By Alaina Trivax, WCI ColumnistThis past holiday season was the first year that my 3 ½-year-old son really understood the idea of Santa. It was so, so special. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, he kept telling me, “Mommy, I love Santa” and “Santa is coming to our house soon!” My younger son is almost 2, and even he was so excited to see our elf and his latest shenanigans each morning.
Brandon, my husband, is an early-career PM&R physician, and I work as a middle school teacher. Our kids are little, so we’ve only been in this parenting game for a few years. With each birthday and holiday, though, we find ourselves thinking about how to navigate gift-gifting with our kids while also fostering in them a sense of appreciation for just how fortunate they are.
Last year, for our older son’s birthday, we somehow found ourselves buying him an iPad as a gift. We were upgrading my cell phone, and it was a good deal to add an iPad to the package. If you’ve read many of my other columns, you’re probably shocked that I could be suckered into this kind of impulse buy. Frankly, it was more of an “iPad for Mommy to hand the toddler so she can nurse the baby while we’re out and about,” but that’s not exactly a distinction he can make. Even though we try to be conscientious about the gifts we give our kids, we still ended up with a preschooler who has his own iPad.
What a life he lives! As both of our boys grow, we hope to help them develop a sense of appreciation for all that they have and a sense of gratitude for how fortunate they are. We’ve approached this in a few simple ways so far and especially kept this goal in mind over the recent Christmas season.
How to Teach Gratitude to Your Kids
#1 Prioritize Memories and Experiences
We are fortunate to have the ability to provide our kids with everything they need. The basics, like food and shelter, are covered, and we don’t ever take that for granted. Beyond that, our kiddos live a really good life. They’ve got learning toys and fun toys—the magnetic tiles, the play kitchen, the train set. All of it. Just a few years ago, we even had a baby toy subscription service delivering developmentally appropriate toys every few months. It was incredible—the toys are long-lasting and interesting—and our kids still play with quite a few of the toys from those kits (even though something about the concept of a “toy subscription” might not align with our general efforts to minimize frivolous spending!).
When birthdays and holidays come around, we find ourselves torn. There’s always a new kid toy out there, and I’m sure our boys would play with it. But do they need more stuff? For these gift-giving occasions, we are trying to prioritize things that will grow with our kids and build memories. As a birthday gift last year, we got our 3-year-old a $40 excavator toy for the giant sandbox at his grandma’s house; he and his brother will have hours of fun on this over the years.
For Christmas, we leaned on a cute rhyme I learned from some mom friends, and we gave the boys something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. Instead of going all-in on piles of holiday gifts, we spent the money on a family trip to Mexico in February. We’re excited to start traveling with our boys, and we know those memories will be more treasured than a new Hot Wheels set.
Our kids are lucky to have a big extended family that’s looking forward to spoiling them with gifts, too. The aunts, uncles, and grandparents enjoy watching our boys open presents and play, and we love that for everyone. So, not to worry—they’ll have plenty of new toys! And ultimately, we want our kids to know that it’s not about the cost or the size of a gift. They are loved and well cared for, and that’s what matters.
More information here:
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How I Teach My Kids About Money
Age-Appropriate Money Conversations: Teaching Kids Financial Literacy
#2 Saving for Their Futures
Any cash our kids receive for Christmas goes straight to their 529 accounts. They are fortunate to be given money from some extended family members and grandparents. Honestly, it’s these holiday contributions that have largely funded their college savings accounts so far, as we’re prioritizing paying down Brandon’s med school loans before we start aggressively saving for our kids’ educations.
For Christmas in 2023, we did match what we spent on their gifts as a 529 contribution—this added a few hundred dollars to each of their accounts. This kind of “doubles” their Christmas present, but I set up the holiday budget with that plan in mind.
We wrapped this up as a little gift certificate along with a book for each of them. Our boys are so young, and we haven’t really talked with them about their college savings accounts. We just framed it as “money for you to use for learning when you’re older.” We want to start building the tradition of 529 contributions as gifts, and this was an age-appropriate way to start those conversations. Given that so much of the money is coming from extended family right now, we especially want them to understand and appreciate the gift they’ve been given—at least, as much as possible at their age.
#3 Participate in Giving to Others
As our kids grow and more clearly express their desires, we’re trying to help them understand that just because they want something does not mean they need it or that they’ll get it. Giving to others is one way we hope to help them develop some appreciation for all that they do have.
We usually participate in a holiday adopt-a-family initiative, but in recent years, we’ve been so busy with two little ones that I’ve looked for programs with direct delivery options and then just sent the items straight to the organization coordinating the gift drive. My kids were too young to participate in previous years, but even so, they had no idea about our family’s contributions.
Our kids’ schools participate in a holiday gift drive, collecting toys, winter gear, and more on behalf of a local community organization, and this year, the boys were just old enough to pick out gifts to donate. They each selected toys that they would love to get as gifts—Lego sets and toy cars—and that’s perfect. It was an easy and meaningful way for two little kids to participate in giving to others.
Last summer, we followed up my older son’s birthday by supporting a local nonprofit agency that distributes “birthday parties in a bag” to local foster families. These kits include themed party supplies and ingredients for a birthday cake, so we took a trip to Target and Party City to put together some kits to donate. Each of the boys chose a theme for their bag—Paw Patrol and “sports.” They picked out plates and napkins to match and filled the bag with decorations and party favors. Our younger son’s birthday is a couple months away, and I plan to make this a tradition.
At their ages, the boys didn’t completely understand the process of a holiday toy drive or the birthday bag donations. Both gave us plenty of opportunities to talk about our family’s values, and they’ll understand more as they grow. In coming years, we can involve them in charitable donation conversations and direct service, but for now, these were a good way to start the habit of giving to others.
More information here:
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As They Grow
These conversations and goals will continue to evolve as our kids grow. Neither Brandon nor I grew up with much intentional instruction about money. In my case, I knew that money was limited. I learned to consider the price and value of an item before purchasing it—and that you should almost always go with the cheapest option.
Brandon grew up with little concern about scarcity and cost but also with little education about managing money or paying off debt. He’s wondered before if he would have gone to medical school—and taken out all those student loans—if he had received more financial education as a kid, or if he’d have chosen a lower-paying career with an easier entry point.
We hope to raise our kids to appreciate the value of money and to understand all that they can do for themselves and others with it. Ultimately, we’re just out here doing our best to raise kids who will be kind to others and grateful for what they have.
How did you teach your kids about money and about how to be grateful for what they have? Were you taught the same things when you were a kid? How did those conversations (or lack thereof) impact you?
It may be time to teach gratitude to your parents. My mother lives in an assisted living facility and I visit her daily. She and I are regularly appalled at how some other residents speak to the staff, especially during meals in the dining room. The staff are kind, patient, quick and helpful. Yet rarely do some of those residents ever say please or thank you. Many are self-entitled, demanding and complaining. During meals, my mother sits with other residents, so she sees first-hand what goes on. Sometimes, it makes your jaw drop. You just can’t believe it.
I mean this in the gentlest way possible but it sounds insincere in a medical financial blog when you say your husband wonders if he should have not gone to medical school. He could’ve chosen a higher paying field or made any number of other choices. But even with PM&R I’m sure there is a wide range of pay depending on where you work and what you’re willing to do. A physicians income flow and stability still outweighs a lot of other things out there. That’s why there’s a WCI. Not a “Lawyer investor” etc. Even with a $500k debt, that’s still something possible to get out of with enough discipline. And then you have constant income flow after that, which a say $50k/yr earner wouldn’t. There’s also a caution that this mentality would potentially limit what your kids end up doing (ie thinking too small). Clearly your growing up poorer did not motivate you to choose a higher earning career. Just being honest.
There is a “lawyer investor” blog out there. Just not as well known.
I agree with both of your points on this topic though. There are ways to make more money than doctors make. But doctor pay is also a fairly stable, guaranteed high income pathway once you get into med school.
I would suggest you rethink where you direct cash presents from family members
that the kids receive on birthdays, etc. In my view, money like that really should
go into the child’s name, whereas a 529 is usually in the parent’s.
The kids are young, but my recommendation is a passport savings account for each
of them. Many banks offer these and as the kids get older, they love seeing the transactions
get printed in the book each time they go (plus the interest). And as they get
to their tween years, they love seeing that they have their own money that they
can add to from part-time jobs, etc.
All the best –
I agree- gift money should be theirs for whatever; given that their parents will no doubt be well able and intending to fund their college education- in their 529s it just becomes money the parents will save in the future, certainly not the intent of the gift giver. Maybe use it for some part of the ‘something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read’ or help them to ‘personally’ give to charity by using part of it for your Xmas and birthday donating.
That said, with the in-law side of our grandkids’ family (as well as the new parents) filling their home with awesome toys our first holiday gift was to the parents for the 529! However this family won’t have doctor income, and our holiday gift to our daughter and SIL was enough money to get a new Mom van instead of a used one. We should consider starting our own 529 for the grandkids for us to be able to transfer it to their cousins etc. if they end up not needing it.
We did this with our kids’ monetary gifts when they were younger. They were able to spend some if there was something specific they wanted, but everything else went into their personal savings account. Anything they didn’t spend was matched by us. Then they got older and started spending it all for each birthday or Christmas. Recently my 15 y/o asked me how much his money was earning. I told him 0.02% interest. He was not happy. It’s now all in a UGMA with Vanguard and invested in VTI. Did the same with my 17 y/o, as well. So, we will see how much that money grows between now and when they are 21 and wish to buy a new car or some other large spend.
One year my daughter had a birthday party and asked her friends to bring donations for the local food pantry in lieu of gifts. I was so proud of her, and it was a good experience, but she never asked to repeat it.
I agree with the author. When I send money gifts to toddlers, I am happiest when parents tell me it is going to their 529s. I do address the checks to the parents and I intend to add a second (smaller) check addressed to the children when they get older.
Our boys are young and at that fun we-LIVE-to-open-presents age, so they’re mostly getting physical gifts. A
few extended family members give them a good chunk of money for holidays and birthdays specifically earmarked for their college savings accounts. We’ve actually tried talking my in-laws into opening up their own 529s for our boys and their other grandchildren, but they find it easier to just give us the cash and have us handle it.
I appreciate this perspective, though! I haven’t considered how we’d approach money gifts as they get a little older and the cash is given with less direction. Maybe we’ll do some sort of parent match or have them split it between charitable giving, savings, and fun money…
It’s always been most impactful in my experience to focus on giving, and serving, to teach gratitude. Whether it’s helping out at the community kitchen, cleaning up a park, or helping out special needs peers, showing kids how fortunate they are and how they can be part of the solution can really instill gratitude in them, especially how much their families do for them to give them a good life.
Thanks for putting yourself out there in our judgy culture.
I think teaching gratitude is a little different for each child. It’s impossible to “force” anyone to feel grateful, but kids learn a lot from observation and you can model gratitude and generosity in your daily life. It’s also a challenge that kids don’t know how good they have it because they’ve not experienced a different life.
When our kids get money gifts, we give them the option of keeping it in cash, putting it in the “bank of mom and dad” that pays 1% interest per month, or investing it in their UTMA. We do supervise their spending and don’t let them just buy anything they want, because they just can’t resist cheap plastics toys and cheap candy. Mostly I think this teaches them about the value of saving, letting their money work hard for them, and to distinguish wants v needs. But I don’t think they necessarily learn about gratitude or generosity or kindness from this. We’re working on those separately.
Spending- our kid would ask for the moon when we were buying. When she had her own money on the line she got a lot more circumspect especially with some prompting “you COULD get that bigger toy if you waited until next month with a few more allowances”. Of course that was small amounts all eventually spent on toys or snacks. Just saved us a lot of money to start the allowance instead of just let her choose one thing every shopping trip (overseas military, only shopped that type of store monthly). She also began saying “yeah it is a lot, you could get it for my birthday/ Xmas though!” We’d ask her her preference again closer to the gift giving event, usually no longer wanted.
Alaina great post! I think it is much harder for high income professionals like docs to teach gratitude, but keeping these points you mentioned can definitely help. You kind of mentioned in number 3 but do you think that our kids need to see how poor and destitute other people live when donating their time like in a soup kitchen or other activity? I remember growing up seeing the poor when volunteering at a local soup kitchen was pretty eye opening, and it’s only human nature to compare ourselves to other people. I remember the gratitude I felt that I did not have to leave like people when I was a young kid. do you think that just giving to others less fortunate and not actually seeing the how the less fortunate live teaches gratitude to the same extent?
Thank you! This is a tougher one for me, but maybe it shouldn’t be. As you point out, my kids could learn a lot from engaging in direct service—witnessing and learning about others’ life experiences and challenges. But, to me, it feels a little exploitative to take my kids to volunteer just for the sake of THEM learning something. Obviously, at 3.5 and 2, they’re a little young for this anyway, but I’m hoping that as they grow, we can find a few community organizations to build meaningful connections with–that we can support with our time and money.
Teaching gratitude to kids is essential for fostering empathy and happiness. It’s about more than just saying “thank you.” By modeling gratitude ourselves and encouraging them to notice and appreciate the little things, we’re helping them build a positive mindset that will benefit them throughout life.
I appreciate your article. I also have intentions of contributing a portion of Christmas/birthday cash to my boys’ 529s as they do not understand the value of money and savings yet. I think the most important aspect of this article is teaching kids giving to those in need, whether it’s monetary, time, or kindness. Letting them know there are innocent children that have little to nothing for their birthdays/Christmas. Taking them to shelters to see/volunteer opportunities. I started mine at my church’s food pantry. A great book on this subject is Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World.