Q.
I'm the first in my family to receive a significant education and my income is an order of magnitude higher than anyone else's in my family. I am very grateful to my parents for all they have done for me. However, I worry about their lack of financial acumen and resources. What can I do to make sure they're taken care of?
A.
Over the years I have received several requests for a post on this topic. I am afraid I will be writing almost entirely from a theoretical point of view. My wife and I are blessed in that both sets of parents are in a comfortable, if not excellent, financial position thanks to hard work, frugal living, pensions, and mostly good advice. Both of them have been told by their financial advisors to “fly first class, or your heirs will.” The situations of our grandparents, however, are more variable, ranging from one set who started an educational trust for their descendants to another who ended life qualifying for Medicaid long-term care assistance. In this post I will jot down some general thoughts on the topic, and then hope that commenters, especially those with personal experience, will fill in the gaps.
You (Probably) Don't Owe Your Parents Anything
The first point I want to make is that you probably don't have to do squat. It is unfair for a parent to bring a child into the world primarily to pay their bills and wipe their butt in their old age. This is all purely voluntary. If you love your parents and want to help them, then great. But most of the time they made their own bed through their own decisions, and now it is time to lie in it. You might make some improvements around the edges, but it's not your job to rescue them. Do you expect your kids to fund your retirement? Of course not. Psychologically healthy parents simply don't do that. It might be hard to watch your parents have a lifestyle that is much lower, socioeconomically speaking, than yours, but that's the way life is.
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Technically, what I just wrote is only true in 21 states. In the other 29, children actually do have some legal obligation to their parents. These states include AK, AR, CA, CT, DE, GA, IN, IA, KY, LA, MD, MA, MS, MN, NV, NH, NJ, NC, ND, OH, OR, PA, RI, SD, TN, UT, VT, VA, and WV. However, it is unclear to me how a state would force a resident of another state to provide care for their parent. So if your mom is abusive and you want nothing to do with her, move out of state.
Many of these “laws” are so poorly worded that they don't mean much. For example, here is Utah's:
17-14-2. Order in which relatives are liable.
Children shall first be called upon to support their parents, if they are of sufficient ability; if there are none of sufficient ability, the parents of such poor person shall be next called upon; if there are neither parents nor children, the brothers and sisters shall next be called upon; and if there are neither brothers nor sisters, the grandchildren of such poor person shall next be called upon, and then the grandparents.
I have no idea what that means or how a court is going to use that to force me to do anything. There is no definition of “support” or “sufficient ability” or “poor.”
Rhode Island's law is a lot more interesting:
(a) Any person, above the age of eighteen (18) years, who unreasonably neglects or refuses to provide for the support and maintenance of his or her parent, whether father or mother, residing in this state, when his or her parent through misfortune, and without fault of his or her own, is destitute of means of sustenance and unable by reason of old age, infirmity, or illness to support and maintain himself or herself, shall be punished by a fine not exceeding two hundred dollars ($200), or by imprisonment for not more than one year, or by both a fine and imprisonment.
(b) No neglect or refusal shall be deemed unreasonable as to a child who, during his or her minority, was not reasonably supported by the parent, if the parent was charged with the duty to do so, nor as to any child who, being one of two (2) or more children, has made proper and reasonable contribution toward the support of his or her destitute parent.
The fact that it is $200 or a year in prison probably gives you some idea of how long this law has been on the books without being updated (and presumably, how frequently it is actually enforced.) At any rate, if you're considering NOT helping your parents out, you might want to check into your state's law, just in case. The best way to look up your state is to put “WSJ 29-states-that-could-make-adult-children-pay-for-moms-care/” into a search engine, then find the statute for your state in the article and put that into a search engine. Your state's law will probably pop right up.
The author's dad at age 65, trying to stay out of the water in a very chilly Spry Canyon, Zion National Park
Enlist Your Siblings' Help
Whatever you do, try to be united with your siblings, whether they are in a similar financial position or not. Spread the load in some reasonable and fair way, bearing in mind the load includes money, time, and emotional work.
You Don't Have to Worry About Ruining Your Parents in Their Old Age
We often have a hesitation to assist our children. We don't want to give them Economic Outpatient Care lest we steal away their motivation to make it on their own. Well, don't worry about that with your parents. Any motivation (and ability) they may have had to work hard, live frugally, and plan well is long gone if it has come to the point where you are feeling obligated to lend a hand. That's not going to change.
Priorities: Self, Children, then Parents
When it comes to your financial and savings priorities, it is often recommended that you save for your retirement before you save for your childrens' college educations, and I think that's right. I would put both of those before any obligation to fund your parents' lifestyles. But once you have those priorities met, and you still have the means and desire to assist your parents, then by all means do so. Certainly I think it's a higher priority for most people than expensive vacations, automobiles, or consumer items.
Help Parents Navigate Governmental and Non-Governmental Programs
One of the hardest things for the elderly, especially the less-educated elderly, is to navigate all the rules and bureaucracy associated with Medicare, Medicaid, housing assistance programs, food stamps, Social Security, disability insurance, health insurance etc. Your assistance in doing so can be invaluable, plus it doesn't cost you anything but time. Keep in mind that your parents have paid for many of these benefits with their taxes. If they qualify for them, there is nothing wrong with claiming them even if they have a high-income urologist daughter. You can even pay for a consultation with an attorney specializing in this sort of thing. I'm not saying that you should encourage fraud, but do make sure your parents get what they are entitled to. If your parents are immigrants, or in another country, they may not qualify for these US-based programs, but look into what they do qualify for and help them get through the process. It can take a ridiculous amount of effort, intelligence, and persistence to get many of these “entitlements,” for better or for worse.
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Be Careful Not to Offend
Many parents may feel they're doing just fine and don't need your help. They certainly don't want cash from you. In those situations, it might be best if you tiptoe around the edges a bit. For example, you can gift them lawn care or housekeeping services for Christmas. Or you can include them (and pay for their airfare and room) on a family cruise. Or you can pay for a “one-time” car repair. There are lots of gift-giving occasions throughout the year. Take advantage. (Happy Valentine's Day Mom! Here's a $200 gift certificate to Safeway!)
Think Outside the Box
Many parents run into trouble and start having difficulty affording their house or their life insurance policy. They may go to a reverse mortgage agent or a life settlement broker and sell their assets off for dimes on the dollar, along with paying high-fees. You can turn their need into a solid investment, or if you're feeling particularly charitable, a decent investment or even a losing investment. Instead of them going to a reverse mortgage agent, why not strike a deal with them that you get the house in exchange for a pension. You can even have it drawn up legally. Same with the life insurance. Split it with your siblings if you want. Chances are good you can give your parents more money than they can get elsewhere AND you can get a solid return on your money, just by cutting out the expensive middlemen in the process. This works especially well if you're going to inherit the house or be the beneficiary of the life insurance anyway.
You might also consider purchasing a home with a “mother-in-law” apartment rather than simply paying your MIL's rent. It might be cheaper (and more compassionate) to have your parent move in with you and hire a full-time caregiver to assist than pay for a spot in an assisted living facility. Obviously, family dynamics and relationships are a huge factor when offering to help out in these ways, but don't be afraid to think outside the box. Nothing has to be permanent either. If you move them in and it just isn't working, then move on to another solution.
Meet Your Parent at their Level
Many financially successful people have parents who can't budget their way out of a paper bag but are otherwise in good health and wish to stay as independent as possible. You have to meet them at their level. You can arrange to have their Social Security deposited into a bank account you control (careful with elder abuse laws- keep good records) and can contribute money to yourself. Their rent, utilities, medications, and insurance premiums can be paid out of this account. You can arrange for a shopping service to show up every week with food on their doorstep. Then you can have “an allowance” transferred into an account they can access. If their level of financial sophistication is that of a 12 year old, treat them (financially) like a 12 year old. At least you know there will be a roof over their head, warm air in the house, food in the fridge, and a reasonable level of health care.
Help Them Before You Have To Help Them
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An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When I was a resident, I started seriously learning about finances and investing. I quickly realized that my parents were paying far too much for terrible financial advice. At the time, my father was winding down his engineering career, had a pension and was building a significant nest egg. Unfortunately, that nest egg was not growing like it should have been, especially for the amount of risk being taken. Gently, but persistently, I motivated them to move from their 2% per year, underperforming, stock-picking asset manager to a 7 asset class Vanguard portfolio with an ER under 10 basis points. (Showing thrifty people their financial advisor is ripping them off is amazingly motivating, BTW.) They have been very happy with the results, especially since the change (from a 90/10 to a 50/50 portfolio) was made shortly before the 2008 financial debacle. It takes me less than an hour a year to rebalance their simple, but sophisticated portfolio and encourage them to spend more of it. The moral of the story is that if you can establish some trust with your parents and get them to let you into their financial lives sooner rather than later, the benefits are manyfold. They get more financial security and more money to spend in retirement. You can worry about them less, spend less on their care, and maybe even receive a larger inheritance!
How can you get them to trust you? I suggest you approach them in their 50s or 60s, at the time they are worrying about their parents' finances! They're amazingly open to it once they've seen the problems that can occur when senile grandma starts watching the home shopping network. Oh, and it helps to be trustworthy too. In general, however, the parents of physicians and other high-income professionals are aware you're not after their money and want only what is best for them.
What do you think? Are you assisting your parents? How? What are the pitfalls to avoid? Comment below!
Overall, I like your comments, but I think you began the beginning is pretty harsh regarding help for both parents and adult children. I never had the parents assistance problem, as both my parents (well-educated professionals) died before they could enjoy the fruits of retirement. That was in the 1960s, before the hyperinflation of the late 1970s devastated the financial plans of many. Had they retired on time and lived long, their fixed income pensions would have severely reduced their standard of living. Did I owe them anything? Hell, yes. They tightened their belts to help me and my sister through an expensive college. They devoted much of their young adult lives to rearing us well. You can never repay that. I would have done whatever I could to assist as needed. I do have experience with the issue of helping a child, however. My daughter stalled, both financially and emotionally, in her 30s. She was in the wrong place, stuck in a deteriorating career field. She always hoped things would get better, but I could see it was not going to happen by doing the sam ol’ same ol’. Eventually, she (with my help) concluded that she had to change direction. I financed a long trip so she could decide where and how she really wanted to live, helped with the move, and supplemented her unemployment for many months until she found work in her chosen location. She now draws a salary far higher than I or her mother ever did. I told her she was spending some of her retirement fund, which is how I see it, as I could get by without that extra capital. I would do it again under comparable circumstances (very unlikely, considering how she has changed her life and financial situation). She did the hard lifting, though — made the tough decisions to move from a city she loved (she loves the new one, too), make new friends and contacts, establish a new (though cramped) home, etc. I underwrote it, but her side of the partnership, as we framed it, was much more difficult than mine. Other than giving up my annual trip to Europe one year when cash flow was tight, I did not suffer. The satisfaction from seeing her take back control of her life and flourish, both emotionally and financially, is priceless.
I am fortunate that my father was able to not only financially prepare for his own retirement, my divorced mother’s retirement, my education, but also likely a small, but not insignificant, inheritance for his children and grandchildren. He is 83, healthy, recently retired, and is still accumulating wealth.
My in-laws, on the other hand, are broke. They always spent more than they had, and my CFP father-in-law (now 85) had planned to be gone from the earth long before now. My mother-in-law shops regularly on the home shopping channels, buying crap daily for her house that she does not need, most of which sits in her basement, unopened.
I am fortunate that my wife has two brothers, both physicians, that have taken over that responsibility. One has been financially successful on the business side, and he bought their house from them (they had negative equity after living there for over thirty years!), bought their new car a couple years ago, pays off the credit card bills (food and the continued stream of purchases from the home shopping network), and now pays for sitters for 16 hours/day. He’s a hero. The other brother sends a monthly check–I do not know the details.
“I don’t know the details”–My wife (and therefore I) was asked to participate in their assistance, too. My wife is the least affluent of the three and the only one who lives in town and deals with the appointments and emergencies when they occur. We take them out for dinner a couple times per month and buy them food with about the same frequency.
When my wife (and therefore, I) was asked to participate more formally, I asked for an explanation and accounting of their finances. I figured that since I was essentially being asked to write a check on a regular basis that we had the right to know how the money was being spent, the extent of their needs and situation, and would have the opportunity to participate in financial decisions. No one ever got back to us or asked us again. My take home message was that they wanted our money, not our input, and I was not willing to give one without the other.
Back to my family, I remember my father saying on more than one occasion (not verbatim) that the flow of wealth should go from parent to child, as if it is the natural order of things. While that may or may not be universally accepted, since money is a finite entity for many of us, any money I would send to the in-laws would be money that my children would not have for their education or starting in life or would weaken my own retirement planning. Our relationship was such that I was not willing to sacrifice the future of my family for my MIL’s home shopping channel purchases and such.
I have a great deal of admiration for those who are in my position that willingly support their in-laws. I just cannot come to terms with it.
I think my parents would very much agree with your idea that wealth should go parent to child, although they certainly willingly helped one of their sets of parents.
And the FIL was a financial planner! In my accounting classes, I always had an issue with the traditional “determine your life expectancy and then figure how much you need to save” retirement plan. You set yourself up for failure by simply failing to die on time.
The MIL TV shopping is typical and common. All of these home shopping channels need to somehow be regulated away. Even without cable, I count three of them that come in over-the-air. As the baby boomers age out, this problem is only going to grow and grow for millions of families.
If your parent or parents do end up needing Medicaid/ nursing home care, make sure you consult an Elder Care attorney. They understand the complex national and state Medicaid laws and will be able to protect some of your parents’ assets. The attorney we used protected Mom’s home, and allowed her to “gift” her last $20K to the children, which we put into a checking account for her needs (clothing, hair dresser, etc). Make sure the attorney you choose is expert in this field – I have a co-worker who “spent down” $150K for her aunt on the incorrect advise of their family attorney.
I’m going to have a very different perspective as I come from an Asian background. In my culture, children owe a debt gratitude to their parents and are supposed to help out. Life happens despite the best laid plans. If I am able to help I will as long as my parents were not irresponsible profligates.
My partner and I drew up a budget as unfortunately both sets of parents are in need. We set aside money for both my MIL and for my parents. We’re in the process of buying a house and will buy one with a mother in law suite so his MIL can move in with us. I send money to my parents each month to supplement.If it is within our means we try to help.
This is something that I worry about more and more as my career and my spouse’s career is starting off and as our parents’ are winding down.
I am less worried about my in-laws who have a fairly conservative lifestyle (government pensioner former engineer FIL, still employed CPA MIL who is fairly sophisticated, but they have a daughter (my SIL) whom they continue to support and will probably continue to support for the foreseeable future. And the MIL comes from one of those guilt families that expects responsible family members to continue to bail out the less responsible ones.
But what is more worrisome is my own mother, who continues to carry credit card debt, a home mortgage, and actually still student loans of her own (which she should have paid off by age 70). She makes good money, but retirement is ticking closer and closer, if only due to age. She’s just one of those people, no matter how many times you try to setup a budget, how much you talk about money, etc., will live paycheck to paycheck and always spend $1.10 for every $1.00 she has.
I think the “Help Parents Navigate Governmental and Non-Governmental Programs” will be all that I can really do. I know that no matter how much I support her, it would just subsidize her lifestyle and further enable her to spend more money on other stuff she dreams up. You could pay off all her debt, and she’d find a way to build the debt up again, given enough time. I have this feeling that I am one day just going to have to take over her affairs, likely declare bankruptcy for her, help her navigate medicaid and dole out her social security money as she needs it for legitimate expenses.
Our generation’s struggle with this problem is unprecedented. People are living longer and often with low quality, high expense medically facilitated lives at the end.
One of my (non-medical) friends is dealing with this issue with his 86 year old declining mother. He has lost work productivity moving his mother from hospital to facility to hospital to new facility to another new facility, etc. Thus far, it has only cost him his time; his father left a decent nest egg when he passed a couple years ago. The newest facility costs $11,200/month (!), and at that rate, the money that was put aside will not last forever.
I know that I would rather be dead than having whatever wealth I accumulated spent at the end of my days on someone changing my diapers, telling me every hour what day it is, and reminding me to use a fork when I eat.
My parents moved in with us a few years back as they were building a home down the street from us. They are getting older (late 70’s) and have had some medical issues that were hard for me to oversee from a distance. As the oldest and most responsible of my siblings, I was tapped and willing to take on watching over them in the years ahead. My husband was truly a saint to agree to the arrangement. But, as we have been together for over 30 years they have a very close relationship. My parents insisted in paying us a small “rent” stipend while they lived with us which was about 18 months. We tried to decline but they insisted. We used it to pay extra monthly on the mortgage and told them we were doing so. Our decision to discuss how we were using their “rent” opened up further financial discussions. My parents have retired comfortably. They are individual stock pickers which is hard for me but they have been retired for 15 years and have not touched their principal. I have given big picture advice around the edges. They have moved all their accounts to one brokerage which makes it easier for them to manage. I have shown them online tools to track their performance against benchmarks. My dad was surprised when I told him how much better we were doing with index funds/etfs than they were. So, as he asks I offer more advice. They receive my advice better when I ask them for theirs in return whether or not I really need it. Lately he discusses how I should move from their individual stocks to a portfolio I am more comfortable managing when the time comes. I have talked with them about how they chose their Social Security withdrawal strategy, SPIAs, and reverse mortgages. It lets me introduce ideas in a nonthreatening way and offer my opinions, good or bad, of options well before they are needed. They seem very relieved to be able to have these discussions with me.
My family is in stark contrast to my husband’s. His dad, a physician, passed away eight years ago. His wife, my husband’s stepmom, was left enough money to have a very comfortable retirement, much more so than my parents. It was left in a trust that my husband would manage when the time came. Unfortunately, the trust was revocable. His stepmom used it over the years to manipulate family members. They slowly stripped her of many of her assets. To make a long story short, she ended up incompetent and a ward of the state. Because my husband was not adopted by her, we had no standing to do anything to try to stop this slow moving train wreck. She is now safe and in a nursing home. It is unlikely that her remaining money will outlast her needs. Will we help when that time comes? I don’t know, and will support whatever my husband decides.
Dealing with aging parents is hard. You are stepping into the role of being a parent to your parent. My husband says it helps that we have had the opportunity to raise teenagers before we had to help our parents. Many of the same parenting techniques apply. Pick and chose your battles wisely. Know when to let go. Know when to lose the battle (often on purpose) to win the war. Best wishes to all of you who are taking on the responsibility!
This has been very helpful, especially the conversation tips. I don’t know how many times I’ve driven myself crazy and probably also driven my parents crazy trying to help them plan for their retirement. Some times I lose it a little and end up feeling guilty about it for days of a time. Good for you!
Be Careful Not to Offend
This is critical. My parents were prudent and frugal all their life (that is probably where I got it from). Through a series of lob losses and health issues later in life, they were left mostly with just SS in retirement.
They also lived before anyone said save for your retirement first, then worry about the kids. Even though we were not poor, we were far from middle class. The kids were always the priority when money was available. So, us kids felt like we owed it to them to help in their retirement.
Yet, my father was an extremely proud man and I greatly offended him trying to give him money to help out after noticing the refrigerator and pantry were quite sparse.
My sisters were far more subtle, they “helped” my mother become an expert at coupons and sales at the grocery store. Or at least that was what my farther bragged to people.
So do consider the cultural considerations including the family dynamics not just the ethnic traditions. Also, being the sexist that I am, maybe consider letting the women handle the help. They seem to know how to do this without offending the patriarch.
The first paragraph of this article reminds me of an adage my father used to quote to me: “One parent can support 10 children, but 10 children can’t support one parent. “.
My parents are financially pretty much OK, but currently have all their wealth invested in 6 stocks. About 40% in one stock that is not some same blue chip, but pretty much a gamble.
I have tried every way possible to get them to diversify. I tried the not to offend way, I tried the implied see how others are doing way. I have tried comparing his returns to index funds way. They are just stubborn and willing to take the risk to make it big.
The funny thing is they will retire just fine. Between SS and their wealth they will have an excellent retirment. They don’t need to take risks. That stock today is down 15-20%. It makes selling it even more difficult since he does not want to take the loss.
I worry they may lose 50% of their wealth following this reckless strategy and their retirment will not be so great.
How do I get them to see that they don’t need to take risk.
You can’t make them see it. It is not your responsibility to help and advise until they ask. You have to come to peace with your role. Lead by example in your own life. Help where your help is desired and then they might start seeing you have their best interests at heart. For me, helping with medical issues paved the way into financial.
This post touched a nerve. I am a primary care doc, close to retiring. I just discovered my parents financial situation is totally different than I had thought.
I assumed my parents in their late 70’s were comfortable financially (country club, expensive cars), and that they still worked (in a financial services field, self employed) because they wanted to rather than had to. They recently asked if I would be willing to cosign a refinance of their quite large interest only mortgage, which I had no idea existed. Apparently they have been using their home equity to finance lifestyle. It appears that they are relying on work income for the mortgage payment, with no plan as far as I can tell for what happens if unable to work
I was totally surprised, told them I’d consider it but would need to review heir financial info in order to know what I’d be getting involved with. They declined, saying they didn’t want me to do anything I’m not comfortable with, but I think there is also reluctance to share the financial info.
So now I am in the situation of thinking of retirement within the next few years, yet thinking I need to have an extra chunk of $$ that I hadn’t planned on to help my parents if they need it…. I hate the mixture of resentment at them for living above their means, and guilt about why don’t I just say yes, they are excellent parents, and sadness that they are in this position at their age….
I am having trouble reconciling that they are “excellent parents” with their asking you to consign their absurd “large interest only mortgage refi”.
yup, I would think that too if they were someone else’s parents, but I love them. I think my dad is prone to grand plans that don’t always work out.
Just in case you are looking for validation in not cosigning that loan, you have it! Don’t cosign it unless you can afford to actually buy the house for them. If you have kids, did you feel guilty for stopping them from touching a hot stove or running into the street? Did you do it with them to feel less guilty? Did you love them less when they didn’t listen to you? Tap into how you parented to help you now.
I have been collecting “helping parents” stories.
A good friend is a successful international businessman. He married a woman who comes from a family of six, whose father was a successful attorney in their community and lived rather large (so large that he needed a liver transplant!.).
Well, the patriarch of this family, the FIL of my friend, apparently told his family all along that he was not saving for retirement, that he is spending all of his money and expects his children to support him, in the manner that he is accustomed, when he grows old. My friend thought that this was a joke. Of course, the joke was om my friend when he learned that the family was expecting him to pay his share to support the lavish lifestyle of his FIL, who could no longer work and support himself and his luxury brand addict MIL.
My friend did the best he could to not appear affluent (when he was probably the most financially successful of the kids and their spouses) for fear that he might get pinched for more than his share. It reminded me a little of the Godfather scene when one of the lesser dons goes around town squeezing merchants, despite their protests that they have nothing to pay.
He delayed home renovations, replacing a car with 200k miles on it, buying new clothes for his children, etc., literally fearing that one of the in-laws would get wind of the fact that he was holding back on his spendthrift FIL.
Wow!!
My wife and I hope to embody this appearance of non-affluence to avoid this sort of thing later on in life. But I don’t know how effective it will be when anybody can google what an attending physician makes per year.
Shame on you for insinuating that parents bear kids to help them through retirement! The client never told you that his parents were harassing for money!! It behooves the kids to help parents who are worse off than the kids.
Sorry, but I strongly disagree. Every situation is different.
To say that all kids should help all parents who are less well off is not something I will ever accept. Especially, when the situation the parents find themselves in is entirely of their own making.
I think some of these things can be applied to the parent who isn’t retired, but isn’t really planning much for it. It’s hard not to offend, but it’s hard to sit back and watch it happen also.
These situations never have a clear right and wrong answer. It will come down to culture, relationships, fault, etc., so I love hearing what everyone does, but no one should take offense if they would do it differently.
Absolutely agree. Culture and relationships are HUGE here.
While not totally related to parents, I did find this article on Vanguard today interesting. This NFL players mother demanded he repay her $1,000,000 for raising him. Story seems similar to what I hear from other people who have been lucky, or smart and now have money.
https://retirementplans.vanguard.com/VGApp/pe/EducationNewsCenter#al=false&st=Featured&sst=ALL&articleId=17002&smt=ALL&ps=0&tab=libraryTab&libView=AllTopics&po=10
This book is not very sophisticated, but it can be a starting point: http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Your-Parents-Money-Retirement/dp/0061358207 I read this a couple of months ago, but won’t start to implement till I’ve cleaned up my own finances. It’s from 2011, and I was able to get it from public library.
There is a big cultural component at work here. That can be extra-challenging when marriages cross cultures. My parents will never ask for or need help. My wife’s parents helped their parents (and siblings) and now will probably need our help “paying it backwards.” Asian cultures accept that reality. On the other hand, we get “paid” in endless hours of childcare and our kids benefit.
Agreed, and since you brought up the childcare, I know a family that paid sitters, drivers, and childcare providers a fortune when their children were young, while the children’s in-town grandparents (the parents of the mother), who had nothing but time on their hands, stood by offering no assistance whatsoever. Fast forward a dozen years, and the grandparents now need financial assistance, the grandchildren barely know their grandparents (are more connected to the people who were their sitters and drivers), and the family has lukewarm feelings about sending cash to the aging grandparents.
I find it odd that the author apparently believes it’s wrong for a parent to expect their children to support them, but it’s fine to expect other people’s children to support them via medicaid.
Curious where you got either of those ideas from.
Lots of value judgments in this discussion. Take what you find useful, leave the rest, and realize that other people feel differently about some of these issues.
A great book related to family planning is The Other Talk by Tim Prosch.
coming from an Asian background, adult children (in some families) are expected to give money to their parents each month.
after I started making full time salary, my parents demand a monthly check. In all fairness, my parents spend a lot of money on me and my sister when they first decided they want to send us to the US for higher education, we went to public University, live frugally for the most part, my sister never pursuit any post graduate degree, whereas I went on to finish 4 yr professional school. During my 4 yrs of studying, I had to borrow loan (no loan from undergrad), parents also helped with whatever they can, so after I started working full time, my parents demand a check each month.
I think I would have offer to pay them back/or give certain amount each year anyway, but the fact that they demand a detail list of our W2 wage, and our monthly expenses to determine how much we should give them, that really hurt our relationship a lot. I did agree to pay a certain amount each month in the end, but from then on I am much less incline to talk about my income, my side jobs, and certainly would not want to tell them about the raise my boss gives me each year…. our relationship have improved a little since the huge fight about how much to give last year, but it definitely left a shadow over me and my sister.
sometimes I envy my friends who not only have their school (undergrad and master’s) all paid for, does not need to live frugally, and parents either buy them an apartment or give them a very generous down payment, but you cannot choose your birth family as someone once said..sorry this post is a little bit less positive
Interesting cultural perspective. That would have been enlightening to have been a fly on the wall during that “demanding” conversation. I think it’s one thing for you to want to help your parents, but totally different for them to demand it. But I’m not Asian.
it was not a face to face conversation per se (as our parents are back in Asia and we are in the US), but numerous very angry emails/phone calls, i guess I can see from their perspective, they lose money and they lose the children (both me and my sister prob won’t return to Asia in the near future, and they don’t plan on moving to the states because of language issue and their whole life is in Asia)..
I am in my early 30s, although helping parents is a common belief in Asian culture, but I couldn’t help but think now I am all done with my student loans, I have “parent loan” forever (granted, if my parents didn’t help out, I prob would be still paying for my student loan, actually with my saving, I think I can prob pay it off pretty quickly)
Well, in the end it’s up to you to decide how much to give. So give what you feel good about and can afford.
Wow, that is painful to read! From the middle class Jewish perspective, my experience was the complete opposite, with perhaps a twist.
My parents paid for college and med school and associated expenses. I did work in summers to contribute where I could (no backpacking in Europe 😉 ). And yes, when the time came, my father did give me some money to help with the down payment for my first home.
And what was expected in return for my parents? Nothing. I guess there is the expectation to do the same for my children, and we are preparing to do just that. As I indicated in my first post, and did nor consider that it might be a cultural tradition or just the idiosyncratic way I was brought up, but my father always said that money flows from the older generation to the younger, not sideways or backwards.
as someone once said, you cannot choose your birth family, but you can choose how it is when you start your own family, that is exactly what I plan to do, have enough money in 529 for my kids, and don’t expect them to pay back the money..
a lot of my friends, after hearing my stories, became very grateful toward their parents (because they are student loan free with very low mortgage because the parents help out). I’m glad at least someone is benefiting from my stories XD.
1- My husband is an only child. When his mom groused at his dad that they didn’t have enough money for a bigger house 20 years ago we enthusiastically asked if we could invest $50K in it to ensure they have 2 guestrooms for when we visit. They refused and she still complains now and then. (But 20 years on I think paying for a hotel room for us and keeping the kids in their one guest room is more cost effective, and less cleaning and a honeymoon for us every visit.) Don’t know if they’ll leave him (or as we ask skipping us to the kids) anything but probably won’t need much from us. They’re spending a bit more- sports tickets when we visit for FIL and husband since MIL and I not interested- and look into moving closer to us every few years. Don’t know much about their finances and don’t think we need to yet. Will jump in when one is gone or they get more ill re move in with us or near us.
2- My dad remarried and I got new sisters some 20 years younger (and new mom 10 years older than me). They spent a lot more on her kids than on his first set of kids, keeping them in cars and food from their pantry well into their 20s in addition to parochial school. My dad is bad with money but my new mom considers him rich (compared to her he is) and so they spend even more than he used to. They (or she even more quickly if he dies before then- he’s 80) will run through his retirement savings and have only SS in under 10 years. My brother and I have made a pact to quit trying to get them to be fiscally responsible- it was driving my brother the accountant insane- and have not quite made a pinky promise not to be the bank once their accounts are empty. He has counseled my (step)sister about it all. She knows the score and has an apt in her basement for them once they are broke. We figure she owes it to them more than my brother or I, and probably it’ll only be her mom by then. If my dad asks for help I’ll give him a ticket for one or both to come stay with me but I feel it’d be unfair to my husband and kids to send him money.
Jenn