I was recently asked in an email to write a post about stay at home dads (SAHD). However, I thought the email itself was an excellent post about stay at home dads. So, with permission, I reproduce most of it here followed by my thoughts about stay at home dads.
My dad is a big fan of yours and turned me onto your blog when I asked him for advice re: student loans, and I in turn have begun listening to your podcast.
Anyway, I wanted to ask if you could talk a little bit more about making the decision to be a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) on your podcast. My wife is finishing up her residency in about a month and will be starting her first real job as a Family Medicine physician in August. I am an attorney and I currently commute about 130 miles per day which generally takes about 3 hours round trip. My wife and I have one 15-month-old daughter who is currently without child care. We had a wonderful nanny who watched our daughter full time, but her husband recently got a job across the state, so they moved away. We have been on a wait list for daycare for nearly a year, but I was just told that there are no openings until September or possibly January 2019.
Ever since my daughter was born, I have wanted to stay home and be her primary caretaker. I don't particularly care for my legal career and get much more satisfaction from spending time with my daughter. It is very hard for me to leave her each day. Just before our nanny quit, my wife and I started to have the discussion about me possibly being a SAHD once she begins her new job. Apart from the fact that I would enjoy doing it, my wife likes the idea of me being around to take care of household chores, grocery shopping, meal planning, etc., so that she will be free to focus on her career. She will be working at an underserved clinic in a bad area of Buffalo and will likely need to come home to a stable home environment each day for her peace of mind. She has talked to all of her colleagues about the idea of me being a SAHD, and the response has been overwhelmingly positive, which is something she did not expect. But it sounds like all of her colleagues, even those who are much older than her and with whom she frequently bumps heads, said it would be wonderful if I did this, as long as it was something I wanted to do.
We started having the discussion in the first place just after I had filed our taxes. I am in charge of the finances in our house, but my wife takes an interest in it and likes learning about taxes and all that good stuff. I don't make much money in my current job, and child care is expensive. Add to that the fact that I spend 3 hours commuting each day and am too exhausted in the evening to do much work around the house, it means that we basically spend our entire weekends running around and trying to catch up on everything we don't get to do during the week. We hate the weekends almost more than the work week, because we feel like we don't get to relax and do anything we enjoy. My wife and I both feel that if I were able to do the shopping, laundry, etc., during the week, we could enjoy family outings on the weekends more regularly. (For reference, I have always been the one to do all of the laundry, most of the cleaning, and most of the shopping and cooking in our marriage, so this would not be a substantial change for me if I were to stay home, raise our daughter, and do these things.)
I know you have a couple of articles about the myth of the second income, and I listened to your interview with Lara McElderry about what it's like to be a SAHD married to a doctor. I have joined a couple of Facebook groups to look for advice, one called Stay at Home Dad Network, another called Dads Married to Doctors, and a subgroup called Stay at Home Dads Married to Doctors. I am fortunate that my parents and my wife's parents live in our city, so I have a local support network if I were to do this (although I know my father-in-law, who is very traditional, would not be happy that I, a man, would be staying home to raise our daughter and any future children, whereas he would have no problem if my wife were to be a stay-at-home parent, were she not a doctor). I would also take it upon myself to educate myself about finance and investing so that I can manage our retirement and make it so that my wife can retire early and we can enjoy our life together.
So, I suppose what I'm asking is could you please talk a bit about how one makes the financial and the personal decision to be a stay at home parent who is married to a doctor? I would love to hear your insight on the whole subject.
In this post, I'd like to discuss some things to think about when making this decision.
Financial Benefits of a Stay at Home Parent
I've discussed this before, but if you want to have one parent stay at home, it doesn't cost you nearly as much to do so as you might think. In fact, unless your spouse is also a high-income professional, there is a very good chance you're coming out ahead with a stay at home parent. Think about all the expenses that go away with a stay at home parent. Childcare is a huge one. Additional commuting costs. More frequent takeout and restaurant meals. More rushed vacations because you're now coordinating with two work schedules and nobody really has time to plan the vacation in an inexpensive manner. You now only pay one set of Social Security taxes (but still get 1.5 sets of benefits!) One set of work clothes. One set of continuing education and licensing requirements. It goes on and on. If you subtract all that out and actually calculate the hourly wage of what that second spouse is actually bringing home, there's a good chance the rate will be so low that you wouldn't be willing to work for that. And we haven't even gotten to the benefits of having someone at home taking care of finances, laundry, meals, child taxi service, tutor, nurse, vacation planning, shopping, holiday planning, yardwork, and housework allowing the family to spend more time having fun when the breadwinner is home. In addition, that breadwinner now has fewer burdens and can be more dedicated to the career, and likely get paid better as a result.
What Do You Want To Do?
However, like joining the military to pay for medical school, most of the time for a couple in which at least one member is a high-income professional, this shouldn't really be primarily a financial decision. I think the primary factor ought to be “What does the potential SAH spouse want to do with their life?” If you want to stay at home, a physician couple can probably make that work. If you want a career, you can probably also make that work. Some women feel guilty working with young kids at home. Some men feel guilty being home and not contributing to the household. And the vice versa can also be true. But if the kids are being taken care of and the household is earning enough money, I think you should do what you want to do.
Career Issues
However, there are consequences to being a stay at home parent. When/if you do decide to go back to work, you'll likely be more anxious about it than if you had worked at least part-time instead. You'll also be a bit rusty. In fact, in medicine and many other careers, if you've been gone more than just a few years, you may not be able to come back at all. So realize that this decision will likely have a profound impact on your career. It's not just hitting the pause button. It's more like an escalator; you can't stand still – you're either going forward or backward.
Divorce Issues
Those career issues become much more impactful in the event of divorce. Contrary to popular belief, a couple where one member is a physician is actually much less likely to be divorced than the average American, about 25% versus 50%. A two physician couple lowers that risk to about 10%. But that's still an awful lot of couples. A couple with a sole breadwinner is also actually MORE likely to get divorced. That career you gave up or put on hold becomes a lot more important in the event of divorce.
Cultural Issues with Stay At Home Dads
It wasn't that long ago that a SAHD was so unusual that they made a movie about it (unfortunately part of a long trend in the entertainment industry of making fathers in general, and particularly “Mr. Moms” look inept.) Compared to most of my readers, Katie and I are traditionalists living in a community that is even more traditional than we are. A SAHM married to a doctor isn't unusual at all around here. In fact, there are four on my street, and only one female doctor (single.) In fact, of the women within 10 doors of my house, all but one is a stay at home mom. Many of them do some work probably better described as a side hustle – some tax prep, piano lessons, or working in the family business like Katie. Most of them are quite educated with master's level degrees. But the cultural norm is for the man to be the breadwinner and the woman to be the homemaker. Changing that up to have a stay at home dad has consequences.
The kid taxi.
Trust me, I know. I joke with Katie all the time that she volunteers so much that I'm the stay at home parent now, especially this year as I transition my practice to half-time. I'm literally only at the hospital 8 or 9 days a month now and no longer work nights. 3/4+ of the time, I can see the kids off to school, I'm there when they come home, help with homework, do carpool, attend their activities, help with the kid taxi, and put them to bed. And besides, she works on WCI stuff just like I do. She doesn't buy my argument, of course, but I'm certainly around enough during the day to know that I'm the only dad around the neighborhood during those hours (at least among those who aren't retired.) I see the guys come home at 5 or 6 from the office and then family time begins. Trying to insert myself into the social world of this SAHM-heavy community just wouldn't work half as well as it does for my wife. My point isn't whether this is right or wrong, you shouldn't simply ignore the norms of your family, culture, and community on this point. At least take them into consideration.
You know what else you can't ignore? Biology. This particularly applies to pregnancy and breastfeeding. Can a couple with a SAHD work through pregnancy, maternity leave, and breastfeeding and come out fine? Absolutely. Is it going to be just as easy as it would be for a couple with a SAHM? Not a chance. Give me a break. Not even the most progressive among us is going to argue that.
Do It Right
Finally, I want to point out that if you're going to go down this route, go all in and do it right. Don't be that guy who makes your wife go out and earn the bacon AND then come home and cook it. The SAH parent should have a longer household chore list than the one with the job. That includes the psychological burden of keeping track of stuff. There is real mental energy that gets expended on remembering when and where the piano lessons, soccer games, and school assemblies take place and make sure they happen. There is real mental energy just on deciding what's for dinner and making sure the electric bill is taken care of. You can't view it as “just helping out at home.” She's now the one who is “just helping out at home.”
Katie's Two Cents
Okay, Katie is home from her soccer game (she won 6-2 BTW) and ready to throw in her two cents.
“I think the most important thing about being a stay at home parent is to do it because you want to do it and not just for financial reasons or you may resent it. You must also have some outside interests like volunteering or passion projects that bring joy and interest to each day. As a stay at home parent, I feel like it is important to be home and raising the kids as much as you can and to also be involved in what they are doing outside the home.”
I also asked her if I qualify as a stay at home parent.
“Just because you're physically present, doesn't mean you're mentally present enough to take care of stay-at-home parent responsibilities because you're working.”
There you have it. Bottom line: Being a SAHD is becoming more culturally acceptable all the time and is certainly financially doable when married to a doctor. If this is something you feel more excited about than a career, go for it.
What do you think? What else should someone contemplating becoming a SAHD consider in their decision? What differences and similarities do you see between SAHMs and SAHDs? Comment below!
That was a very well thought out email and it seems that the situation presented could work out as long as the female breadwinner is able to not resent the situation that she is the sole breadwinner and loses spending time with her daughter compared to her husband. I think it is biology but there is a stronger maternal instinct with kids than paternal one. A lot of female coworkers I know have reduced or even stopped working at all when they had a child because they really wanted to be with the child. It’s far less common for males to do this.
The fact that that the Emailer is not happy with job plus the outrageous commute seems to make this a win win situation for being a SAHD. I also think it doesn’t have to be an all or none possibility. Perhaps he can parlay his degree into something that could make money while staying at home. I don’t know if there is some equivalent to telemedicine or teleradiology in my case but if he could do online work from home it would supplement the income and also lessen any guilt of not contributing financially to the household.
Best of luck. It does seem that all parties would be happy in this situation and that’s what really matters. It doesn’t matter what society or parents think
This one touches close to home. A post on a subject slanted towards this has been brewing in my head.
My wife went back full-time as an educator a few months back. The transition has been challenging, to say the least. She previously worked part-time while I was in training and in my first year as an attending. Our two youngest would go to part-time day care (mostly reimbursed through our flex spending account) while my oldest was in school. This situation afforded her the flexibility to basically function as a SAHM while she had a small professional life as well.
Given how gifted she is at her job – and the difficulties we’ve had in the transition – I’ve considered cutting back to part time work as an anesthesiologist. Possibly go 80%. And I would be the only male faculty member in my department that is doing that.
The reason? Balance is tough. My at-home work doubled when she went back with more laundry, cooking, dishes, and dad responsibilities. In fact, I picked all three kids up last night, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, and then got them all ready for bed. Doing all of that would have been a rare occurrence over the past five years. The crazy part? I loved it. I got to have conversations with my kids I don’t normally get to have.
I agree with Katie that this isn’t primarily a financial decision. My wife’s job does not earn enough to justify the $20,000 we are going to pay this year in childcare costs, or the increased work at home for both of us. That said, my wife loves her job and finds it fulfilling. I’ve always told my wife I want to empower her whether she wanted to stay home or have a professional life. It’s time to own up, and I may be the one who goes part-time this time around.
P.S. I think far too often men in our country work hard professionally and let their little ones’ lives pass them by. If they are honest, I bet a lot of these dads regret that later.
TPP
Excellent post, Jim!
Good points for SAHM and dual income earners.
The mental engagement and chores are the hardest. Obviously need time for household chores, but lots of decisions need to be made.
I think about this topic often because I have found that working as a hospitalist on a “7 on / 7 off” basis lets me feel like a SAHD about 50% of the time. The schedule might not be great long term but having 5-7 days in a row to hang out with my daughter is pretty amazing. My wife is a family doc with more traditional office hours (although we are planning to have her cut down since we paid off our loans) and she feels like she doesn’t get to see our daughter nearly as often because the days she has with her are broken up / mostly weekends.
My husband is now stay at home, admittedly for an empty nest. But as such he’s a much better housekeeper than I was! A hot meal is on the table most nights- mmm last night it was the best potstickers (tho hunger is a wonderful sauce for them) and some asparagus. And he’d fed the cats that afternoon when I’d forgotten to ask him to do so (he even took them to the vet with only one comment that it was time, and has the scars to prove it). I’m slowly trying to pass off more of the managerial aspects most women handle for families. That’s retirement for him though. This attorney dad should approach it the way I did my earlier SAHM stints: ensure his career is not ended with this choice. Must be easier for a lawyer to maintain credentials without working, but what do I know? I filled my resume with volunteer medicine and other activities I enjoyed and which proved I wasn’t out of work due to psychiatric or other illness (or prison time ;> ). I suggest if nothing else he sort out a way if possible to help the local legal aid society- drive by and pick up any files that can’t be emailed, return his reports of strategies or corrections? Get to them during naps? Even if unpaid this keeps his hand in, if that charity is his sort of thing. Or politics! I’m sure whichever local or higher pol he admires would love an unpaid attorney doing some remote volunteer work, and hopefully a resume builder.
I just caution all younger couples planning a stay at home parent- mom or dad- that SAH parent’s career is the ultimate disability/life insurance. I always said I kept my hand in because if he became disabled before we were FI (and if he needed intense 24/7 care we wouldn’t actually be FI anymore, even now) we’d both be better off if I left the house for 8 hours a day and earned more than enough to pay someone to be there to wipe his bottom for one shift a day. If I had to wipe his bottom 24/7 due to finances- only being able to get a $15/hr job when I can earn 10 times that now prn- the risks marital strife/unhappiness really rise (as well as of murder or suicide, just sayin’). And if he had died with kids still at home? I’d want his life insurance to care for their future more than mine, and have a career to resume when they grew up. Turns out I want it in any case at this stage of my life.
I have has several female attorney patients over the years who became SAHM when the baby came. Most of them found work doing legal research from home.
I know of several couples where she’s working as a doctor (attending or resident/fellow) and he’s a stay-at-home dad to the kid(s). In one of these couples, she’s a doctor and he’s a lawyer, and they’ve got five kiddos at home. While she works full-time outside the home, he works remotely from home, some of the kids are old enough to be in school, and there’s a live-in au pair (which they say is really not that expensive; they’ve hired au pairs from the same international exchange program for many years) who helps with childcare at home as well as the school pickups/after-school activities/household errands, etc. I’ve heard of many other dual-professional couples hiring nannies/housekeepers, relying on nearby relatives for daytime childcare, or having the husband be exclusively a stay-at-home-parent, or even some combination of the above. So there’s definitely precedent for the scenario being described, and many different scenarios to explore.
I’m a sole breadwinner hospitalist physician with two children (ages 5 and 1). My husband has been at home caring for both children. I don’t really follow this point you made, though I agree with most of the rest of your piece:
“You know what else you can’t ignore? Biology. This particularly applies to pregnancy and breastfeeding. Can a couple with a SAHD work through pregnancy, maternity leave, and breastfeeding and come out fine? Absolutely. Is it going to be just as easy as it would be for a couple with a SAHM? Not a chance.”
You should really ask “Is it going to be just as easy as it would be for a working mom with a working husband?” – my choices are to work and have a working spouse, or to work and have a stay at home spouse. I suppose I could not work and have my husband work but he is not a physician and wouldn’t make 1/4 of what I do so that doesn’t really make sense at all. But saying that it would be easier if I were a man working, with a SAHM (even if true in some cases) doesn’t really make sense – I can’t change that.
You should be comparing a working mom with a SAHD to a working mom with a working spouse. I am so immensely grateful that I could go back to work knowing my infant was in the care of her father. I didn’t have to juggle daycare drop offs and didn’t have to worry about groceries, dinner, or many chores. Having a stay at home spouse made it so much easier for me to have a child during residency and another one as an attending. Saying that it would be easier if I were a man and my wife stayed home is comparing apples to oranges.
Excellent point.
I think some of the rationale provided in the email is justification (providing a “stable home environment” for his wife), but that aside it seems like both he and his wife are interested in the idea so why not.
That said, I’ve seen a couple instances where this has gone South for the man.
The divorce issue is a real one. A friend of mine was a stay at home dad, giving up a career in engineering while his wife pursued her more lucrative career. When she decided to leave him 14 years later he found that the employment gap rendered his degree worthless. He was awarded some alimony but the reality is men are not treated equitably in divorce court. He now regrets his decision.
Of course life happens and you can’t plan for everything. I know that having observed my friends, I /personally/ wouldn’t feel comfortable putting myself in what I see as a vulnerable situation.
That issue works both ways obviously, although I agree with you that divorce courts, particularly in some states, seem a bit less friendly to the hombres no matter what the income situation.
My wife is in medicine, I’m not. We have plans for me to be a SAHD and I welcome it. We met in college and I’ve never really had a strong career ambition unlike my wife. It’s always made sense to me to follow her around and support her ambition and earning potential. She’d earn many times more than I ever could so it didn’t seem right to hold her back. Moreover, I think it’s only fair (but still not really to her) that I take care of all household duties, finances, planning, etc., which I’m better at anyway. I let my wife just worry about work. I’m very comfortable in my role, though I think many men are not. For us it’s a pretty easy decision looking at the numbers, being practical and devoid of pride or ego.
My wife is in medicine, I’m not. We have plans for me to be a SAHD when the time comes and I welcome it. We met in college and I’ve never really had a strong career ambition unlike my wife. It’s always made sense to me to follow her around and support her ambition and earning potential. She’d earn many times more than I ever could so it didn’t seem right to hold her back. Moreover, I think it’s only fair (but still not really to her) that I take care of all household duties, finances, planning, etc., which I’m better at anyway. I let my wife just worry about work. I’m very comfortable in my role, though I think many men are not. For us it’s a pretty easy decision looking at the numbers, being practical and devoid of pride or ego.
It was a super easy decision for us too; basically a no-brainer. But a lot of people really wrestle with it.
I would recommend to any soon-to-be SAHD or SAHM that he/she maintain and develop at least some part-time professional activities, hobbies, passions, or side gigs for their own personal growth. We have friends who are SAHDs , where the primary focus has been on the children for 16 years. I fear that the upcoming empty nest could be fairly traumatic without other outside activities.
Absolutely agree with that. Now that I’m home a little more it’s pretty obvious to me that my SAHW doesn’t really stay at home at all!
I am a SAHD and have been for 13 years! Sheesh time flies. My wife is a general surgeon. We had our first at the end of her 4th year of med school. Our son was 4 months old when she started residency. We moved to a new city, so I just fell into the job. Infant daycare would have been expensive and I would have to find a new job. It took a lot of stress off her during residency.
We have 3 kids now, the youngest in Kindergarten. There is always a whirlwind activities before school and after. My days are free from around 9 to 3, I have been filling the void with riding my bike. I think I have been out of the workforce too long to get a job. If I get bored I will volunteer somewhere, I haven’t found myself bored though.
Personally I love it and would do it again if I had the choice. It is not for everyone, however. Even though there are more stay at home dads, I feel that stay at home parenting is still dominated by moms and many aren’t sure about a SAHD. I don’t get invited to tea with the ladies, and my wife doesn’t get invited to golf with the male doctors. So it can be a bit isolating, though I imagine any parent at home can feel this. It works for us, I think it takes some of the pressure off my wife.
Yes, the social aspects due to cultural norms can be isolating for BOTH partners. Good point.
The decision really amounts to what works best for your own family and the different personalities involved.
My wife is a lapsed attorney who became SAHM about ten years ago. I work from home with a very flexible schedule and enjoy far more time with our kids than most parents. Nonetheless (and maybe because of that), it was pretty clear early on that me becoming SAHD would be a step backwards for the family.
It would mean both of us taking on things we weren’t particularly good at and didn’t enjoy doing all that much. My wife is *far* better than this family’s SAHD would be across the board when it comes to the kids – consistency, patience, temperament, juggling tasks while constantly being interrupted, remembering every birthday and family holiday – it’s a long list. That was our situation. One of my good friends is SAHD (actually, the only one that we know) with a pediatrician wife and he does a fantastic job with their three young boys.
Until our girls turned 3 or 4, I used to joke that I was the 5th ranked parent in the house. The first four were all named “Mom”. Now that my parent ranking is mostly Top 3, the time we spend with the kids is much more balanced and she has free time for her own projects.
One not-at-all obvious aspect about SAHD is coordinating all the play dates, shopping, park visits, museums, library, birthday parties, etc. That will happen almost exclusively with other moms in the area, so hopefully there’s a mutual comfort level on that point from both parents. SAHD isn’t the ideal job for someone with an overly paranoid or jealous spouse.
Or a philandering one!
I would love to be a SAHD I think, I just make too much money and it makes little sense in that regard. I kind of get it 50% of the week and its great. I definitely dont pull my fair share of work though, but my wife is a saint.
This is a great post! Now that some medical school classed are more than 50% female this will become more of a common topic.
I’ve been an attending hospitalist for 10 years and had 3 kids when I started and my husband was a SAHD for the first 6. Once my youngest reached 8 he went back to school and perused his passion. (Which was a total career change for him). This worked out well for the kids and our family at the time but I knew because of the type of man he was, he had to be able, at some point, do something for him. Someone mentioned the motherly instinct , I also believe some men have a strong “fatherly instinct” to protect and provide. Some may be cultural or just the way they were raised. I say this to say being a SAH parent does not have to be for 18 years. Sometimes it’s just until the kids are more self sufficient or until your oldest is driving or until their all off to college. Children who are able to have a parent stay at home for any significant length of time are in a wonderful situation.
On the other side of that I see so many new female doctors with children and working spouses struggle with childcare etc. In my opinion if one spouse is high earning the other should stay at home or work part time. The kids need it. I also suspect that when it comes to SAH parents having gaps in their work history being a SAH parent will be accepted in more instances.
For the writer of the email get ready to say “she’s at work” a million times 🙂
From an employer perspective, the gap may be explainable and warmly accepted. The real issue is the perception of current work experience, with a strong emphasis on current. Many skills could easily be brought up to current in a matter of months. Many times, it takes a year for a new hire to fully engage in a new organization. Most organizations aren’t willing to risk without current work experience. Then the perception of the entry level “profile” kicks in, overqualified is the default.
Even 5 years causes reentry difficulties.
Workforce reentry is greatly aided by maintaining some contact that generates a network.
These difficulties are present regardless of gender. Going from no work, to parttime or contract with some retraining or continuing education is a technique to mitigate the current work experience. You aren’t perceived as an employment gap. At that time, even a break even is worthwhile. You have a current experience that one is ready for full time. The gap was planned and ready to resume.
I am a family doctor and my husband stayed home with our first child from four months to four years old. During that time we also had a second child. When our son was four and our daughter was two years, he started feeling unhappy and bored staying at home and went back to work part time which transitioned into full-time a year later. He very much enjoyed the baby years and didn’t mind naps, diapers or grocery shopping. As the kids grew and preschool became a part of our lives as well as play dates, birthday parties and other activities I think he begin to feel that he didn’t fit in with/feel included with the stay at home moms as a stay at home dad and he begin to feel isolated and discontented. I was able to go more part time during his transition and when we had our third child and we use babysitters as well, now. It was awesome to have him home during much of the baby years but definitely a testament to what other people have said about keeping your foot in the door for your professional life.
My first child was adopted during fellowship and I was given 2 weeks off because “maternity leave is meant for the mother to recover” per my fellowship program. It made complete sense for my husband, a teacher, to make the decision to quit teaching and stay at home. That academic community was very inclusive and he and my son were included in the group “play dates” meant more for parental sanity than any “playing” by babies. My daughter was born between jobs and I didn’t have the resources to take much time off, again about 3 weeks. It was much more isolating for my husband socially in our new city, new state, new private practice as the stay at home moms didn’t include him. However my hours were crazy and unpredictable with a lot of unplanned evenings in surgery so it was a great comfort knowing the kids were cared for. When my kids hit 6th and 3rd grade, respectively, he was able to re-enter the teaching world and has done so for last 10 years. It was a very good decision for our needs.
Long time reader here, first time poster! I recently struggled with the decision to become a SAHD and decided against it, although my situation is different. My wife and I are both ED docs and we have 1 year old twins. I went part-time around the time of the birth and stayed that way for about 6 months (I’m lucky enough to be an independent contractor and be in a field where I can work more or less where I choose). Wife works part-time now (about 70-80 hours/month) and I’m working at a more rural stand-alone ED doing 12 and 24 hr shifts. I end up doing about 132-156 hrs/month which is kind of a lot in emergency medicine but it works out well with a mix of 12s and 24s and so only have to go to work 8-10 shifts/month. Between the 2 of us we each have 2-3 days per week where one of us is the sole parent taking care of the kids (the other at work) and we use a part-time nanny about 3 days/week. We essentially split all chores of cleaning, laundry, grocery store, changing diapers, feeding babes, etc when we’re home together. Although since I’m working more I pay for more, duh.
I feel ya tho. Sounds like you’re on the right track and I have considered going part-time again when the kids are a bit older and the wife will likely start adding more shifts and maybe I’ll eventually get to SAHD status.
Sometimes tough to find the right balance. Best of luck!
I gave up my legal career over 10 years ago to be a Stay at Home Dad to an OBGYN. This post covers the bases really well, so I’ll just highlight a few things:
Many of the female docs in my wife’s group have stay at home husbands, and in my opinion their happiness with the arrangement is largely dependent on one thing: Does he cook? Ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I know my wife appreciates more than anything that she has a home-cooked meal waiting for her (which saves money too!), and not all the docs had that. As the post said, expect to take on the lead role in the home life and let your wife focus on her work.
If she’s been in school/residency, you’ve probably been the breadwinner. This experience is helpful because you know what the pressure is like and how you are torn between work and home. Unfortunately, I’ve known many stay at homes who haven’t filled that role and are not exactly understanding that their spouse may need to stay at the office, do extra stuff outside the office, etc. to further a career, and that this doesn’t reflect a lack of desire to be with the family.
Dirty secret of being a SAHD: Mother’s guilt works in your favor. I know many SAHM’s (and even working moms) who take on EVERYTHING at home and have disengaged husbands. This is less common than it used to be but it still happens. Every SAHD I know has a wife who is fully engaged when not working. I recall being exhausted at the end of the day and I hated bath time. My wife saw it as a great opportunity to spend time with the kids, and I got a break.
The career issues are a big deal. My role was supposed to be temporary but 1) I realized I hated law and 2) our family life got soooo much simpler when I started staying home. I did need to find a stimulating hobby – the Great Financial Crisis got me into investing, and I turned that into a side-hustle which I’m now working on turning into a career. It’s not easy, though, and if you are someone who wants to go back into work eventually you need to consider how to manage that now.
It wasn’t always easy, but I have no regrets. I really don’t know how we would have survived the last decade if we both were working full time because things were so chaotic when we did so.
Last thought: I know some people think the man is supposed to make the money, but I think a man is supposed to do whatever it takes for his family.
Instead of staying at home, I would look at either part-time work or becoming a college professor. There are a number of attorneys/legal firms who are looking for legal writers, and a growing number of tech firms that employ lawyers. Dependent upon what type of law you are in, could you work from home? I know a lawyer who works a few hours a week doing trust law. A number of community colleges are begging for professors, and you might be able to find a few courses to teach remotely.