By Josh Katzowitz, WCI Content DirectorMy parents always had time for everything. They had time to commute to and from work, they had time for their eight-hour work day, they had time to take me to baseball practice and tennis matches, they had time to take my brother to soccer games, they had time to make dinner, they had time to wash their cars, they had time to feed and play with the dog, they had time to go to the gym, they had time to conduct their business at the bank, and they had time to mow the lawn.
I never have time for anything.
OK, neither of those preceding paragraphs is completely true. I’m sure my parents didn’t have time for everything, and I’m not going hard 100% every second I’m awake. But like most other parents you either are or know, much of my life is sucked up by working, chauffeuring my children around to their extracurriculars, feeding and playing with the dog, and never-actually-completely the never-ending chore list that it takes to run a house. And I don’t even have to commute to work.
But I’m not measuring up to the previous generation, and I clearly remember the first time I felt like that. I mowed the lawn for the first couple of years we lived in our current house, but with the kids growing up quickly and with their schedule (meaning my schedule) getting busier, I had to outsource the lawn care to somebody else. The first time he showed up, revved the motor on his lawnmower, and began cutting the grass, I felt like such a bougie househusband. It probably didn’t help that I was vegging out on the couch at that moment. Not even turning up the volume on my TV to drown out the sounds of his motor could help me feel better.
These days, I outsource many of my chores. Much of the time, I still don’t feel great about it. I still feel a little bougie—and a little emasculated. I wanted to explore why.
Outsourcing Your Chores
First, let me say this. I’m privileged to feel crappy about paying somebody else to complete my work. The fact that we have the ability to throw money at chores I either can't, don’t want, or don’t have the time to complete is a privilege. I don’t take that for granted.
But when a toilet is on the fritz or our light fixture is flickering or the water heater starts running exclusively cold, I get so annoyed when I have to call in help. Unlike my dad, I’m not handy. My dad can fix just about anything. Even if I can diagnose the problem and repair the issue, it takes me twice as long as it should, and I’m probably going to mess it up the first time or two that I try.
That’s OK. I've come to accept my limitations. I try my best to be handy—and I think I have improved—but when my wife tells me to call for outside help, it’s tough for me to concede that something is beyond what little handyman talent I possess.
I’m not the only one who feels this way.
“I definitely had a hard time outsourcing in the beginning,” Dr. Santi Tanikella, a pediatrician and empowerment coach who runs the I Am Well MD website and podcast, told me. “A lot of it came from the scarcity mindset from my past. In the first few years of our marriage, we were DIYing everything: curtain rods, fixing random things around the house. My husband prefers to outsource everything. I couldn’t depend on him to DIY everything just because I wanted to DIY everything. For me, DIYing was not just about saving money; it was also about being resourceful enough that if there was ever a time or an incident where I needed to step up and complete the task, I would have that experience. It was the experiential, not just the financial.”
The same goes for me. I had little victories here and there (putting together my kids’ furniture, replacing all the doorknobs in the house, fixing the toilet handle), but handyman chores were mostly an exercise in frustration with little stings of incompetence.
That doesn’t only extend to installing ceiling fans or cutting lumber with my non-existent table saw. It also involves paying taxes. Though I’d done my own taxes for several years before and just after I got married, we had hired accountants for probably the last 15 years to get them done quickly and, knock on wood, correctly. But in March 2024, I decided to try it again (I blame WCI columnist Margaret Curtis).
I struggled with TurboTax, especially with figuring out how to input my Backdoor Roth IRA and trying to determine how much we could contribute to our solo 401(k)s. After spending six hours of frustration while completing 95% of my return, I gave up and sadly sent my forms to my accountant.
Another example: every year or two, a local landscaping company delivers six yards of black-dyed mulch and dumps it in my driveway. It would probably take me three days to spread it across my entire yard (plus, I’d need to borrow a wheelbarrow from somebody). I hired a pair of local guys, and they knocked out the task in about five hours and charged me $1,400. The next day, it took me close to two hours to weed just one of my flower beds.
Is outsourcing all of that a good use of my time? A good use of my money? Some would say yes. Some would look down their noses. As one person told me at WCICON24, “My mom always said to never pay someone to do something you could do yourself.”
I fear those words will haunt me forever.
More information here:
What’s the Value of Our Time, Anyway?
What We Can Learn About Work-Life Balance and Retirement from the French
Can I Be OK with Outsourcing?
I once asked my father how he, with everything going on in our family’s life, found time to mow the lawn. He said he couldn’t remember. While that wasn’t a particularly helpful answer, it also made me wonder if all my childhood reminiscing was completely accurate. Maybe I wasn’t looking at myself in the right way, either. Maybe I wasn't remembering correctly how my parents apparently had time for everything.
A few months ago, I tracked down Dr. Seema Desai, a dentist-turned-success coach who presented at WCICON25 and who will speak again at WCICON26, to ask her about my feelings.
Why, she asked, did it bother me that I wasn’t as handy as I wanted to be, that I really didn’t like the idea of outsourcing the chores that I’m pretty sure my parents managed to manage?
“I feel like I’m not a man—that whole thing,” I told her. “I’m a man; I should be able to fix this thing. My dad is a man. He can do all that stuff. But I can’t.”
“Interesting,” she said. “It’s an identity of what this should mean. What are you making this mean? It sounds like you made this decision to outsource not based on gender but on time. And yet your brain wants to kick you while you’re down. How true is it? That you’re not a man?”
“It’s probably not true at all,” I said. “Or maybe 5% true, I don’t know.”
Desai countered: “How would you even define that? A man provides for his family, cares for the community, cares for his kids, cares for his wife, is resourceful enough to get it done. Like, Steve Jobs or anybody else who's really wealthy, were they fixing their toilets? Probably not. Are they all not men?”
Every choice, she said, comes with a cost. Just because we don’t remember the trauma and stress from decades ago doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. That might have been true for my parents.
“They might have been losing sleep, they might not have been caring for themselves,” Desai said. “I’m just saying, in very broad strokes, there was probably a lot of stress that could have cost them their health. If we’re just constantly grinding it out, it’s possible to always have that stress.
“Every choice is you saying yes to something and no to something else.”
I don’t think I’ve ever felt true burnout, but it’s something I think about constantly. I go out of my way not to spend eight straight hours at my computer during the workday. I hit the gym at lunchtime or I smack the tennis ball around with my kids or I volunteer on behalf of my community just to get into the sunlight and to get away from the daily stressors. Sometimes, I feel selfish about that, especially when the toilet is still running or the grass is getting taller as I start my car and drive away to do something fun.
That’s when I try to convince myself that struggling through a TurboTax session is for the short term; preserving myself for my family and for my own happiness is the long-term play.
“Where do you value your time being spent?” Tanikella said. “I know when I’m 70 and I look back at all the dishes that I washed, I’m not going to feel any sort of way about it. But if I look back and think about all the times I got to spend with my kids–those extra 15 minutes–that means something to me. They’re going to remember that they were more important than the dishes.”
More information here:
I Spent 6 Hours with a Bunch of Taylor Swift-Obsessed Doctors; Here’s What I Learned
What We Learned Financially from Our Parents and How We’re Passing It on to the Next Generation
The Bottom Line
During the pandemic, we canceled our monthly maid service. It was a good way to save money and to keep ourselves healthy. But without the help, we’d spend hours every weekend cleaning the house, the guest bathroom and bedroom (that nobody was even using!), the kitchen, all the other toilets, etc. It was miserable enough that I dreaded the weekends and looked forward to the work week.
When COVID restrictions eased, we had no problem outsourcing those chores again. It simply wasn’t worth being miserable on the days that were supposed to rejuvenate us.
As Dr. Jim Dahle said on the WCI Podcast earlier this year, “It’s OK to hire some help with your household stuff. It might involve a little more expense or tax paperwork, but it’s probably worth it to make your life better. Remember, the biggest risk in your life is burnout. If you come home from a 12-hour day and find out you have four more hours of work waiting for you, [outsourcing your chores] is a type of burnout insurance.”
Maybe my parents thought about that. Maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had time for everything, but they probably didn’t.
Yet, here’s one thing I know: when I turned 13 years old, my father outsourced the lawncare. That’s when he sat down on the couch, and I started mowing the lawn.
Money Song of the Week
I love Broadway musicals, but I’d be lying if I said I was a big fan of Barbra Streisand. It’s nothing to do with her talent and her outstanding voice, but she’s from a couple of earlier generations before I cared about show tunes. And I found that many of those musicals from the 1950s-1970s don’t strike me in the way that Phantom of the Opera or Rent does. The jokes from that classic era of Broadway are a little eye-roll-y, and some of the plots are a little cringe-y by today’s standards.
But then, you go out of your way to listen to Streisand sing, and her talent and charisma smack you in the nose.
Take, for instance, a song I’d never heard before just now called Value from a 1961 Broadway show I’d never heard of before just now called Another Evening with Harry Stoones. The musical lasted just 10 performances before closing, so I won’t blame you if not a single WCI reader had ever heard of this week’s money song. I mean, the 9-year-old YouTube video, which you’ll watch below, only has 3,700 views on a channel that boasts more than 600,000 subscribers.
The tune is rather delightful, as Streisand, playing the role of Nancy for this tune, sings about how she’s in love with Harold Mengert even though it has nothing to do with him owning a car and coming from a wealthy family.
As Streisand, who reportedly earned a whopping $37.50 per week (about $400 in today’s money) for the show, sang:
“Call me what you will/But nonetheless I'm still/In love with Harold Mengert/And it's not because he has a wealthy family/Arnie Fleischer has a wealthy family/But money isn't everything/And if Harold didn't have a dime to his name/I know I'd love him just the same.”
The song, though, turns on the bridge, and the full joke is revealed in the outro.
In the case of Nancy, money can’t buy her love . . . but it can make her fall in love twice.
More information here:
Every Money Song of the Week Ever Published
Facebook Post of the Week
Look, I love Corey Feldman as much as the next guy (I grew up on Stand By Me, License to Drive, and The Lost Boys), but does this seem a little high for a movie star whose biggest moments were like 40 years ago? Photo via Rock N Roll Experience.
For what it’s worth, you can buy an autographed photo of Feldman on eBay for between $60-$260, so that $160 charge for a non-personalized autograph actually isn’t all that outlandish.
Do you have a difficult time outsourcing your chores? If not, what’s your secret? If so, from where do you think that reluctance stems?
[EDITOR'S NOTE: For comments, complaints, suggestions, or plaudits, email Josh Katzowitz at [email protected].]
Before medicine, I worked a full time construction job and a construction side gig. My side gig boss could do my job so I asked him why he hired me and he told me that he only hired people who could do a job better, faster, or cheaper. He reiterated that when a bunch of people showed up to do his lawn while we loaded heavy equipment to build a driveway and he added that he had better things to do. I remembered that when I became a doctor; I let the pros do the toilets without thinking I’m a failure for not getting chores done because they do it better and faster and I have something better to do even if that’s recovering from my day so I can keep going to work.
My husband says the physical exertion of lawn care and snow removal is more varied and fun than trying to replicate the same movements at a gym. He’s moving his body now so that it keeps moving late in life. And, learning a new skill (like how to repair rotting wood around a window, or fix the in-door ice machine) is intellectually stimulating; utilizing areas of the brain and body that are different from the ones used during his every-day job. Could he be earning more money than he is spending by hiring someone else to do the task? Possibly. But, there are things that are just as (if not more) important as money in the long run. And, a skill learned once may be used over and over again. His determination to not out-source has also been a terrific example to our three sons, who now have the confidence to at least attempt projects before calling in the reinforcements. There are, of course, limits. Learning and accepting them are other skills developed through his efforts.
Side note: Friends from New York tell us it is common to out-source teaching your child how to ride a bike and packing their bags for their sleep-away camps. Sounds like a lot of child/parent connections missed in the process.
That’s interesting. One of my proudest moments as a parent was teaching my kids to ride a bike. Now, we’re teaching my kids how to drive. You’re right about the child-parent connection in those moments.
“Yet, here’s one thing I know: when I turned 13 years old, my father outsourced the lawncare. That’s when he sat down on the couch, and I started mowing the lawn.”
Too funny!
You mentioned something someone once told you: “My mom always said to never pay someone to do something you could do yourself.”
Which reminded me of a corollary that I worked out for myself:
“Never forgo doing for yourself something you get paid to do for others.”
As a management consultant I used to do complex analyses for my clients; yet when it came to our own finances, I’d sometimes balk at doing a detailed analysis to determine the best course of action. I realize that for most of this group that isn’t very practical. Just came to mind and thought it might resonate with other readers.
But to your point, yes, one should learn when it’s time to ‘write the check’ versus taking something on yourself.
dude awesome article man! Jonathan Clements in his book “How To Think About Money” definitely emphasized outsourcing tasks you detest as a way to maximize happiness with your spending dollars. My dad was definitely much handier than me, was an engineer so he loved fixing stuff, and he was a Filipino immigrant so tried to save money by DIYing everything. I count my blessings that I (and it you as well dude) have the financial means to outsource everything. I have to disagree with you when I see other people cutting my lawn- I feel great hearing the grass being cut, and don’t mind sending the check in the mail for the service.
That being said I hear you that my inability to hang even a picture on the wall (in my defense, it was a pretty heavy framed picture) makes me less of a man. But then as Santi points out, I am replacing my unhandiness by more important measures of being a man, including providing income, taking care of my wife, and raising my kids. I also play a lot of poker, drink a lot of beer, and get on the bench press on occasion. Take that can’t DIY any househould chore Rikki!
Outsource anything you don’t like or want to do especially if it’s cost effective to outsource it. My time is my most valuable commodity. I can mow my lawn, trim and use the blower and takes about 2.5 hours. I have a guy who does all that for $65. To me that’s a no brainer. He has the equipment and crew so it takes him 30 min max. Win win for us both. On the flip side my mechanic wanted $580 to replace 6 spark plugs. I bought OEM plugs for $125 and took me 30 minutes to install them. Ask yourself what your time is worth and whether you actually like to do the job or not. And remember you can’t buy more time.
When my wife used to complain about my lack of household skills, my “self patting on the back” answer was that I was too busy learning how to cure peoples cancer, than how to paint a wall !
I found the comment about doing-it-yourself having some relation to “being a man” interesting. It is hard for me to conceive that being able to fix things yourself has anything to do with masculinity.
For me it is simply whether I like to do it or not. I like rewiring the house or replacing wall switches with internet controlled devices. Anything I can fix with a soldering iron, duct tape or a hot glue gun, I will take a shot at.
I hate working in the garden or fixing a fence so all that is outsourced.
This idea that some people “aren’t handy” I think is strange.
Would you say “I’m not a good surgeon” because I haven’t done surgical training? Would you say “I’m not a good concert pianist” because I haven’t taken years of lessons and thousands of hours of practice? Of course not.
I’m sure your dad wasn’t born with intrinsic knowledge of how to repair toilets and repair cars. It’s a choice to learn to acquire any skill. I know so many intelligent professional people who refuse to learn to do basic home/car maintenance because they are “not handy”; that’s bunk. They’ve decided that they don’t want to learn and can hire someone to do it for them.
Personally, I find for most smallish household repairs, it takes almost as much time to find the right person, get quotes, arrange to be at home when said people can come over than to just do it myself. And it’s always way cheaper (even if I do have to buy some tools) . And I enjoy learning about most of that stuff.
I agree with you about a lot of the maintenance things though- happy to outsource cleaning toilets and vacuuming.
Spoken like the closet handy-man that you are.