could keep more female physicians in the workforce without feeling like they are completely missing out on being a present parent. I digress….
In being the sole breadwinner and crafting my life by my own design I feel I am a pioneer in this (growing) world of female physicians. There are still not many of us females in the surgical doctors lounge, though we are getting there slowly. I hope these discussions are inspiring for more females to stay the course and design their own path to the perfect balance, all while bringing home the bacon!
Thanks for your comments! I enjoyed hearing your story and some of the similarities to mine. I echo both the sense of accomplishment and the stress that you feel. I really liked your phrasing of having more conversations on “balance of our own choosing”. It sounds like you have been able to make things work for your family with compromises and thoughtful decisions in how you approach both your work and family life.
well done Julie dominating work man! One of the interesting things I find that relates to your article is how our government hates a dual income household reflected by the marriage tax penalty. I remember when my wife, also a physician, and I got married our tax bill went up $17,000! I feel in our society that dual income families are more the norm, yet the government sort of discourages this and does not want 2 egalitarian earners, but one high earner and one staying home and taking care of the kids instead of working. Do you think the government is just behind the times and that the marriage penalty is an antiquated reflection of old gender biased American values? Or maybe the governement thinks that our home values are being degenerated in today’s youth because both parents are too busy at work and want one person to stay at home and teach/watch over the kids? Or maybe the government just loves their money so keeps the marriage penalty around? I favor this last reason, but curious to know what you think.
I also wish this topic was moot in this day and age, but even in my sheltered bubble of highly educated and high-earning friends and family, I have been asked why I even work if my husband is working full-time and could support us both. (I’m a general dentist, my husband is an emergency medicine physician).
Along somewhat different but similar lines, when I worked for several years in both Los Angeles and San Francisco, I would be called “nurse” daily by random people on the street (I wear scrubs to work), and quite often when someone asked what I did and I said dentist, they’d reply “you mean dental hygienist.” For reference I just turned 40 so this was all relatively recently in the past 10-12 years. This is just to say that gendered ideas of many things are alive and well, even in cities considered more progressive.
And the opposite happens…my nurse husband is called Doctor on an almost daily basis because Man In Scrubs = Doctor, right?!
I am the female sole breadwinner and am divorcing my husband who has been the primary caregiver for our child but never did the other part that comes with being the stay-at-home-spouse, which is household management.
When we first met, he was so proud of being with somebody who was “the smartest person he knew”, and later he would brag about how accomplished I was to anyone who would listen. I personally did not want to talk about these things as my job is not what defines me, though I take it very seriously and am proud of what I do. I also did not want to talk about myself in front of him, even though he would put on a show for me to chime in after he’d already spent time talking about me, because as soon as I started talking, he would start a new conversation with somebody. In hindsight, I was also embarrassed by his behavior. In hindsight, he just wanted to hold court by telling stories, any story, including my story.
It took me a very long time to realize that he was using me to boost his own self-esteem and self-value. Just because a man seems confident and proud to be with a high-earning woman, doesn’t mean that he actually is. Therapy has helped me to recognize that the red flags were there all along.
He is a covert narcissist. He’s using our child to guilt me, among other self-serving tactics. In the divorce proceedings, he’s calling me names as I hold my ground about my separate assets which were used to purchase a home (as a married couple) and subsequent homes of higher value. Even though there is legal backing to support my claims that those separate assets and the appreciation associated with them remain my separate assets, he is accusing me of not being collaborative in the divorce.
I share my story with the hope that if you are in a similar situation, you will seek support and find a third party, unbiased therapist who can help you walk through what is going on in your life, why you are doing what you are doing, uncover and validate your feelings which might have been dismissed as being in the wrong or selfish (through manipulation and gaslighting). I am a person of action, so I was always active in trying to make things better, to earn more to be able to hire people to do the household chores, to make our life better/easier, but the focus of that was all wrong. He should have taken the responsibility, but it is the rare male who won’t feel emasculated by being the “house husband”, let alone have the ability to perform these tasks half as well as a woman could.
Also, do not comingle your separate assets with community assets. If you received inheritance, keep it in a separate account, not in an account that is used for daily expenses or where your paychecks are automatically deposited. You could still trace the separate property/inheritance, but it will take a lot of documentation and forensic accounting to protect your assets. In that process, more anger and resentment brews on both sides in addition to accumulating fees and time to complete these activities.
Seek support from family and friends.
Thank you for writing this article! I do think these topics are very much still relevant in 2023. As a female physician, I also fall into the category of being the higher earner. As a resident, my income was less than my partner’s, but after becoming an attending a couple years ago, it became significantly more than his. I think it’s very important to have a partner who is comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship that does not fit traditional societal gender norms. I am lucky that is the case for me. One thing that would be interesting to explore is the concept of romance, and whether high earning women might feel that is missing from their relationships. In our society, many of the ideas of a “romantic” relationship are entrenched in traditional gender roles, with the idea of the male partner footing the bill for all dates, paying for lavish vacations, treating the female partner to fancy experiences etc. I would assume that in many of relationships in which the woman is the high earner, the cost of dates and romantic experiences might be shared. (that is the case for my relationship). Interestingly, when talking to female friends, many have the expectation that their partner will foot the bill for “romantic” activities such as dates, because that is what a man is “supposed” to do. I find it interesting that for some women, ideas about gender norms are progressive in many ways, but can remain traditional when it comes to activities that are thought of as “romantic.” For women who are earning more, I wonder if there is ever a psychological desire to be “taken care of” or “treated” to things by their male partners, more often.
Thank you for bringing this point up! I ocassionally find myself yearning for that traditional romantic date where I am swept up my feet. Knowing that even if this were to happen, it would be on my dime, kinda makes it less romantic. Maybe I am traditional, but a part of me wants to just relax and not have to be responsible for bills, and finances. I want to show up without a credit card and know that someone else is getting the check. As a physician and a high earner I miss out on that aspect of romance, and yearn for this part. Sadly we cant eat our cake and have it.
I am a pediatrician married to an internist. I think that we did a pretty good job from day one sharing the tough aspects of running a household. Once we had kids, we split our childcare schedule right down the middle. From the minute we had our first child, I worked late two days a week ,and he got home early to take care of the baby When he worked late, I got home early. We kept this schedule as more kids arrived. We observe Shabbat so we are automatically home all together for 24 hours of quality time which is the highlight of our week. Our salaries have slowly increased over the past 30 years, but he has always made a little more than me. He does major food shopping and cooks 2 times a week. I do minor food shopping and I cook 3 times a week. Lots of leftovers the other 2 nights a week. Same cleaning lady forever, once a week. Same house, same cars forever, And that’s it. Has been working well this way for a long time! My advice: no one person should be saddled with an overwhelming load— working hours, watching the kids, cooking, shopping have always been divided up but he likes shopping more than I do and I like cleaning more than he does, so it doesn’t bother me to pick up his socks and it doesn’t bother him to go pick out the best roast! We are a TEAM…… if every married doctor couple thinks this way there would be less strife.