As most of you know, I now work mostly from home. I still go to the emergency department for six day shifts a month, but just about all of my WCI-related work is done from home. Mostly alone. Working from home has all kinds of benefits, including:
- Awesome dress code
- Super short commute
- Free (OK, cheap) food
- Work on your own schedule
- Simultaneously do other tasks (laundry, watching kids, etc.)
However, it has some downsides, too. Distractions are a big one. But one that we don't think about as often is the lack of social interactions. We hit FI (financially independent) back in 2017 or 2018 or so, and we've been trying to pretend ever since that we're also RE (retired early). We travel like we're retired (4-5 international trips last year). We play like we're retired (I'm on two hockey teams and spent two weeks canyoneering recently). We volunteer like we're retired (I coach two hockey teams and have two jobs at church). We try to raise our kids and work out like we're retired.
But we're not really retired. Katie has two jobs (Chief Product Officer at WCI and elected district school board member), and so do I. Certainly the sum of the work at my two jobs is closer to full-time than it is to retired. People ask me all the time if I'm still seeing patients. The second question is usually, “Why?” It's a good question. Part of the answer is social interactions. Not only with patients, but with co-workers.
Parasocial vs. Social Relationships
WCI work has some social interactions. Megan comes over to WCI headquarters (aka our home office) once a week or so, and we record some podcasts. We have a monthly staff meeting. We Slack each other and have occasional video calls. But given the size of the WCI audience, the vast majority of the WCI work interactions that I have with other people are, for lack of a better term, “parasocial.” Parasocial has been defined with a bit of a negative connotation:
“Denoting a relationship characterized by a one-sided, unreciprocated sense of intimacy felt by a fan or follower for a well-known or prominent figure (typically a media celebrity), in which the fan or follower comes to feel that they know the celebrity as a friend.”
That's not really the way I mean to use the term, though. I mean, many of you may feel a parasocial relationship with me after reading so many of my words or listening to my voice so much over the years. And I do like chatting with you both online and in real life at WCICON and other events. But the relationship and interactions you have with me and that I have with you are not the same thing as the relationships you have with family, friends, co-workers, and even patients or other clients at work.
More information here:The Importance of a Social Life
The other day I was sitting around the house feeling a little depressed. This is something that is a bit new to me. I always enjoyed pretty good mental health with only fleeting bouts of melancholy and anxiety. However, since falling off a mountain, smacking my head, and moving from youth to middle age all at once as far as my abilities go, I've certainly noticed more depressive symptoms in my life. Mostly, it's less pleasure from previously pleasurable activities and just generally feeling sorry for myself and catastrophizing.
I went to the grocery store to pick up some items, and on the way there, I was reflecting on how important relationships—real relationships—are in our lives. So, I (safely) texted a couple of friends just to check in with them. Then at the store, I ran into a neighbor and one of my retired partners. Those interactions, like going to work in the ED and seeing people much less fortunate than me, help me to be more “other-focused,” which of course takes my mind off my own problems and stresses. And if you're a believer in divine intervention in your life, like I am, you start wondering if God has put a few people in your pathway today—both to help you and for you to help.
One of my favorite songs when I'm feeling down is Jelly Roll's classic “I Am Not Okay.”
Here are some of the lyrics:
“I am not OK
I'm barely getting by
I'm losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not OK
I'm hanging on the rails
So if I say I'm fine
Just know I learned to hide it wellI know I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not OK
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not OK
But we're all gonna be alrightI woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain't all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I'm better off
Layin' in that dirt.”
Become ‘Other-Focused'
As I think about feeling depressed, I reflect on the fact that, as Jelly Roll says, I know I can't be the only one who's “holding on for dear life.” I mean, actually diagnosed clinical depression is incredibly common—21 million Americans a year have a major depressive episode. I'm not even talking about that, much less the poor folks waiting four days in my ED to secure an inpatient psych bed. The number of people who feel a little sad sometimes must be four times as high as that statistic. You're interacting with them every day. They're your friends, your family, and your acquaintances. My empathy for them is far higher than it was a couple of years ago.
So, let's start reaching out more often. Let's check in with friends and family. Those relationships are going to become far more important as you age. When doctors start a residency, a whole bunch of things get put on the back burner. Hobbies. Relationships. If you want to have a great retirement, you're going to need to rebuild all of those and develop some new ones along the way. We spend a lot of time on this website getting you financially ready for retirement, but maybe we don't spend enough time discussing the non-financial aspects of retirement.
More information here:- Getting to Know Jim: His Past, Present, and Future Relationship with Money
- How WCI Readers Live, Worry, and Withdraw Money in Retirement
Retirees and Remote Workers Need to Monitor Their Social Wellness
From a social perspective, being retired is an awful lot like working from home. Parasocial relationships aren't going to cut it. If you want to have a purposeful and pleasurable retirement, you're going to need more than some index funds and a Roth IRA. I'm far from the most extroverted person on the planet, but if I need some social interaction to be happy and mentally healthy while working from home, I'm sure all of you will, too, while retired.
Start taking steps today to fill up your “social retirement accounts” just as much as your financial ones.
What do you think? What are you doing now to build those relationships you'll need to be happy in retirement?
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