By Dr. Joshua White, WCI ColumnistAs physicians, dentists, or other high-income earners, we might experience times when others will come to us seeking financial help. This is difficult for many reasons. High-income earners are targets; after all, many people assume that with a well-known high income, there should be more disposable income and fewer financial troubles. To make matters worse, it is difficult to say no to others, especially after prolonged education and training when we were less able to help.
This is even more challenging when it is your own family that is asking for money. If I say no, what will Thanksgiving dinner be like? Will this corrode our relationship? Of course, this is a very personal decision, and every individual circumstance is different. However, without intentional preparation, many of us will find ourselves in difficult conversations with high stakes. Just as it is essential to create your own financial plan, I propose that it is prudent to consider how you want to respond to these requests when they come.
Here are some points that may help you prepare for these difficult conversations:
Have a Plan Before Being Asked to Give Money
As an emergency medicine physician, I am expected to handle situations that I will rarely encounter in my career. In rare cases, this may involve performing a C-section to deliver a baby. I am not a surgeon, and I don’t like the idea of doing this. However, when the time has come and when people need my help, my time for preparation has passed.
How do I prepare? I mentally practice. I rehearse in my mind what I will do when these difficult cases arrive.
Likewise, I recommend each of us develop a plan of what we will say when family asks us for financial help. What will you say to your parents? Your siblings? Your children? When do you think it is a good idea to loan or give them money? This takes significant mental energy, but I have found it to be immensely helpful when needed. It might be as simple as deciding to say, “I’m sorry that times have been difficult, let me get back to you about how I might be able to help.” This gives you time to evaluate the situation before prematurely committing to give money.
Can You Afford to Give Money to Your Family?
Each family dynamic and culture is different, and in some families, children may be expected to help support their parents or even other members of the family. An essential part of our ability to help others depends on the ability to meet our needs first. That’s why, on an airplane, we are encouraged to put our oxygen mask on first before helping others during an emergency. Based on the same principle, you and your spouse need to determine if you can afford to help your family. If so, how much can you afford? This amount may change over time, and it should be evaluated when you evaluate your financial plan.
This also makes it much easier to say no to others if you have already made the decision that you can’t afford it. Many of us have financial circumstances that others might not understand, such as hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans, being behind on retirement contributions, etc. Sharing some of these details may make setting financial boundaries easier. This is also a more credible explanation if we are choosing to not live a financially extravagant life.
More information here:
How to Handle Making More Money Than Your Friends
Is This a Financial Gift or a Contract?
The standard way people tend to ask for financial help is to ask for money. I have often heard the advice not to mix business with personal because it rarely ends well. One of the reasons is that there are repercussions that affect personal relationships when business ventures don’t go as planned. When being asked to lend money, consider if this is a gift or a contract. If it is a contract, it is a business deal, and you should evaluate it on its merits. Does it have good potential? If this wasn’t a family member approaching me, would I invest in this? Another important consideration is to think about what will happen if the person to whom you lent money doesn’t pay you back. Will this cause resentment? Will this change your interactions during a future family reunion?
If this is a gift, then it is easier to set clear expectations. If it is a gift, there should be no expectations of being paid back. Furthermore, others don’t dictate what gifts to give so I think it allows more creativity. If a family member is in need and asks for money, there are other ways to give and potentially satisfy the need through a different way, such as giving food, financial advice, opportunities to work, etc.
What Is Their Financial Track Record?
Before giving money to a family member, it's important to consider their track record. Are they continually asking for help or always seem to be in different crises? Or are they conscientious and dependable? The times I have regretted giving money to others is when they have had a pattern of being financially irresponsible.
What Is the Quality of Your Relationship?
I have seen people who try to compensate for the poor quality of their relationship with a family member by giving financial gifts to “win them over.” This rarely seems to produce any long-lasting relationship benefits. Rather, it creates an unhealthy dependence. In contrast, the more my relationship with a family member is based on quality time and regular contact, the less likely a financial gift will have a negative impact. Because of this, I am more likely to give money to a family member if we have a close, high-quality relationship.
More information here:
The Right Way to Borrow Money from Family
Helping Family When They Are Bad with Money
The Consequences of Giving and Not Giving Money to Family
It is easier to give people what they want, and it temporarily appears that it helps them and strengthens the relationship. But does it really? In his well-known book The Millionaire Next Door, Thomas Stanley elaborates on what he calls economic outpatient care. He says that when affluent parents give money to their children:
“The intent may be to help their children ‘get started on the right foot.' The parents assume that such gifts are a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon . . . They assume that the recipients of their kindness will be able to ‘do it on their own' in the near future. Nearly half the time, they are wrong.” He goes on to say that even the gift of a full or partial down payment “can place a recipient on a treadmill of consumption and continued dependence on the gift giver . . . Many gift receivers in such situations become sensitive to the need for continued economic outpatient care. Their orientation may even dramatically change from a focus on self-generated economic achievement to one of hoping for and contemplating the arrival of additional gifts.”
This is a striking warning of what can happen from well-intended monetary gifts. In contrast, when we don’t give money to family members when they ask, this can cause division and uncomfortable situations.
In the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, they make the claim, “We can't manipulate people into swallowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a ‘litmus test' for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. ‘I only like it when you do what I want.'”
This can be difficult when our loved ones don’t accept our boundaries. What can we do to strengthen relationships while saying “no?”
Emotional Bank Account
Author Stephen Covey teaches us that relationship capital can be compared to a bank account.
He says, “If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to.”
If you decide that you can’t afford to give help and you set a boundary, it is even more essential to build up a relationship reserve through other ways of showing a greater measure of kindness. It is common for others to feel less loved, neglected, or more distant when rejected. Even though it is not one’s responsibility to prevent others from feeling offended, I have found even a small amount of intentional kindness can go a long way. It would be a tragedy to make the right financial move at the expense of a cherished relationship.
I want the people I love to know that I am there to support them, even if it’s not in the way that they were hoping or expecting. If you don’t feel like giving money is the right decision, I’d invite you to consider small ways that could build your relationship. A heartfelt phone call, an invitation to dinner, or making them cookies are all small things that might make a big difference.
More information here:
Finding Your ‘Why’ for Your Desired Financial Behavior
My Experience with Family Members Asking for Money
I have had many family members ask me for money. My initial plan that I implemented was to ask if they were willing to accept my financial advice and see the financial details of their life in exchange for my help. This initially worked, but I had an experience that changed the way I make my decisions.
My mom was in a difficult financial situation and asked me for money. I followed my predetermined plan, and I asked for some personal financial information in an effort to help with a needs assessment to see how I might be willing to help. She refused to give me this information and then asked one of my other siblings for money. It was given without pause or question. Subsequently, our relationship became strained. However, I felt justified.
Although she hadn’t asked me for money before, I didn’t agree with the way she was spending her money. Shortly thereafter, she was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer and passed away in just a few months. Thankfully, we reconciled, and I was able to help in different ways before she passed. I shudder to think what I would have felt like had I not helped and reconciled with her after turning down her request for financial assistance. Because of this, when it comes to my closest relationships, I plan to err on the side of generosity.
If I could go back, I still wouldn’t have given money in the way she requested. But I would have done so much more to immediately support her. I would want her to know I am by her side to face the struggles she has and that she isn’t alone. This experience changed me.
My Plan for Giving Money to Family
- Plan ahead with individual responses to each close family member if they were to ask for money.
- Set aside some discretionary money when immediate family members are in a financial crisis.
- Err on the side of generosity by being more willing to give, especially if this is not an established pattern of asking for money.
- I choose giving over lending money.
- When saying no to financial assistance, intentionally put extra effort in other ways to show kindness and empathy. I want my family to know I care about them.
I hope my personal experiences can help you prepare and navigate difficult conversations while maintaining close financial security and close family relationships.
Have you had family members ask you for monetary help? How did you respond? Do you regret any of your decisions? What will you do in the future?
My father once loaned me money. We signed a note with interest at the prevailing rate. I was happy with that. My nephew asked me for a “loan” of $20,000. He had no clear idea of how he would spend it on his LLC and I know that given my frugal lifestyle and his lack thereof, it would be a constant irritant at best; hence I said no.
Supporting a parent is a different matter. Over 25 states have filial responsibility laws. Several court cases have been in the news over the decades of the law being enforced. The lack of the reporting is a bit misleading however. In VA, these are enforced through the Juvenile and Domestic Relations Courts and they follow different disclosure laws than other courts, thus how often this comes up is not known to the public.
Thanks for sharing your experience! It’s amazing how often times those who ask for money don’t have a plan.
As for parents, that’s good to know! I didn’t know there were laws like that, but that’s good to keep in mind when making a plan.
Thought I was loaning one sib but never any repayment. We seem estranged though I don’t know if that decades ago default is any factor- they are estranged from most of the family. Other sib, less needy and we felt more reliable and one I often discuss finances with, once asked for a brief loan when the market caused his margins to be called and he wanted to pay it quicker than he could round up the money from his various accounts. Asked spouse if he was willing with me to risk this sib not paying back 4 times what the other sib had never repaid, and he agreed the risk was low so we went ahead and were paid back as hoped for (in weeks, no interest no contract).
Now 30?+ years later same brother bought a house, finds it more expensive than planned, and asked we give him a better rate than the 8% loan he has out for his new roof or whatever. We assessed our finances. Now in retirement most of our free money is already earmarked, but came up with a portion of the loan amount he’d prefer which we can spare, given that should we need it back ASAP he might be unable to so I can’t class the loan to him as the same as the CDs where we have our other ready money. Given that he prefers to pay off the higher rate loan first then us that’s in line with his needs/ wants. So we have a small amount of interest he pays us quarterly as good/ better than our CDs pay, a contract for what that’s worth saying he’ll pay us back ASAP on demand, otherwise starting by a date a few years out, and if not I can claim a portion of a farm we own together from his stake on/after a certain date. Only problem so far has been getting the interest to us via ever changing bank money transfer plans (he’s Gen X and I’m a Boomer- I balk at getting a new money app every 6 months!) – and he finally agreed to just write and mail me a check after the payment he wanted me to get on the 25th wasn’t even dated or mailed by his bank until the 31st.
BTW that brother and I have in common a (different) profligate relative and have both agreed to never start funding them since our money advice over the years has been totally ignored and the demand/ need would never be satisfied. Sadly the person’s spouse’s relatives will have (and have started) to bear the burden, and the spouse will probably outlive them actuarially by 30 years but the pension plan will be gutted in 5, so if widowed that spouse will go from both their SS plus about as much more at present from the pension plan (hey they are taking a lot less from it than they did years ago- which is the problem!) to only 2/3 what they now get in SS. I’ve always offered them a home with us but given it’s far from their kids and friends I knew they’d likely never take me up on it.
On a side note I gave a pricey string of pearls as a HS grad present to one sister, but when the next one got to that age she asked I get her a computer about same price instead!
Thanks Jenn!
I think your experience demonstrates it’s important to evaluate your relationship and their track record. Sometimes it works out really well.
This is all Fantasy Island
1. Before Dad died, his finances were a disaster. Said “Give me 10,000$ for taxes”. No discussing. Was not a loan. Mom forbade me to have him sign a loan or any paper. “He’s too proud”. Not proud enough to demand 10,000$. Never was repaid. What would yall have done?
2. Mom at 93 ran through entire life savings needed assisted living. So the 5,000$ monthly fee, 5,000$ hearing aids and 12,000$ dental work bills paid by me and my brother. She won’t sell house to finance any of this. House left to said brother , none to me. Long story there. So, what should I do? She’s 96 now going strong. Refuse to pay and blow up any relationship with mom and brother?
3. Mother in law. Husband , now deceased, was extremely low wage earner. She gets 2200 month social security. 0 savings. So she gets 500$ a month from me. Since 2010. She’s 89 and going strong
So. What would yall do?
You gonna say let them live on the streets? Government housing? Food stamps? All articles like the above are tee hee happy happy fantasy till reality hits like me. I’ve given away so far 150,000$ between the two of them. I’m retired. Massive strain on me. Won’t spend any money on wife and myself because I’ve got these two additional mouths at the trough. Thank god my son is working and self sufficient.
Hey Rob, sorry all that happened to you man those are tough choices. I don’t think Josh really had a fantasy Island type story given his mom passed away. I think these are very tough choices and Josh wasn’t right or wrong with refusing to giving his dying mom money. Neither are you right or wrong with either giving money or having your loved ones just “live on the streets” as you say. Just put the oxygen mask on yourself first, though, as you say, you have financial strain. If you go down, then you can’t help any of your family members.
Hey Rob,
Sorry to hear that you are straddled with these difficult situations. The point of the article is to illustrate you have to live with the consequences of giving or not giving. These are some of the most difficult and emotional situations I have been in. I don’t pretend to know the answers. It sounds like you have decided to pay money in these difficult situations. If you can afford it, great! But if it causes personal catastrophe, I don’t think that’s worth it. Or if it causes resentment, I don’t think that’s worth it either. There is a psychologist I follow that frequently says “choose guilt over resentment.” I tend to agree. In those 3 situations given the information, in the first case, I wouldn’t have given money. No discussing, no money. That’s my rule. 2. I don’t know the details but I wouldn’t have given money until the house was used to help. I would make it clear to brother that if he has the house, he had responsibility to provide. At the very least, I would try to cut down on monthly expenses. 3. I think I would just pay the 500/ month if I could afford it.
But who cares what I would do! Everyone has their own difficult situations to navigate and I think you’ve illustrated it’s easier to decide before than to decide in the moment. Thanks for sharing.
In hindsight should have pushed the issue for #1. Of course I was told they paid my college and med school so this was sorta, payback. I’m looking at this like paying back a loan. Of course , MIL did nothing financially for me but that’s my wife’s mom. So here I am!
Robert: Here’s my real life scenario of what you call a fantasyland. And I think if you will need money from your kids or the state to support you when you are that age due to the support you’re giving your parents you really should scale back, especially with your mother’s house not being used to repay you. I don’t feel it’s my duty to make up for our parents’ poor money habits. (I DO intend to protect my kids if needed from economic catastrophe such as a medical issue- so I will carry health insurance on them if they don’t have it elsewhere until I die, and let them move home ((NOT start paying their mortgage for them)) should they lose job etc.)
I agreed with my spouse we will not risk US living in a crappy nursing home in the future to help any parent or otehr relative avoid living in a crappy nursing home. So far his Mom can afford a fancy one, and my Mom lived with us paying a nominal rent until I made her go to a nursing home that would accept Medicaid once she went through her own money. She died there several months after the move, before using Medicaid. I am still uncertain if me or her paying more for a better NH would have kept her alive longer… I think paying for 24/7/365 on call assistance like she had from us WHEN WE WERE HOME would have, and that the NH was often too slow to please her when she did request their help but seemed like the best way to provide that never out of the house or out of town care she couldn’t get living with us. Her getting covid and obstipation and bed sore might have been avoided or postponed with 24/7 home care, not certain though. (I had wanted her to go to NH years earlier but the initial covid risks of NH made us bring her into our home for some time instead.)
His dad is gone, my dad has a younger wife and my stepsisters who live nearby and owe him a great deal more than I do money wise if not geneticly. If his wife predeceases him he’s welcome to move in with me as are they both now, but they wouldn’t since her daughters are in their current town nowhere near me. I don’t plan to give him anything aside from advice since his (and her) needs are bottomless. (Howeverh his state DOES have laws about children supporting parents).
I shouldn’t have used certain words. Should know not to reply when angered. I’m in a mess. I can afford for now. But it severely influences MY spending. I do not travel. Drive a 9 yo Kia Forte. Debating for one month want a turntable have not bought. They cost me 2800$ a month. For a retiree that’s significant. I wanted to force the house sale issue. It would have destroyed the brother and mother relationship so my fault. And the MIL also destitute. Both fathers made mistakes leaving their spouses destitute. My dad NEVER invested a dime so inflation destroyed him. He died 2000 and left 80,000. My MIL, her husband was low paid auto mechanic They saved 0. Lived paycheck to paycheck. So. He dies 2012. Left nothing. No retirement account. So to keep,her afloat I send her monthly “welfare checks” since 2010. Either that or I get a new roommate! This has made me resentful and angry. Most of my boomer physician partners are making bank when parents die. 2 of them got 700,000 and another got half interest in a beach house at Kiawah Island. I will inherit nothing which is fine but also bleeding out tremendous cash for welfare payments, which are not deductible either. It’s not enough to qualify as a dependent. I know I sound like a money hoarding Scrooge but I did not plan on this when pre planning retirement. So my angry response to this is because others have to be in my shoes and I never see a post saying “you better save up for your parents”.
Keeping your wife outweighs the new turntable especially for $500/month. It would be tough for me though to value harmony with my parent and sibling as you have had to, but my family dynamics are very South Dakota cattle farmer- we also never put our pets through surgery (but no longer shoot them ourselves) nor even attend most relatives’ funerals. (And I could see your wife insisting on you providing the money to your mom also.) I can’t understand my many Southern acquaintances who stay broke because they always have some 3rd cousin’s funeral they must attend 3 states away.
Appreciate the comments.
I guess I chose harmony over having more $. Guess would be nice to get a thank you from
The mom’s occasionally. (They each have once). They themselves did very little form their parents compared to us. They never gave $ to their parents. They each preached self sufficiency so that’s why I was so shocked by our situation now The $ could be going to our only child as he’s starting out.
Don’t go to funerals if you can’t afford to go. If you can afford to go, it can be a wonderful way to honor a life and see the other people who loved them. Weddings and funerals are when people come together.
“Choose guilt over resentment” – I also love that advice from Dr. Deloney.
Confused by your comment. No one is forcing you to gift money to relatives or even like this article. Read Henry Cloud’s Boundaries book (which is referenced in the post) would be my recommendation.
One big red flag is that you sound like you’re struggling financially in order to help others. I would agree with other commenters in that you need to ensure your safety and wellbeing are being met “before assisting other passengers.”
Since you asked, personally, I wouldn’t have done #1 (but would have suggested an alternative given the secrecy and entitlement–again Boundaries might have some insight). For #2 I might consult a council on aging or seniors organization for eligible programs, but be aware that some assets (house) might be on the table. $500 isn’t much for me, so I would have simply done #3.
Tell them no. They won’t starve. You’re enabling and weak and harming your own retirement.
While it looks cold and is fairly to the point, this might be the best and quickest advice ever, especially for Americans. Typically most in this culture are victims of big eyes and entitlement, not just living and surviving, which was the case for most people throughout history. As Cole implies, not encouraging bad behavior is usually the best way for everyone. I’d say if you can’t do that for emotional reasons or otherwise, just GIVE smaller amounts to people, expecting nothing in return.
My mother is 88 years old. Still playing golf. She maintains a summer home and a winter home, traveling back and forth. It is a fairly expensive lifestyle. She is down to less than 2 million in assets and will likely run out of money in a few more years. So far we have not paid for anything major but the concern is there that she will need help. We are hoping that in the next couple of years, she will settle for one house and reduce her expenses greatly. This will likely occur if and when traveling back and forth between homes becomes too much of a burden.
At 88 and $2 million, she’s got to really be going through it fast to run out. What’s her life expectancy, 4 years? 3?
Boy would I be glad to be like her at 88. If my parents have the health that she seems to have at that age, I would love nothing better than for them to take advantage of it to the fullest. Trying to limit her at this point would probably cause more intangible damage than any financial gain. With $2M in assets and living that lifestyle for so long it seems that she (and her spouse) were probably great with their money. I have a hard time believing she will burn through that during the remainder of her active life. I would make sure, though, that those assets are invested appropriately.
Josh, great story man and thanks for sharing. Had a question did your mom have frivolous spending because she knew she had cancer? If so, did you feel very guilty of not giving her money so she could Yolo right before she died?
Definitely your article made me reevaluate if my parents ask me for money as they took out $31,000 in credit card debt in my name. I have to reaffirm to myself that I’m never giving them money even if they ask. That and my wife would kill me!
They took it out in your name??!!
Yep, it sucked. My parents had trouble paying the mortgage on their house during the great financial crisis. I guess because my parents were desperate as well as they felt I owed them something for rearing and taking care of me whenever there was offers in the mail to open a credit card even though the mail was directed to me my mom would fill out the application and fake my signature and Sent it back. The only way I found out was when I tried to open a mortgage at Chase Bank in 2014 and the loan officer told me I had multiple maxed out credit cards and there was no way I would get a mortgage. Me and my wife were not happy.
I tried to get those credit cards closed and say they were fraudulent, but Chase, Discover, Bank Of America, and capital one all said they use information that I would only know, including Social Security number, and other personal information to verify my identity. I tried to tell them it was my own mother of course she know all this information about me, but to no avail. Seems credit card fraud was very easy back in the early 2000s. I was able to get the credit cards at least off my credit reports at TransUnion and Equifax. However, Experian was not so forthcoming and what I ended up having to do was pay off that $31,000 in credit card debt to get my credit score back up.
Needless to say, when it comes to my parents me and my wife are not so happy about this, and we’ll never give them money ever.
The credit card companies (and credit reporting agencies) may have been more helpful if you had filed a police report. I would make sure your credit is frozen as a precaution for future similar events.
I can’t imagine how it must feel to have your very own parents commit identify theft on you. Very sorry.
I actually did file a police report- still didn’t help. The credit card companies not in so many words said they still want to get paid for that debt. They would freeze the cards or close them in response to the police report, but unless the debt got paid it would say “charged off with a balance” which still dings my credit 🙁
I ended up using the police report to at least get them to say “charged off with a balance” and when I finally made the money to pay of the credit cards in full they changed the report to “closed paid in full” which brought my credit score back up, but yes, I had to pay off these full balance of $31,000 in total. As I said above, it was really experian that would not get rid of these cards on their report, so I really only had to pay it because experian was being so difficult.
Wow. I am astounded and so sorry. Dang. Like ive heard, no one can screw you over like family.
Rikki,
She didn’t have frivolous spending because of cancer it was the same as before. Unfortunately she wouldn’t listen to our advice as I have several siblings- but wanted the money strings free. Thanks for using this as a personal evaluation- that was the goal, to help people evaluate what they will and won’t do.
Yes, I have lent and given money to family members. Regarding my siblings, my initial policy was that the first time I would lend them the money no questions were asked. The second time I would ask the purpose of the loan and why they did not have enough money to cover it.
One sibling borrowed money twice, totalling about $4,000. Over time he paid back about half. It’s been about 30 years and I have long ago considered the other half a gift.
He has asked the family in general for additional money in the recent past which I have ignored.
Another sibling started asking for small loans which he would eventually pay back but the timing and amounts were determined by him. He had a long term history of doing this with our mother who always lent him money with no questions until she no longer had the capacity to do this. My brother was looking for a replacement loan institution. After the second loan I told him in the future that I would only loan him money in times of emergency and I tried to outline the criteria. He reinterpreted that to mean whenever he had what he thought was a financial need, he could borrow from an emergency fund. I finally told him no when he asked to borrow money for the fifth time in just over 2 years. He refused to talk to me for 1.5 years. Three years after that last request he asked to borrow money again with very similar circumstances to the one I said no to 3 years prior. Again I said no and he again was very upset and would not talk to me for 1.5 years. We are on speaking terms again and I have expressed the desire not to have our relationship depend on the issue of money. Two years into being on speaking terms we have a somewhat tenuous cordial relationship and money has not been an issue.
One issue that was not discussed in your article is the issue of entitlement. What I learned through all these experiences is that once you make that first loan or gift the receiver can often feel entitled to receive future loans and gifts. Once you say no then any small amount of goodwill engendered by the act of the previous loan is totally forgotten and now the lender becomes a “miser”, “stingy”, a terrible brother. He then refuses to even talk to that brother for 1.5 years. I don’t know how many times I tried to explain that I did not want our brother relationship to depend on my willingness to give or lend him money whenever he asked. That fell on deaf ears. I have again reiterated what a true financial emergency is but only once for fear he will reinterpret these words once again.
My policy at this time is that I will not give or loan money to any sibling family member unless it is a true financial emergency. In all honesty we have been far more generous with our two sons but they have always been financially responsible and paid us back on a regular schedule (until we usually forgive the remainder of the loan at some point).
Love to hear other experiences.
Dr. John Romano
Read my experience. What do people
Do when parents need money or they’re thrown out on the streets? We aren’t talking loans anymore. It’s parental welfare.
Hey John,
Thank you for sharing your experiences!
I think it’s tough because some people that are entitled will make you a villain if you set and keep boundaries. But I have learned if the person doesn’t respect your boundaries, then it’s probably not a high quality relationship because behavior is a language.
Very good point on the whole entitlement issue. Our tragic observation has been that when a recipient of our generosity (or potential recipient) goes on the “offensive” and resorts to name calling, anger, etc… It is evidence that the relationship was not that strong in the first place. Such a sad contrast with much closer relationships, where loved ones have been open to advice and are honest about their needs, situation, fears, plans, etc. But I suppose we ought to count our blessings in that we actually do have some family members who do not struggle with entitlement.
For a long time my dad and sister made cracks about rich doctors. After a decade or so I decided to tune that out and eventually they seemed to stop bringing it up. I DO pay for meals when I visit them (except when my younger sisters or their men fight me for the check) since I insist on eating 2-3 meals out a day at their city’s much better cuisine than in the rural south where I lived.
When I worry about my relatives’ finances I remember their many trips to exotic locales compared to our years spent working 70 hours a week and using our few weeks of leave to visit relatives or recover from our work and decide they don’t need my money.
I want to gift to folks BEFORE I die to save spouse trouble of that in my will, but fear one gift while I still live wouldn’t be considered the end of the story…
This is a very important topic and so I applaud Dr. White for writing and WCI for running this article. I suspect many folks out there deal with prideful or manipulative parents and siblings, so this is an extremely difficult issue. I truly wish you the best if this is your situation. One takeaway I remember from Henry Cloud is that establishing boundaries is NOT an unloving thing to do, no matter what someone may try to accuse you of and attempt a guilt trip.
We’ve had a mixture of experiences. Our “default” for many family members is to be very cautious, thanks to past history and current issues. Unfortunately, there is a history of manipulation, score-settling, and/or entitlement. We would be skeptical of loaning or gifting money to a sibling dealing with an addiction. So that is a fantastic point about having more of an “open book” with a recipient.
Much of the content might also be “adapted” for younger White Coats in medical school or residency when it comes to navigating receiving family assistance. In our family, one side has always made clear financial boundaries and expectations, and we have never worried about ulterior motives or a gift suddenly “changing” into a loan depending on a parent’s mood. Unfortunately, the other side of the family really struggles with finances (mostly due to lack of planning and a distrustful dynamic between people). We recently had a parent visit, and after some random happenings (like the parent needing a few things at the store while others were away), she nearly drained an old bank account from high school to reimburse herself and tried to shame us for not taking care of her. Our mistake—she was still listed on it and had full access, but we had been wary of something like this happening, so we always kept less than $200 in this account.
My issue is : there’s no boundary talk etc when you have indigent parents and they can’t pay the electric bill or assisted living bill and they have 0 assets. All this talk is foo foo. I’m telling yall. If you’re high income better prepare for and set aside assets to pay for parents. I can’t be the only one in this horrific situation of being retired and supporting a mother AND a mother in law?
Yes, boundaries are still important in that situation to avoid burnout or financial harm to yourself. If you actually read the article, you would notice that the author talked about setting someone up for success in the future, rather than just putting a bandaid on the problem. I might be using my own words with this comment, but when Dr. White talks about offering financial advice (“having a plan” and evaluating someone’s “track record”), I understand this as an attempt to address core issues instead of just being a blank check. There are many alternatives, anything from lending a copy of the Bogleheads Guide to Investing (or WCI book), “gifting” your time by spending a weekend going over a budget for a senior on fixed income, to offering to research govt programs.
You don’t seem willing to engage and keep using words like “foo foo” and “tee hee” to dismiss everything, so I truly wish you the best and that there is some resolution and boundary-setting for your situation.
Perhaps I was too harsh on the article. I’m here saying sometimes u
Have no choice. Anyone here with assets would let their mom go on Medicaid in a miserable ‘caid home and MIL thrown into government housing and food stamps? I’m saying better put aside cash for parents if they’re like most Americans with no savings
See my reply to your earlier comments- I put my mom in a Medicaid accepting NH and earlier would’ve helped her apply for applicable programs if she ever qualified- of course she was tremendously rich by Alabama standards but they actually will help pay NH bills for seniors. She never used up all her money and never got Medicaid started before dying there though.
Wow Robert! T
You are in a tough situation . I ended up giving a lot of money to my mother over the years. Eventually she required 24/7 care and the bill was approaching $100,000 per year. I was the only sibling with financial means. We ended up getting a reverse mortgage but when the money ran out we had to sell the home to satisfy the reverse mortgage. At that point she had no assets and we could get her on Medicaid to pay for a nursing home until she passed away. Every situation is unique however.
Appreciate the info. Guess I could have had the rough talk. Was extremely hard to even get her to
Agree to assisted living. Still thinks she will get back home so won’t sell house. Angry being there. So brother and I foot the bill. As for MIL, she 89 terrific shape. Her dad went to 96. I
Fully expect I’ll be in my seventies supporting her. I may have slammed article hard but my choices were drain my retirement savings and pay or have mom shrieking and crying in a Medicaid nursing home and mother in law sent to government housing on food stamps and Medicaid. Article doesn’t quite address this
I’m a warning to all doctors that it’s a high likelihood you will be paying for parents.
Guess my mom was shrieking if not crying in Medicaid accepting NH about understaffing issues. After a few weeks we blocked her phone calls after 10 pm. It helps that my spouse didn’t feel differently.
He on the other hand refused to go visit his mom her 2nd fall and bone fracture when she refused to move closer to us 3 years into her widowhood. I undermined him he feels by going instead, but he clamped down and forced her to move closer to us rather than him fly there monthly to join her at her multiplying Dr. appts as she wanted. Her friends may have thought we were horrid, she thought we should move away from our kids to her town. Yeah, I think she’s pretty selfish… At least my mom didn’t do that- in fact she moved to my town at my request several years ago (like more recently she figured if she died alone she died- why fuss so much?).
I respect you greatly. Guess I was soft. Mom still says she won’t forgive us,for putting her in the “prison” The 5,000 a month prison. Looks like a ritz Carlton.
The MIL constantly calls. Keeps having ortho surgery. Can,always find an,ortho who will operate no matter the age. 89 third joint replacement. So wife goes off for a month. Both moms draining us physically financially and psychologically. I am happy to have the moms around but it is extremely difficult. And I know I’m coming off here looking like,e a spoiled nasty little man.
I will tell my spouse your nightmare story next time he complains about his mother. Sympathy and empathy from Alabama. And I sort of dreaded following up on my disclosure here- was afraid some here would tell me I’m a monster as some people (eg your mom) might think me.
John,
I think your experience is very helpful, so thanks for sharing. If your parent or loved one can’t take care of themselves they might qualify for Medicaid.
Knowing what you know now, what do you recommend for others faced with a similar situation as yourself?
Very important, relevant topic discussed. I appreciate the author sharing his story and perspective. The only thing I would say is that his advice to make up for saying no by doing other acts of kindness instead, could be a problem unto itself. I could see this being interpreted by the recipient as you trying to assuage your guilt by overcompensating with these other acts—essentially sucking up to stay in their good graces. This would not be a great dynamic either, obviously. So I guess the bottom line is, as usual, communication is key. Be clear about why you’re doing these additional acts of kindness, and don’t let them think that in the future they will have leverage over you because of your current feelings of guilt.
I have had to assist parents and a brother with monetary gifts since about 1998. It is very stressful. It can feel like this is never going to end and their need for money is insatiable and escalating. In my case, the money was never ever paid back.
I paid the funeral expenses for my parents and a brother.
I would give anything to still have my parents and brother around even if that meant me being their retirement plan. I miss them and losing them only gets heavier and heavier as time goes on. Both my parents suffered greatly for several years before they died so I had relief for them initially when they passed.
My other brother is very ill now. I expect that he’ll be dead in a few years. I have given him about 75,000 for taxes, bills, and whatnot over the past 2 years. Illness is expensive and health insurance doesn’t cover everything. Since he is not retired, I was able to get him on SSDI. If he is alive in 2 years, he’ll be able to get medicare. He has a small estate and I expect that I’ll pay for his funeral too. He worked hard all his life, but never made much as a small business owner. Should I punish him because he never made much?
He did the best that he could at the time and this is my approach to him. Money is fungible, my brother is not. My family is shrinking and soon I’ll be down to 1 brother. Each death in my family just splinters relationships and time scatters people. I haven’t heard from my “SIL” in years. I think she may have married, and that may be why she has not kept in touch. The smart thing I did many years ago was plan for these events. I saw it coming and had it in my written financial plan.
I am thankful that my other brother is financially sound. He also has helped out my other brother, but I think he is done. He is angry at how my ill brother has handled his business and thinks that the ill brother can do more to make the business increase profit. The well brother doesn’t understand the effects of fatigue from illness.
I can cover what I can but not at the expense of my obligations. I have found that although I cannot give every cent that they need, a little helps. They also manage very well with it and they figure it out.
I have a cousin who sponged off her parents all her life. When they died, the money dried up. She figured it out. She got a job, bought land and put a trailer on it and is figuring it out.
I feel for Robert R. in the comments, as he now struggles with this issue during retirement. This should be a lesson for all high-income earners as they begin their careers. Your future family responsibilities must be considered when mapping out your financial plan, especially if you come from humble beginnings (or marry them).
Fortunately or unfortunately, I knew early on that I would end up taking care of my mother and worked it into my financial planning. I did so until she died, and I am now helping my mother-in-law. I don’t look at this as a burden. It is simply a responsibility that I accepted and planned for. I am happy and grateful that I am in a position to help.
I’m not suggesting that this is easy for anyone. But there are many, many people in this country and around the world who are supporting aging parents and other family members on much less than an American doctor’s income. To all the young physicians out there, take a good look at your family’s health, wealth, and dynamics, and try to predict how much will fall on your shoulders in the future. Plan, save, and invest accordingly.
It’s tough being in the sandwich situation where you’re supporting elderly parents AND adult kids. Boundaries do become critical. It’s easiest to help from a position of strength and one great reason to get your financial ducks in a row early on. Like many other posters, I look at $500 a month and say “No problem” but that’s not the case if you retired on barely enough for just you.
A related challenge is when it’s your in laws asking for money. We both have professional jobs, and on paper and by appearance, they might conclude we have a surplus to give out every time they ask, but we don’t. Spouse regularly sends money to both parents (divorced) and a sibling. Handouts go beyond covering basic living expenses. In one case, the sibling posted pictures on social media of a beach vacation the same day they asked for money to fix their car. The handouts come out of my spouse’s retirement savings and in the past, our kids’ college savings, to the point where I now control the 529 plans. I don’t know if my spouse can ever retire with anything other than social security. I am resentful. It is a strain on our marriage.
That sounds even more worrisome than Robert’s situation. You guys have almost surely got to get on the same page financially for the marriage to survive or at least be good for both of you. I can’t imagine Katie or I doing something like that without being in agreement on it.
By the way, as a matter of proper grammar and respect for other people, one shouldn’t ever refer to their parents when in front of others without a possessive pronoun, for example, “MY mom” or “MY dad”. I don’t know if other people feel this way, but it’s incredibly annoying, beyond presumptive, and egotistical. If you are in the presence of other people, who are not the sons or daughters of that person, you are saying something that is ridiculous. Stop doing it. I have noticed this quite a bit over the years, and a cousin still does it, and obviously it annoys me. It must have caught on in the egocentric world, specifically the USA/western (english speaking) world. Bizarre.