[Editor's Note: Today's guest post was submitted by Family Physician, Dr. Maheswari Raja. We're always on the look out for unique guest posts from our regular readers. This one is definitely unique. We also get lots of requests for posts dealing with unique issues that foreign medical graduates deal with. This also qualifies there, so we thought we'd run it. We hope you enjoy it. Arranged marriage or not, discussing financial goals before marriage should be a high priority for any couple. I know Katie and I had serious discussions about lots of things, including money, before marrying and it has made all the difference. The author and I have no financial relationship.]
I had an arranged marriage.
I was 24 years old, had graduated from Medical School, completed a year of internship and was planning to train further in some surgical specialty. I had dreams and goals. I had grown up in Africa and India. My parents were both well educated and had lived around the world before settling back in India.
Yet, I agreed to an arranged marriage.
That was what was expected and what all my friends were doing. I never anticipated or planned to live in the US—it just happened to be where my “to be” husband was working at the time.
I met my husband in person a week before the wedding. It was awkward, to say the least, this meeting after just a few phone conversations. Three weeks later, I was a new bride on an airplane with him to an unknown land to make a life together.
Much has been written about money and marriage. It has been shown time and again that marriage is financially beneficial and that staying married to the same person is important for wealth building.
Arranged Marriage and Money
I was listening to a podcast on marriage and money a few weeks ago and had a thought—why had I never discussed finances or goals prior to getting married? I had just assumed that since my husband was a man, and was working here in the US, that he knew more. I was a qualified, professional woman. Was I the only one in this situation?
About 20% of the physician force in the US is of South Asian descent, and a large proportion of them are women. The IT and tech boom of the nineties brought in a lot of engineers, and many of them married doctors.
So, I set out to ask many of my friends two questions:
- Did they have an arranged marriage?
- And, if yes, did they discuss financial goals prior to the wedding?
I got the same answers from every one of them—yes and no.
Not one of them had discussed financial goals!
Dr. Maheswari Raja
All of them are successful physicians.
All of them assumed the man knew finances better.
I think this gender bias is so inbuilt in this particular population.
Let's not kid ourselves—a man speaking about money is seen as confident and achieving, but a woman doing the same can be perceived as pushy or greedy. Add cultural bias, and it gets even more complicated.
Arranged or not, marriage is hard work. Arranged marriages tend to be fairly successful because of the familial support and the “like matched with like” concept. Most couples learn and grow to love each other with time, and tend to have common goals, financial and otherwise, that are realized as a team. The husbands support the wives financially through the first few years of exams and training, and later shoulder childcare and household responsibilities.
But, money tends to be a problem in many marriages. If there was never a conversation about it before the wedding, when there is abuse, divorce, or discord in the relationship, the woman finds herself anchorless with no money, no backup, cultural stigma and isolation in a new country. All of this despite being educated and smart, and often the one with the larger income. This happens not only in medicine but also in many allied professions and engineering.
The practice of “Arranged Marriage” has decreased over time but still exists. In fact, it seems to have gathered some intrigue and popularity these days with reality shows like “Arranged Marriage” and “Married at First Sight”.
There is no magic formula for guaranteed success in marriage—arranged or otherwise.
Financial literacy is absolutely important to protect oneself. Women have to learn, teach, and share. We should recognize those that need help and support. We need to teach our daughters and sisters and friends and mentees. We need to lead by example.
7 Questions to Ask Before Entering an Arranged Marriage
If you are a woman entering an arranged marriage, please ask, please discuss.
- Discuss expectations, and goals, and debt.
- Discuss familial obligations. Respect them.
- Discuss accounts, and if they should be joined or separate, and what will work for you both.
- Discuss how large expenses should be planned for.
- Discuss long term and retirement goals.
- Discuss non-negotiables.
- Ask. Discuss. Know. Learn. Own your space in the partnership. Respect his.
And as for the men in arranged marriages, please think to ask.
Did you discuss finances and goals before marriage? Why do you think finances aren't discussed more before marriage (arranged or otherwise)? What other questions should be asked before entering into marriage? Comment below!
Really enjoyed your story and perspective! I think regardless of arranged or not, communication in general and especially about finances is so important but is also one of the most neglected aspects of a relationship. It can take some uncomfortable and not fun talks but will make things so worth it. I think the avoidance of these tough talks results in much bigger problems than just getting through the initial discomfort of the talks themselves. Remember, it’s not important to start on the same page but it is so important to end up on the same page!
Absolutely!Communication is key.
I too entered an arranged marriage trying to appease my mother. Worst decision of my life as everything was so rushed that I fully didn’t get to screen the one the chose for me. Was stuck on an awful marriage of 7 years. Ended in a highly contentious and bitter divorce. She ended up getting diagnosed with a mental disorder years later after all the emotional and financial damage was done. That period of my life easily cost me $1 million net worth through legal fees and division of property.
For those doing it out of family obligation remember you are living with that person day in and day out. The people you are trying to please only deal with that person briefly throughout the year for holidays etc. I wish I put my foot down and said no. Whatever pain it would have caused my mom would be trivial to the amount I suffered.
What an interesting look into this practice, thanks for sharing your story! These are great things for all potential mates to discuss before tying the knot. Or at least at some point on the journey.
When it comes to my own marriage, we didn’t really have these money talks until many years into our marriage. Thank goodness we’re mostly on the same page about all this stuff!
Thank you.
Highly insightful post, congratulation. This reminds me of a story which stays in my mind ever. I had a woman surgical resident from Pakistan, she was a most intelligent, diligent and nicest person we had in many years, everyone was fond of her. As we all know, that cardiac surgical rotation was the least attractive for general surgical residents as they got to do little surgery. However, she was wiling to repeat our rotations for the consideration of others. As the result, i became to know her well. It happened that another resident from Italy befriended with her platonically , perhaps, foreigners sought each other. One day, I received a restaurant gift certificate of $100.00 from a grateful patient. I gave that to the Italian resident asking him to share the meal with the woman resident. Later, when i inquired that if they enjoyed the meal. He told me he instead take an American medical student ( a pretty blond ) out instead, and he lost his car key down the drain at entrance. What a typical male! At time of graduation, I was shocked to learn she married a man from Pakistan she only met on the phone, and she was returning to Islamabad to teach knowing fully well that she would never perform another surgery. I am still at loss to comprehend how power was the tradition of arranged marriage. I hope, she is happy. Dr. Raja, as a scientist, I can assure you this is the only life that you could have, get the most out of it . As Richard Dawkins stated it is exceedingly fortunate to be just born, you are entitled to live the life with due dignity, equality, and self pursuit of happiness. I am so glad that you are in US, your ” audacity ” to care about money matters give us confidence that you will do well, best regards.
That story is all too common,unfortunately.
Thank you for your encouragement.
Very Inspirational story. As if moving from India itself into a foreign country is not a challenge on its own, finishing residency and then taking control of finances is a great achievement. I have myself found it to be a very humbling experience as well. And WCI has been a great resource not only to help professionals from different backgrounds but also in giving them a platform to share their story.
Yes,WCI has been a great learning resource.Thanks.
Second-generation Indian-American here. While my parents knew better than to suggest one for me, I have seen virtually all of my cousins in India have one… I’m happy to read your unique (for this segment of the internet) perspective. I’d like to push back on the statement “Arranged marriages tend to be fairly successful.” In the past lower divorce rates were always cited as evidence for this, but didn’t acknowledge the reality that divorce was not feasible for most women in these marriages. This was due to multiple factors- a) women were pressured/shamed by families (who had arranged the marriage themselves) to stay in abusive situations, b) women often didn’t have the ability to earn an income if they were on their own, c) remarriage for a woman was nearly impossible. However, divorce has become (marginally) more socially acceptable in India, especially in the educated population. Women can provide for themselves in a way they couldn’t even one generation ago. Data show that divorce rates in arranged marriages are no lower than in “love marriages”. And of course, no discussion of this is complete without mentioning the elephant in the room. Because of societal preferences for boys, there is a large population of “missing women” as a result of selective abortions and infanticide. An educated/earning bride is an asset and such women are in high demand as matches for arranged marriages.
I agree that women did not have much of a choice in the past and were stuck in these marriages and that the education of women and economic independence has given them the support to leave unsuitable marriages.
I was talking about most marriages like mine being fairly successful-married young,two professionals who learn and grow together and figure out everything,including finances with time.That has been mine and many of my friends experience.It was for the percentage that doesn’t work out,that this topic of financial literacy becomes even more important.
Thanks for sharing. I can’t even get along with the one *I* picked.
Dr. Raja,
Thank you for sharing this unique perspective. I wish you many years of success and happiness.
WCI,
Thank you for allowing Dr. Raja to present her perspective. I appreciate your sensitivity and openness to other cultural experiences. I hope to see in the future similar posts from others with less mainstream experiences. I think we have a lot we can learn from another and the only way to do that is to give folks like Dr. Raja a platform to voice their perspective.
Although I enjoy your usual content this post in particular was refreshing to read.
Part of the issue is there are a lot fewer “non mainstream” people/examples. So of course MOST posts aren’t going to be like that. But we try to keep the content new and fresh.
Thank you!
I can’t stop reading The White Coat Investor. Just when I think I’ve encountered most financial situations as a 30 year plus financial adviser, I get exposed to another one, arranged marriage. Dr. Raja thank you for helping us focus on a situation that is not common but certainly exists here in the U.S. We do tend to see the cultural bias of the husband expected to take the lead, but not with an overlay of arranged marriage. It’s uncovered a unique situation for me to look for and ask about as we encounter young couples, approaching marriage or newly married.
Thank you.
dude Maheswari great to mention financial discussion despite being stuck in an arranged marriage. It’s nice to have your voice as if I were in an arranged marriage I could imagine a “why even bother” thought process where you wouldn’t discuss finances because the marriage is already arranged. But it is so critical to make the marriage successful and happy in the future, despite having been prearranged.
btw, how did those 7 questions go with your marriage? Are their still answers that are pain points currently? How are you dealing?
I did not ask any of those questions at age 24.
I have been married 20 years now,and the ride has been good,including financial goals.
I cannot say the same for many other women,and that is why I am writing this post.
I totally agree with your article Dr. Raja. I was introduced to my husband through my family . We were talking and “getting to know each other” for about one year before getting married. I would call it as semi-arranged marriage. I had asked and discussed ‘money’ issues with my future husband but not all the 7 questions that you mentioned. I always loved my financial independence and wanted to know his views about money .
I think arranged or not-arranged, money should be discussed before legal and lifelong commitment of marriage. Opposite person’s attitude towards money should be assessed in any relationship: how they look at money : goal, mean or byproduct. Disagreement on financial matters could be potential reason of quarrels or divorce. Money discussion is essential for the couples if their income mismatches drastically.
Thanks for discussing important topic.
Great to see this posted! As an American married to a South Asian man for 25 years (whose parents tried multiple times to arrange a match), I have also witnessed what the author describes. I agree the questions posed are great for any marriage and encourage my family and patients to ask them. In fact, we covered finances to a large extent during premarital counseling which I think was very helpful. Retirement didn’t come up but expectations regarding money were discussed.
My husband’s parents, who lovingly welcomed me into the family, have discussed finances frankly with us and encouraged saving. (They met the day they married, and only saw a photo of each other prior to. Through ups and downs, they were steadfastly devoted to each other, and mostly on the same page financially.)