By Alaina Trivax, WCI Columnist
Recently, someone actually asked me, “When are you going to buy your doctor's mansion?” I was pretty taken aback by the inquiry. I thought asking about personal finances (and someone’s home-buying ability!) was like commenting about age or weight—something generally considered taboo.
My husband, Brandon, a private practice PM&R physician, and I are nearly three years into the post-training life. We live with our two young boys and dog in southeast Michigan, and I teach at a local middle school. Let’s be honest: teachers are not typically asked when we can afford to buy ourselves a mansion. My husband and I are pretty on top of our finances—we stick to a budget each month, and we are working to pay down his medical school loans. Almost a year ago now, we finally reached a positive net worth, a big deal considering our initial $330,000+ student loan balance. Even with our debt payoff goals, we’re slowly settling into our increased household income and are starting to feel more comfortable spending money on the fun stuff.
And as that happens, we are finding ourselves increasingly aware of the differences between our financial situation and that of our friends and family. Even if we don’t talk about it, differences in finances absolutely play a role in our relationships.
It’s hard to figure out where to even start with this topic of financial expectations and differences. Navigating this with the people we love is tough. It’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. And honestly, I’m a bit hesitant to write about this at all—it is difficult to discuss without diving into the territory of what might be considered “rich people” problems.
I don’t have the answers, that’s for sure. So, instead of telling you how to balance these kinds of financial situations in your life, I’d like to explore the sticking points the two of us have been trying to navigate.
Our Financial Baggage
For better or for worse, my early experiences with money influenced how I approach our family’s finances now. I was raised in a low-income, single-parent household, and I understood the value of money from a young age. Growing up in rural, central Michigan, my first job was milking cows on a local dairy farm at 5am every weekend morning. The hours weren’t great for a teenager and it was pretty gross at times, but the pay (at $15 per hour or about $22 per hour in 2023 dollars) was better than any of the other jobs available to me. I was expected to contribute to my expenses—clothing, sports fees, field trips—and that job made it possible. I understand financial insecurity and know what it’s like when every dollar needs to be spent mindfully.
Even today, I’m overly aware of our expenses. Without much thinking, I can tell you which store has the best prices on produce and what coupon to wait for before buying our boys’ new clothes. I’m always mindful of costs when going out—can we hit happy hour to save a few bucks? When planning a trip, I automatically look for the cheapest flight and hotel, and I have to be reminded to consider timing, location, and other factors, too.
In contrast, my husband grew up solidly middle to upper-middle class. He was almost 32 years old and starting his PGY-5 fellowship year when he first experienced what it’s like to not have enough money to pay the bills. We were newly married and he was completing an out-of-state fellowship, while I continued living in our primary home. It was a tough year.
Neither of us feels too much pressure to “keep up with the Joneses,” but we certainly are still trying to balance our wants and our needs. We enjoy going out to dinner. We like a bit of rotation in our wardrobes. We also need to keep our household running.
I am the primary spender in our household, responsible for our family’s day-to-day money management. Whether it's setting a budget for holiday shopping or a new car, determining how much to spend on a new vacuum or on activities for our kids, or ordering groceries or takeout, that’s on me. Lately, we’ve been trying to factor quality and longevity into the purchase price of whatever we’re shopping for. This comes more naturally for Brandon; for me, a lifetime member of the Frugality Club, this has been tougher. We have much more financial flexibility than I grew up with, and still, I constantly struggle with feeling comfortable spending money. All of this also contributes to how we are navigating the role that finances play in our relationships with family and friends.
I think there are two factors at play here: 1) Our income has grown and our finances are more flexible. We can spend more on the things that we want and need. 2) Our friends and family have their own idea of our financial situation, and their assumptions don’t always match our reality. Instead, they’re thinking, “Come on, you’re a doctor! You can afford it.”
More information here:
10 Ways That Even Physicians Can Save Money on Groceries
Accepting Hand-Me-Downs and Gifts
One of my co-workers, a fellow teacher, has been incredibly generous with sharing clothes and toys that her boys have outgrown. She’s passed on some big-ticket items that could have had significant resale value along with things like unused boxes of pull-ups from her kids’ potty training days. I’ve offered to pay a few times, but she’s always refused, saying that she’s just glad the toys and clothes have found a new home. But as our income has increased, I’ve started to feel a little weird about taking it all. Is it OK to accept these items when we could technically afford to purchase them new? She could sell them and perhaps recoup some of the cost, or the clothes and toys could be donated to a local resale shop and sold to a family who can’t necessarily afford them. I’ve gotten a bit in my head about it and wonder if I’m in the wrong here.
In some ways, I feel similarly about birthday and holiday gifts. We’re not super rich by any means, but we can afford what we need and much of what we want. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach to imagine our friends or family stretching their budget to afford a gift for us or our kids. I’ve been in the position of having to hand-make holiday gifts to save some money; I have overspent my budget to join in on a friend’s birthday dinner. I would hate to be the cause of this kind of financial stress for any of my loved ones. But I know gift-giving is a whole love language for some people, so I wonder: am I just overthinking this?
Giving Gifts
I’ve also passed along some of our baby stuff to a friend as she prepared to welcome her first child. I’m happy to just give her the items for free, but she’s continued to offer to pay for the items—even looking up how much the specific bassinet was going for on Facebook Marketplace and suggesting that as a price. I’m just beyond thrilled to be getting this stuff out of my house; with two adults, two kids, and a dog, we need every inch of space. It’s doubly exciting that I can see her baby use and love all this stuff, too. Still, I’m unsure how much I can pass along for free without making her uncomfortable. Do we need to have a more formal conversation about this?
Last Christmas, we also struggled with family expectations of a gift beyond what would comfortably fit into our budget. My husband’s siblings decided they wanted to get a new rowing machine for his mom and dad. The equipment was going to cost about $1,800, coming to a bill of $600 each when divided between the three families. This went way beyond the standard norm of gift-giving in his family; we’re usually pretty generous with each other, but gifts usually cap out at around $150-$200.
Even more than the cost, the timing was tight—this gift was being planned in early December with a purchase date of “I’ll order it as soon as you Venmo me the cash.” We had to initiate a pretty uncomfortable conversation with my husband’s siblings about our financial restrictions. They, of course, had the same childhood financial experiences as he did, and they all seem to be living pretty comfortably now. We still ended up going in on the present, but gift-giving occasions have been pretty awkward since then. Right now, we’re not OK with stretching our budget to meet others’ expectations. Are these gift-giving occasions just going to be uncomfortable forever? How do we navigate this?
Going Out
In our household of two working parents with two small kids, we don’t get out much. When we do, we’re often trying to make an occasion out of it—getting a little dressed up and visiting a fancy-ish new place. That’s fine when it’s just the two of us. We’ve found things a little more difficult, though, when navigating this with other couples. My experiences growing up and in my early 20s make me especially concerned about the financial constraints someone else might be experiencing. I’ve had times when dining out at certain places—or just dining out at all—wouldn’t fit into my budget. I never want to make my friends feel that kind of discomfort. The standard internet advice for navigating this issue seems to be to ask the other party to suggest an activity or a place to eat, with the assumption that they’ll choose a place that fits their own budget. Is that enough?
I wonder, too: when do we just cover the bill? A child-free friend of mine accompanies my boys and me on kid-centric adventures all the time. If I’ve invited her to help me corral my kiddos, I don’t think she should have to pay. She surely would not go to the children’s museum otherwise; I don’t have it in me to take my boys on my own. I’ve been pretty firm about this, even when she’s insisted that she doesn’t mind paying. Is that the right line? Am I overthinking this, too?
More information here:
Privilege, Power, and Kindness
What Do You Do?
As I said initially, I don’t have this figured out. My early experiences with money have ensured that I’ll always be acutely aware of our finances. While I hope never to forget what it’s like to have a limited budget, I also want to navigate our new financial situation with grace. How have you navigated these situations with your friends and family? I would love to hear about your experiences, and maybe, we can troubleshoot this together.
Has your increased salary changed your relationship with friends and family? Do others have an unrealistic expectation of what you can actually afford? What have you done in all of the above situations? Comment below!
Great topic! I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Another question is when you go on a vacation with another family, how do you split the costs?
We went to Disney with my sister and brother in law and her kids last year and it seemed like they expected us to pay for all the meals just because they planned the trip. It felt like they were taking advantage of us. They are very financially well off. Sorry to say it but usually the friends we go out with and have done trips with are more fair about things like this.
Really? Pay for all the food at Disney which can be hundreds of dollars per meal just for planning the trip. Maybe if they paid for the rooms and accommodations it would be reasonable, but otherwise no way.
Oh, that’s tough! I can see that really ruining an otherwise nice trip… I wonder if setting a plan for events and who is paying in advance would help? Or, just setting the expectation that everything will be divided between families? It’s hard, especially if you’re taking the lead in planning the trip.
I’ve used an app called Splitwise to share expenses for group events in the past. Person A pays for an Uber to dinner–they enter the cost into the app. Person B pays for the dinner–they put it in the app. Person C had already bought the concert tickets–into the app it goes. Person D buys snacks at the show–that goes in too. At the end of the event, there’s a “settle up” option, and costs are divided between everyone. It can get more detailed–splitting a dinner bill between only certain people out of the whole group or settling up multiple times–too. In my experience, having a neutral program to blame helps to take some of the emotion out of it: “Oh, hey. Splitwise says you still owe me for dinner from our trip.” That might be worth a try, too.
Oh, that’s tough! I can see that really ruining an otherwise nice trip… I wonder if setting a plan for events and who is paying in advance would help? Or, just setting the expectation that everything will be divided between families? It’s hard, especially if you’re taking the lead in planning the trip.
I’ve used an app called Splitwise to share expenses for group events in the past. Person A pays for an Uber to dinner–they enter the cost into the app. Person B pays for the dinner B–they put it in the app. Person C had already bought the concert tickets–into the app it goes. Person D buys snacks at the show–that goes in too. At the end of the event, there’s a “settle up” option, and costs are divided between everyone. It can get more detailed–splitting a dinner bill between only certain people out of the whole group or settling up multiple times–too. In my experience, having a neutral program to blame helps to take some of the emotion out of it: “Oh, hey. Splitwise says you still owe me for dinner from our trip.” That might be worth a try, too.
Alaina, I love that you broached this topic. We have navigated these same challenges for many years as a 2 physician family. What I read in your post is wonderful sensitivity and humility toward these this dilemma and I believe that is where the strategy lies. I generally start with exploring my feelings about the issue first and sometimes I find guilt and embarrassment about the blessings I have worked hard to earn. Yet, I don’t want to flaunt what I have or ever make anyone feel uncomfortable. Personally, I tend to err on the side of being generous. When I have received hand me downs I have baked cookies and sent a genuine thank you note. Tough conversations for splitting costs need handling up front in order to set expectations. Trying to figure out each family’s expectations after the fact creates unrest (we literally just experienced this on vacation last week when we forgot to discuss expectations with a family member- yikes, still practicing this technique!) The bottom-line is define your strategy, stick to it, proactively navigate each situation, communicate expectations clearly and invite the other party to share their expectations too. And, in the end practice self-compassion to mitigate any guilt.
I am glad to hear that this approach resonates with you. Conversations about money can be sensitive and uncomfortable–but you’re right, proactive communication can make such a difference. How were things resolved on your recent vacation?
Agree with others that this is a great article and topics of discussion. I’ve only been out of FM residency a few years and still am living the life of a frugal student just as I grew up in low income home, my brain still is hardwired to not spend irrationally. Sure some of my friends might argue that bc I am single and have no kids, I should spend more now that I’m a doctor but I am responsible for an aging parents, home costs, and actually paid my sibling’s professional school tuition so all that I saved so carefully in my years of training is actually gone, and now sibling is wanting me to pitch in money to build an ADU in our home so that sib and future partner can live in it so as to not be far from both parents (but home building costs will be just me and sib). Am k supposed to suck this up and accept this as money invested into a home property I own half of but ADU that don’t get to live in? It’s certainly an uncomfortable money talk with siblings.
Similarly – I just went on my first international trip with a few friends last year and ended up using Splitwise as well and it worked out well for splitting up costs but there were still some uncomfortable situations where some people clearly wanted fancier hotels and I didn’t care for 5 stars and am ok with 4; I’m glad I spoke up about my budget lines for that and we were able to compromise a bit. There were other situations like eating together here in US and abroad where things feel uneven like friends ordering much more expensive dishes, or ones with a much larger appetite than others and tend to order more and we’re just “splitting it even” making it feel unfair. I’m not a big eater so every time others and I go for food, there’s none conscientious enough of this uneven splitting (my family grew up poor and we had always made it a point of paying our fair share). Not sure how others navigate these issues…
Hi Alaina, Thank you for taking time to craft this article. I think perhaps you’re on the right track, and asking the right questions, as you wrote you wish to “navigate our new financial situation with grace.” Grace-based thinking and decision making is actually important in all areas of life. I am curious about the source of your comment about grace. We’ve benefited from the teaching of several organizations, and at least one radio program on finances. A few of them are Compass (website – https://compass1.org), Sound Mind Investing (website – https://soundmindinvesting.com), Kingdom Advisors (website – https://kingdomadvisors.com), and Faith and Finance Live (website – https://www.faithfi.com). Financial Planning and Investment Firm, Ron Blue Trust, has also been very helpful. Their website is – https://www.ronblue.com. You are on it! Thanks for serving others, in your family and as a teacher at school. All the best to you!
Thanks for the feedback! As far as navigating things with “grace,” I suppose I mean being considerate of others in how we are using our money. We’re not necessarily grounding our decisions in a faith-based philosophy–but do want to be exercising kindness and courtesy in what we’re doing. I’ll check out those recommendations, too.
Alaina, I love that you are sensitive to the effect of different incomes on friends and family as your financial circumstances improve. I am a 70 year old retired physician. I grew up in a household that had enough but not a lot of extra. We had great times growing up. Now my husband and I are financially secure and able to to travel, go out to eat, and buy gifts without any stress. My siblings have never been in the same situation – one is a farmer, one a bookkeeper, and one had a small sales company that made a modest income. Over the years we have learned to be respectful of each other. My husband and I are careful not to talk a lot about our travels and other spending when visiting. Most of our conversation centers around kids and grandkids, what’s going on in their lives. They all live in another state. If they come to visit, we cover all the costs while they are here. When we go there, they feed us wonderful meals. Another sticky spot has occurred when my parents or siblings had financial emergencies – only a few over the years. We wanted to help yet not upset the family dynamics. Our approach has evolved to help the emergency by giving what money we thought we could afford. Loans don’t work out so well – hard to lean on someone you love for payments. The love between all the siblings has remained strong through the years!
Loans to family should be counted as gifts from the start- then they’re less likely to avoid you when they don’t pay it back. That said once again going to loan my bro money- sister never paid me back but 20 years back he borrowed twice as much and paid it back ASAP. Hope I’m not making a mistake.
I know a lot of poor student/ unemployed types so I have often invited them to a meal planning on paying. Takes care of whether I chose a place cheap enough for them and lets me eat where I want mostly. (I’ll flex to their preference if I don’t know I hate the place.) Admittedly I don’t always assure them I’m paying before we order if I am uncertain if they’ll abuse that or if some menu items are more than I’d get.
Now one of them is a professor we oughtta switch up the dynamic with him next time we visit his town. Most of our meals out are with kid and SIL and they often insist on paying to repay us for baby care.
My family of origin of course thinks I’m rich, and when I visit I plan to pay for most meals out since they’d like to feed me at home anyway (great cooks, but I had so few decent restaurants in my last town I want 2 restaurant meals a day when I’m in the city). Funnily enough recent visit sister has a new beau- farm boy now a banker, and like most men not a hardcore feminist- and I think he was kind of offended that I grabbed the check.
Once in a while I’d think I might oughtta help out a sister with (reported by my parents not them) mortgage or job woes etc. but then I recall their social media about trips and partying, and we are so frugal/ boring/ tired we haven’t done even half as much so I decide they are doing just fine without my help. I decided 20 years ago the 2 (only ones) relatives making snide comments about rich people have made their own choices and I deserve what I have and needn’t feel any guilt about it. And prefer to help truly needy or my kids over envious relatives. (And ignoring them has extinguished the behavior on one hand and the relationship on the other.)
My dad, a mathematician, is a mess financially. My bro and I used to make budgets and review stuff for him, but we finally gave up and bro and I pinky promised not to give Dad money. Also think my step-sisters can care for their mom when they run out of money, as my dad spent a lot more money on them than he did on his earlier family. I’ll always offer them a room in my house, just not cash.
That said when I toured Ireland with Dad step-mom and step-sis I felt it was all divided fairly- despite me renting the car and using my USAA ATM card for all our cash to spare them usurious foreign exchange fees, they repaid me all I asked for. I think they felt guilty since I had to do all the driving as the only one with 4 years of left sided (left stick shift as well) driving under my belt. (But I had forgotten about all those narrow lanes with no visibility, and thank goodness the car rental clerk talked me out of getting a manual!! But it was pretty humorous that he thought an Audi sedan would be way more powerful than I was used to after my pickup trucks and spouse’s sports cars fetish.)
Great post!
We are a 2 physician family and most of our friends are long time friends we are very close with.
For family, we pick up the tab often. If people come with us and corral our 3 kids, I don’t feel bad insisting on taking care of food and costs for them. For dinners with friends, we usually all pay separate and if it’s someone’s bday I usually pick up their tab on the sly. Our friends knew me when I was a very poor medical student and picked up my tab often so I don’t mind insisting on paying for some things.
For vacations (we rent places several times a year for multi family get a aways), I will usually rent the place and my friends/family provide the food. I don’t normally book crazy expensive places, sometimes just adjoining hotel rooms or a VRBO/airbnb and the timing is usually a long weekend. The ones who can afford to chip in do, and I never count up who chipped in what.
I grew up very budget conscious and my hubby had a lot more disposable income. I’ve learned to relax and it’s been good for me.
Ha, yes–if anyone wants to help corral my kiddos at dinner time, the meal is on me!!
Great post. My favorite line was this: “We like a bit of rotation in our wardrobes.” Is this a coy way of saying you like to shop for new clothes? LOL. I’ve never heard it before. I don’t have the clothes problem as I still wear t-shirts that are 30 years old. But one thing I ran in to recently that goes well with this post. My kids are having fundraisers for various activities now. I am about 10 years ahead of you all and thankfully have worked my butt off and been very successful with my medical practice and investments. This is great most of the time as I don’t have to budget much anymore.
However, trying to ask your friends, family and neighbors to donate to your kids baseball fundraiser (insert whatever fundraiser) gets pretty awkward when everyone thinks that you have a high net worth and perceives you as far more “rich” than them. So for any fundraisers now, I pretty much just end up donating a bunch of money myself so my kid doesn’t end up with no donations. You will probably undrestand this one a little better in a few years. Kudos to your dedication on living frugally and coming out the other end. When I reached a net worth of zero it was a big day!
Haha, yes, I like to do a little clothes shopping!
Petitioning for donations to your kids’ fundraisers definitely sounds awkward. I can imagine taking the same approach and just making the contribution myself.
“I wonder: am I just overthinking this?“ No. And, in fact, this is probably the best non-Dahle authored blog post on WCI.
Anyone who starts to build wealth- and I’ve seen it with doctors, lawyers, and entrepreneurs- runs into this problem.
My advice is this:
– Don’t flaunt your wealth. Buy the cheapest car that works for your family. Don’t post on social media that you flew first class to Europe. In fact, don’t post anything on social media.
-don’t have a license plate that says “ORTHOPOD” or “MD MBA”. I have personally seen the later parked at John Muir Hospital in Walnut Creek, CA. Bruh.
– If someone mentions “doctor wealth,” reply with “medical school debt.”
-Don’t tell people how much you make. EVER.
– Don’t patronize people; sure, cover the tab for a student, but split the check with people who have jobs. If you feel bad about it, do cheaper stuff with them.
– Remember where you came from. Beyond a certain point- wealth and success is really just luck. I know plenty of smart, hard working engineers who make $150k a year raising a family in the SF Bay Area. Even your brains and worth ethic are really just gifts from God- they aren’t yours.
– Just pay the $600. You write an article about being higher income than everyone around you, “We like a bit of rotation in our wardrobes,” and yet you freak out over giving your parents a $600 gift? I got flamed by everyone for suggesting a husband complaining that his wife spending too much on junk at Walmart wasn’t “abuse,” and WCI responded that it was “impossible” to spend too much at Walmart on doctor’s salary. Just send the Venmo.
-If you have to show off, don’t buy a Rolex- but a Grand Seiko or an AP Royal Oak. My ex-girlfriend thought my Omega Speedmaster caliber 861 was a “cheap watch.” I laughed and said “ya.”
-If you give, give anonymously. It feels good to bid big at the charity auction, but that’s the sin of pride.
-Remember real wealth is your family. Hug your kids everyday.
-DO NOT LOAN PEOPLE MONEY. Either give it as a gift, or better yet- just don’t. If you give a mouse a cookie…
-Seriously- just STFU about your wealth. Nothing good will ever come from it. Think of the gift of poverty- less temptation. When I was broke- no married woman expressed interest in having an affair with me. It wasn’t till I built wealth that I realized what Jesus meant about the “eye of the needle.”
-Don’t get divorced. I know WCI loves divorce, but don’t.
-Don’t make stupid investments. Rich people often balk at spending too much, but I see people make stupid investments all the time. It physically makes me ill to spend $500 at Safeway. But investing $50k in a RE syndication in Naples, FL; or Credit Suisse debt? Hey- scared money don’t make no money, right? Everyone’s a genius when true Fed ran QE infinity and kept interest rates at zero for a decade. Get ready for the VIX to go to 300.
-All I know is- I was upstairs listening to my Will Smith CD. Then I see these flames going everywhere.
Loves divorce? Really? Just because I don’t think somebody should be forced to stay married to somebody abusing them now I “ove divorce.” Give me a break. Keep trolling me and you won’t be leaving any comments on here in the future.
Ok- if I replace the word “loves” with “supports”, would that make you feel better? I know a have a heterodox opinion on this matter. Why can’t you be tolerant of my views? Believing there aren’t two sides to every divorce and that getting upset your wife spent too much money at Walmart constitutes abuse is SIMP behavior. Modern divorce would not be possible without big daddy government, no-fault divorce, and the sad anti-family culture that exists today.
Can you even attempt to understand where I’m coming from?
Try not to spread your beef about one issue onto every blog post on the site. As far as you and I, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree and move on.
Hi Alaina,
Thanks for sharing your post and context around your financial situation. My wife and I come from a similar situation except I’m the one who came from a low-income family and now, we’re better off than all of our friends because we’ve been fortunate enough to retire at the age of 38. As you can imagine, retiring early has definitely exposed us to the social judging of our wealth and has made it extremely difficult even with family, to talk about. I don’t know if it ultimately stops being awkward, but I can tell you that we’ve taken steps to manage these interactions and deflect the conversation when it comes to our wealth.
With regards to your specific scenarios that you’ve outlined above, here are my thoughts which I hope are helpful:
Accepting hand-me downs and gifts: It’s great that your co-worker is incredibly generous. I think this is a sensitive area. My wife and I accepted gifts in the past from friends and when we knew they were premium products, we would try to return the favor at their kids’ next birthday, but we would limit accepting fits afterwards. Instead, we might come up with a reason to politely decline and suggest something like that our kid has their eye on the latest XYZ and he or she’s not going to wear it and therefore, we wouldn’t want it to go to waste.
Giving gifts: If you don’t agree on the budget upfront within the group, it’s always going to be awkward. I’ve found it best to try to stay within your budget otherwise, not participate at all in a group gift.
Going out: It’s always difficult to go out with friends that are not within a similar financial status as you. My wife and I have tailored our approach based on who we’re hanging out with. If it’s with friends that are less financially well-off as us, we try our best to accommodate via picking restaurants in what we think they can afford or we ask them to pick the restaurant. When dining out with those that are more similar to our financial situation, we’re more flexible.
Hope this helps you and have a great week!
Great post Alaina! something that I actually do is, and it might sound like I’m an alcoholic, I take repayment in beer! Some of the families that are not as financially blessed as me and my wife as a dual doc couple we always usually insist on paying for dinner. As the bill comes, I give back my friend’s credit card and say “I got this just pay me back and beer.” I will make it a point then to hang out later at their house and yes, drink some of his beer. I think this works out well because me and my wife can afford to cover the cost of the expensive bill as well as now There’s another reason to hang out with my buddy, and of course, drink his beer.
But in case people reading this are not alcoholics like me you can always ask your friends to pay you back in something that is a cheaper version or something they can afford, whether they will cook dinner next time at their house, watch the kids, or watch a game at their house. Seems to have worked out well for me and my wife.
My approach is generally to let the less well-off friend(s) pick the restaurant / vacation / whatever. I sometimes offer a few options, but I always put a cheap one in there in case that’s what they’re looking for.
A friend who wants you to pay for much / everything because you have more money than them is not a good friend.
Appreciate the post. I like to learn what others do.
For comparison, spouse and I both grew up with modest means and are blessed with families who do not expect gifts or subsidies. We’ve discreetly helped out a few family members with modest financial gifts and have extended offers (such as covering expenses in a trip together) to hard-working siblings in a tough spot who have turned us down. We seldom eat out with friends, and usually eat at each other’s homes. Recently we loaned money to a sibling with unexpected health expenses and they are paying us back every month. No loans made otherwise. It was very difficult for the sibling to ask. It was a very small amount of money for us, in terms of income, but huge for them.
I enjoy taking the siblings and their families out to eat and covering the meal (booze on their own) as they all live out of town and we seldom get to host them in our home. We give a generous cash gift for marriages and other life events to nieces and nephews.
We live modestly, more so than some of our siblings and friends, following a stealth wealth approach. This approach has worked well and limited difficult conversation about expenses.