[Editor's Note: Today's guest post was submitted by a regular reader and Anesthesiologist from Newport Beach, CA that wishes to remain anonymous. I applaud her patience and persistence in a difficult situation as well as her willingness to look at her own relationship with money. We have no financial relationship.]
Can you achieve financial security when your partner is not on the same “spiritual” path?
Becoming a successful White Coat Investor (WCI) requires planning, dedication, and commitment. Is it realistic, however, to attain financial independence when your spouse does not subscribe to the same philosophy?
Financial Goals Incongruity
Since 1999, I have been a pseudo-WCI, trying to convince my significant other to save 20% of our gross income, adhere to a reasonable budget, and establish financial security for our family.
I have memories of yellow legal pads outlining our income, expenses, and budget as early as 2003, the year I began my first attending job. I even invested in a dry-erase board and Expo markers, hoping to have monthly family “budget meetings”. We tried the all-cash spending method, having no credit cards, and solicited help from several certified financial planners. Unfortunately, at the time, many of these advisors were untrustworthy and simply wanted to sell us expensive funds. We even tried a one-year moratorium on all spending except food, gas, medical, and housing. Nevertheless, these plans all fizzled within 3–6 months, leaving me frustrated and my spouse feeling guilty and ashamed.
Psychology Behind Financial Habits
My husband enjoyed eating at fancy restaurants, ordering wine we had no business drinking, purchasing designer clothing, and investing top dollar into seemingly whimsical hobbies as he navigated life. He had $22,000 in credit card debt when I met him, despite a fully funded education provided by his father. The feeling he had when “depriving” himself of these niceties was hard for him. The retail “therapy” continued for years, despite countless interventions and arguments.
To be fair, I must confess my own financial shortcomings. I have a fear of scarcity despite always having had enough money growing up. I worry about money far more than I should and realize that my worry has turned into an unhealthy obsession. For instance, I take our retirement account losses personally, which causes me more stress and anxiety. My mood fluctuates with the stock market, and in downtimes, I find myself resenting my spouse for his purchases. Even worse, I am jealous of his capacity for generosity and his joyful feelings when engaging in his own “lavish” hobbies. Why can’t I find happiness in these activities? Are saving money and planning for the future my only interests? If my joy is often tied to a future event or accomplishment, then perhaps I am the one missing out on “the good life”.
Financial Relationship Survival Tactics
To mend our financial differences and reduce marital tension, we made the following agreement. I would handle all the finances, including maximizing our 401(k)s, protecting our assets with insurance, opening a Fidelity brokerage account, and starting state-sponsored 529s for our kids. As for my spouse, we decided his spending would have limited restrictions. While we had to discuss and agree upon large purchases, such as homes, cars, and private schools, anything less than $1,000 needed no prior approval. I assumed we would never share similar financial goals and hoped this compromise would ease the strain on our relationship. Since we made a healthy income as two physicians with no student loans, I rationalized that we could absorb this extravagance and be “happy”.
In 2011, my spouse experienced a sort of midlife crisis that helped him reset his life and future goals. Only after this “awakening” did he understand the origins of his large spending habits. My husband was obviously compensating for other deficiencies and feelings of inadequacy, most likely stemming from his childhood.
Goal Alignment Success
After five years of psychoanalysis, we started seeing eye to eye on our future plans and financial goals. Our financial consensus only took 20 years of marriage and what felt like the squandering of a small fortune to get there. A year ago, my husband asked me how much we had saved up for retirement and was shocked with my meager response. He could not believe our retirement savings was so low despite enjoying very high dual incomes for the past 15 years. While I am proud of what we were able to save, I still feel regretful that we could have done better. In fact, I have lived with this shame for many years.
Nonetheless, joining the WCI in 2020 helped me appreciate that it was not too late to improve our financial plan and work toward a much richer future together. Thankfully, we both love our jobs and hope to work for another 15–20 years. I only share our story to help other WCI members who struggle with resolving their individual or couples-based money issues.
Our personal money habits, like any other behavior, are often shaped by our childhood experiences. My spouse had significant family neglect issues growing up, and money was often used to make him feel better and worthy. Trying to understand your spouse’s needs and recognizing where their behaviors arise from may save you years of financial frustration.
To relieve my own financial stress and anxiety during the pandemic, I completed this Sounds True workshop. This program really helped me understand my own money biases and personal habits. Combining the psychology behind my money behaviors with Jim Dahle’s White Coat Investor series has allowed me to feel secure and confident about our financial future.
After 20 years of financial disagreements, poor investments, and missed opportunities, I can honestly say we are in a much better place in both our personal and financial lives. Together, we learned to appreciate each other’s attitudes toward money and its true place in life. It is often hard to plan for the future while remaining mindful and in the present. I am grateful to my husband for showing me the joy in everyday activities, and I know he appreciates the financial security I have planned for our family.
How have you navigated a partnership that has different financial goals than you have? What advice do you have for couples in this situation? Comment below!
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Thank you for sharing your story! I think it’s awesome that you continued to work on this. Like so many things in a partnership, being on the same page is not an end point but a continual process.
My wife and I have not always been on the same page financially but it is a constant goal and through working together we have developed a financial plan together which is really rewarding!
It’s refreshing to hear your story. Thanks for sharing! This type issue is much more common than it seems. But most of are great at hiding it.
As you mentioned in your post, all of us are shaped for better or worse by our childhood. Often times, we have failed to fully work through those negative childhood experiences that tend to manifest into who we are today.
Some people are able to work through this themselves. But it typically takes a really long time! That’s when a good therapist can help. And when it ties into money, a financial therapist might fit the bill. Yes, that is a thing. I didn’t really know the profession existed until a few years back. Check out the Financial Therapy Association – https://financialtherapyassociation.org
Thanks for your enlightening story. I too was in a similar situation. Thanks to WCI and partners for clarity and structure. Take home, it’s never to late to start on the path of financial literacy and independence!
Good to hear that you’re both getting closer to the same place in financial planning. I think many people get into their mid forties and finally start thinking about their future without work, and where the money will come from. Luckily, it sounds like you have a big shovel.
Early in marriage I was the grasshopper. Now I tend to be the conservative one. One note, though. I think it’s better to use credit and pay off balances every month. Much easier to track than using cash. Also, you’ll probably get points for something.
I also like credit for the tracking and points. But I’m pretty sure I spend more than I would if I were spending the green stuff and all the studies show most people are that way. So if you’re having trouble saving enough, I’d avoid the credit cards, even if they’re automatically paid in full each month.
Thanks for sharing a different perspective, both from not being quite on the same page and from a female perspective. I too am the saver and my husband is the spender and we have been working on getting on the same page financially. Thankfully I am just starting out and he has been coming around to some of the WCI philosophies so we have some time.
Even if you can’t get on the same page, if you are both at least reading the same book it really helps the marriage and the finances!
It is awesome you got through this! People should look at how hard that was and determine not to date or marry anyone who doesn’t share your values on important subjects, including faith, money and kids. My wife and I were eye to eye on virtually everything when we married 43 years ago. And on a single income much lower than two doctors we easily and automatically built wealth while living a rich life. You guys really overcame a huge problem that has destroyed so many marriages, congratulations!
Well done with you and your husband! I myself have a spouse who definitely does not understand the importance of saving, that we don’t need to spend lavishly to be happy, and whose definition of “lavish” means it should be at least 6 figures. Worse yet she is the higher income doc in the relationship and believes she should buy what she wants because she worked hard and deserves it. I am constantly trying to get her to see my perspective where it’s not necessarily the things that money buys but the time and freedom it brings for us to spend time with our family- that’s what it’s all about.
Thank you for sharing your story and all the best to you and your husband.
My partner has already reached FIRE. I can’t help feeling envious. I don’t think I’m resentful but maybe I am. I feel tired and sad a lot of the time. It could be PPD. I’m just trying to take it day by day. Sometimes hour by hour.
You mean your partner, the parent of your baby? Or your clinical partner? Because if the first, doesn’t that mean you’re kind of FI too?
If the second, I get it, but use partner for inspiration to do the same, not as a target of envy.
As far as how you’re feeling right now, this too shall pass.
It’s the first, thank you for the reply. We keep our finances separate so I’m not FI yet. Also, I pay for the health insurance so one of us needs to keep working.
Thank you for the advice. I need to remember that I won’t always feel this way.
Any plans to get married? If you do, I’d definitely combine the finances even if it takes a serious pre-nup that might result in you not being FI if you guys split up.
Hi, we got married in 2017 and we just had a baby on April 30th. So far we haven’t had to combine finances but I hear it happens once you have a kid.
Oh, combine your finances. It’s so much easier and I think helps you build wealth faster. If you need “your own money” just set up an allowance system.
I second the recommendation to combine finances! Each person can easily have a “fun budget” or whatever, and even a separate checking acct/ credit card so the other does not see every detail of that spending.
Cautionary tale: I have a good friend, married for many years, with one child. They continue to maintain the fiction of “separate” finances. They have one set of actual household expenses, and the law views them as one household as well (i.e., for inheritance, etc). “Separate” finances mean they forego the opportunity to optimize retirement planning and this is a huge amount of wealth foregone (in her case definitely into the hundreds of thousands of $ to date). For example, my friend’s long-time employer has a 401k plan where she could do a mega backdoor Roth and have an HSA, but she doesn’t max out either because then “her” paycheck would be too small — but across both partners’ paychecks they could easily fund all the tax-advantaged accounts. If they got a divorce they’d have to split the retirement accounts anyway, so there’s no upside to pretending they have separate finances.
Excellent explanation of some of the downsides of keeping finances separate.