My socks never match. Up until now, I’ve only known two types of dress attire: formal, and not. 99% of the time you can find me in my go-to basketball shorts and t-shirt (I do have 1 pair of jeans when the occasion calls for it), and any instance that requires something more fancy than that results in me pulling out a full suit, including jacket and tie. Luckily I updated my suit a few years ago for my brother’s wedding, because before that I somehow managed to make my previous “power pinstripe” suit stretch (literally and figuratively) for the 8 years of high school and college, as well as the roughly 40lbs I grew in between. Before you judge me, let me tell you about the main events in my life that have informed my wardrobe choices.
Until the day I moved out of my parent’s house at 18, I was defined by the actions of my brother and father. My brother was a drug addict, and my father, a long time salesman akin to Arthur Miller’s Willy, struggled to cope, leaving me without a role model and feeling a complete lack of control over my life. The following is an excerpt from a poem I wrote, never officially submitted anywhere until now:
As this was happening, I was lucky enough to discover the sport of wrestling which provided me with a sanctuary where I could stay after school for a few extra hours each day. I took to it quickly and eventually began to love the escape from reality it offered as well as the feeling of control it gave me. My success was solely determined by how hard I worked, and if I worked harder and longer and smarter than everyone else, I could win. Eventually I would have to go home to reality, and after walking in to my house drenched in sweat from practice, I was greeted by a combination of screaming and crying on a good day, or the all too typical red and blue sirens on a bad day. After making it to my bedroom, I began my homework for the full load of AP classes that I shared with all of my peers, with the added stress of barely having eaten in order to achieve my “desired” wrestling weight class. On weekends I earned money passing out flyers for Papa Johns, knowing that I would have to find new places to hide it from my brother who would steal it to support his habit. High school was the toughest four years of my life. But the core mandate of wrestling is to “always get up,” so I learned that given my disadvantages, I would have to fight harder than everyone else to achieve my goals.Addiction. Pain. Destruction.
How long can you bear the pain before you go numb, and all feeling is lost.
The feeling is there but there is no perception of the sensory information.
That is how I feel, like a computer.
As if I have felt so much that I can feel no longer and I am simply a machine, processing the information with a blank stare and an empty soul.
How long can you cry before you drown in your own bitter tears, the salty drops sliding slowly down your face, before they land gently on your lips, and some-how, some-way, the fact that you can even feel makes them taste so sweet.
Addict.
Who knew a simple meaningless conjugation of letters that when written together form a word, something so irrationally brought about, so irrelevant to reality, could cause so much pain.
Every hit he takes, every pill he pops brings us farther from brotherhood and closer to strangers.
And with every penny he steals and every lie he speaks, love turns to spite and now that spite is the only thing that holds us together.
The pain, the sorrow, the guilt, living with an addict.
So when I get up in the morning, I’m thinking “What can I get accomplished today”, not how I look or what I’ll be wearing. It’s hard to fathom spending the extra minute each morning to put on matching socks because in a world full of obstacles, time is my greatest ally. Every moment counts when working towards my goals, and used effectively, that minute allows me to compete with anyone, whether it be in wrestling, school, or this scholarship contest. It’s also hard to justify buying a new package of socks at Walmart for $6.99 when I’ve been ignoring my dentist’s advice to get my tooth crowned for more than 3 years due to a lack of finances! But luckily with Lynrd Skynrd’s “Simple Man” ringing loudly in my head, and the intense physical and mental challenges that both the sport of wrestling and my home life forced me to endure, I embraced my simple life and have chosen not to focus on trivial expenditures or things.
I’m incredibly lucky. My brother’s story is an unlikely one in that after years of crippling opioid abuse, including two overdoses, he survived and eventually turned his life around. This Fall I will be entering medical school—the culmination of a dream to help others that was worked for with literal blood, sweat, and tears. While I have always loved my “Fridays Are Bagel Days” t-shirt from 8th grade, I recognize that with the conclusion of my wrestling career and the beginning of medical school, I have to begin dressing more professionally. Although I’ve prided myself on not focusing on trivial things like the clothes I’m wearing, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt embarrassed at times. I want to be able to buy new clothes, wear matching socks, and get a new suit now that I finished my collegiate wrestling career in March and have gained 15lbs since. But I also know that this is impossible knowing that I have tuition that needs to be paid, a tooth that needs crowning, a monthly car bill, and endless other expenses. I’m the type of person who, if given $20 and told to spend it on myself, will inevitably put it towards rent. But if chosen for this scholarship, I promise to first use it on those expenditures that I have deemed “not essential for living,” such as purchasing new clothes so that my appearance can reflect this new professional stage of my life. After that, the remainder will go towards the “essential for living” category, and act to help lift the huge burden of living expenses off my shoulders.
Regardless of the outcome, I know I will always be prudent with both my time and money. And if I’m not able to purchase matching socks, that’s okay too, because as The Verve’s “Lucky Man” put it:
“Happiness. Something in my own place. I’m stood here naked. Smiling, I feel no disgrace, with who I am.”
What do you think? Did you come from an economically disadvantaged background? How did that affect you in medical school? How does it affect you now? Comment below!
I love/hate reading these type of stories. I love all that you overcame but hate reading about the difficult childhood that you grew up. Sounds like you have really made lemonade out of some lemons provided to you. Congrats and sounds like big things are in store for you!!!
hat an inspiring story and I’m so glad your brother turned his life around. Please keep us posted about your progress on the forum and I hope you think of all of your cheerleaders here on WCI when you put on the new matching socks that your gift certificate will buy!
Wonderful accomplishments and you are making a fantastic life for yourself. Congratulations on your achievements and you should be so proud of yourself, matching socks or not!
Congrats on what you’ve achieved. You’ll be a great doctor. I hope you share your essay with your highschool coaches. They must be really proud of you.
Your story reminds me of a saying that bears repeating:
“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Be kind.
Always.”
Best of luck in the future
Reminds me of an old Chinese proverb…
Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.
Nice essay. Congratulations. Thanks for the inspiration.
Excellent advice, John.
Joshua, don’t put too much emphasis on the socks. It could help give you some differentiation. :O) One of my favorite all time Pediatric Drs always wore a bow-time and bright and/or silly ties. He just had a great way of making the kids (and thus the parents) feel at ease.
I did not have a life like yours. I am proud of you for working as hard as you have through unimaginable (for most) circumstances.
Great essay.
cd :O)
I like it . . . Always get up. It’s the action/motion that matters most. When you were ‘down on the mat’ of life, you picked yourself up and kept moving toward something better. Looks like you will be a pioneer in your family–showing the way to a better life. Stay strong, the road ahead is still rough, but it will be worth it. Thanks for sharing your story.
It is easy to believe that your life is hard until you read an essay like this and then realize how privileged you are. I am shocked this essay didn’t win, and very happy you made it into medical school and all you overcame.
Wrestling is a great sport and the ultimate equalizer. All that matters is hard work and wrestling shoes don’t cost much. Also, it doesn’t matter how nice your shoes are when you’re on your back!
What a great motto to live by
I’m always impressed by wrestlers. It wasn’t really my sport, but I went out my junior year in high school, halfway through the season after the hockey season ended. I’ve never had such hard practices in my life and wanted to quit something. But I didn’t, I stuck it out for the rest of the season and ended up with an all-time record of 0-5-1. Now that might not seem like much to any of you, but after my first day, when I was pinned three times in the first round, that tie at the end of the season really meant a lot!
Nice Essay. Keep that bagel t-shirt! I still have shirts from 7th and 8th Grade and at age 39 wear them proudly every time I put them on (My wife HATES them). The situations when I can wear them are decreasing….and the shirts are getting pretty thin/hole filled….but you will cherish things like that shirt 10-15 years from now…And it will keep you grounded when you make your first 50K, 100K and 1 million! You will look at that shirt and it will be a part of you. Good luck and keep getting up!
Congratulations Joshua and also to the committee that chose your essay. Believe it or not, you are already emotionally more well equipped than many of your peers who come from more “traditional” (whatever that means) families. When the s*&t hits the fan (and it always will in medicine), you won’t freak out – probably small stuff compared to your life experiences. I also think you will come out from training less jaded that other med students who enter as idealistic, optimistic, wanna-do-gooders with little hard life experiences – you have already lived addiction and hardship first hand with a great attitude. Here’s to keeping your eyes on the prize and I wish you all the best at Florida!
Great essay, and congratulations on the tremendous accomplishment.
My background is very different. I grew up in a loving and supportive family with role models left and right. I lived in an affluent suburb with one of the best public schools in the nation. My family paid for all of my undergraduate expenses. I have been healthy my entire life. I was taught, “every one to whom much has been given, of him shall much be required.” This is one of many reasons I pursued a career in medicine. If someone like me, with all these privileges, cannot find the energy and bandwidth to serve my fellow man, who else can be expected to step up?
The fact that you’re striving to become a doctor in order to fulfill your dream to help others, despite the challenges you’ve overcome…it’s inspiring. Best of luck with the road ahead.
Awesome! Good for you.
I came from a similar background (mom was the drug addict) and also wrestled (hs only). Good luck to you, keep your debt and financial mistakes to a minimum. It does not get easier any time soon. Find someone or a good community to help guide you at times of need.
There is a tendency (n=1) to think its all good and things will fall into place, but the stakes are ever so bigger now and since you’re a doc to be people will let you make them. You’ve found a good group here thought. Best of luck.