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Divorce/Alimony – trying to be fair and move on

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  • Avatar IntensiveCareBear 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 55
    Joined: 12/22/2018
    Disability Insurance
    Wow… rough one. Crazy situation to ever be in. If you are indeed trying to learn the lesson and move on, then do that asap.
    A couple quick pearls for you:
    1) marriage and family court is a place where females hold all the trump cards (not unlike many other places), so expect to be screwed. Legal marriage is never a good idea, but too little too late on that, eh?
    2) your lawyer is NOT your friend or buddy or listener; they are there to make money… and they bill you by the minute and per email. It is purely a professional service, so have direct questions and goals listed and get this done asap. If you need a listener, use your buddies or family or a therapist… much cheaper than your lawyer.
    3) you have a TREMENDOUS self growth opportunity coming up here; how you handle this will decide the course of the rest of your life. If you don’t detach and learn from this, it will put you into a series of bad decisions and poor emotion control that will ruin you emotionally and financially (probably hamper or ruin you professionally also). I know it is tough, but you need to learn the key lessons and MOVE ON asap. Quitting is fine! Learn the lesson and move on. There are other places to live and plenty of other women to date and plenty of other missions in life which you can enjoy. Even if you don’t want to quit yet, well, too bad… your ex already quit on you quite awhile ago (predictably, see below) and she controls your daughter, so get done the legal separation and get started with self growth and the rest of your life.
    .
    …your attorney is the one to ask about the money and divorce issues (but I get it if you wanted to vent here). As for money, you should consider it a big success if you can pay zero child support while your ex and kid are living abroad (but expect to pay some if she moves back to USA). I doubt you will get any alimony due to being the man and it being a fairly short marriage, but again, ask the lawyer… not a bunch of randoms on an internet forum. Get the papers done quick, though. Old expression “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!” is 500% true.
    You basically will need to forget about your daughter. Sorry, but you need to face the facts on that one. Pretend she is living on the moon or something and Skype weekly, but trying to fight to see her and spending a ton on travel will only cause you frustration and financial ruin (as well as mess up the kid with you and your ex bickering and likely bad-mouthing one another). Again, your ex is keeping your daughter away… you are doing nothing wrong. Move on with your life. Your daughter will also adjust to her new situation if you have a frank discussion with her that you are happy for her but you are not going to be able to see her anymore being in different countries. She will have a good cry and so will you, and then the recovery can start. The more you struggle in vain, the more it will confuse everyone.
    The best things to do when you are not happy is… do some things that make you happy (duh). Use fitness or friends or meditation or hobbies or whatever you enjoy (besides over-indulging vices) to get back to normal; structure and schedule those things so you don’t get lazy and just surf the net or do unproductive stuff instead. Nature sounds can be helpful for sleep and yoga or prayer (if you’re into that) for calm. You are by yourself now… so it’s a great time to focus on yourself. Be selfish! Embrace your own personal self growth and develop your body and your mind. Consider it a relief that you don’t have to prioritize anything above yourself and your happiness for awhile if you don’t want to. No need to have grass growing under your feet anymore… at least not for awhile.
    When you feel that you’re ready for it, probably google “red pill” male development like revolutionarylifestyledesign or rationalmale or similar. There are dozens. You will learn about female hypergamy, male alpha and beta traits, dating and development, etc. “Married Man Sex Life Primer” paperback book by Kay is an excellent one to start with (principles apply even though you’re not married anymore). You will unfortunately realize that you did a classic beta move of putting your wife on a pedestal and also cultivated a situation with many physically fit men who were more alpha and better partners than you being in her proximity every day, and her hypergamy did what is natural in that situation (exchange a lesser mate for a greater one). What happened was actually the expected result given the situation. Any other woman would’ve done the same; the only variation would be how long before her thoughts turned to actions and it actually happened. The same thing would happen to me if I was the “sure, baby, let me know what you want do” type of guy and my girlfriend was taking a new job as a personal trainer for male bodybuilders or a stewardess with young male pilots. Sure, you’re mad, but turn it into a learning opportunity. The sooner you can begin to focus on being your best self and having and abundance rather than scarcity mentality, the better you will enjoy life.
    You will do well, man… it gets easier once you start to cut the chains holding you back. Journey of a thousand miles starts with the first steps, ya know? Give the attorney a directive that you just want it over and will take no money from her but also want no child support, and you want video chats with your daughter and visitation window open should they move back state side. GL

    …Plus a kid needs both parents. They just do. I am guessing the plan is to then move wherever she does for residency?…

    Yikes. This “kids need both parents” and “move wherever [ex] does” is some of the most questionable, creepy, and old-school advice I’ve ever seen.

    Kids need shelter and food and water… a bit of sunshine, clothing, exercise, socialization, and medical care obviously helps too. Yes, they will do best with good masculine and feminine people in their lives to model, but that influence and example coming from biological parents is far from a “need.” They will have teachers, friends, community members, bosses, coaches, authors, and tons of people in real life and online to learn from.

    The only reason adopted kids often have issues about meeting their “real” parents is because everyone tells them they should have been raised by them (and there is a lot of sexual abuse in foreign orphanages, but that’s another issue). They would be fine aside from being bombarded with the cultural norms, which you are clearly propagating here. Just because you may have grown up with a “both parents” family or you wish for your kids to have one does not make it the only path to success. Mortality of birthing mothers and fathers dying in wars was sky high historically, yet many of the offspring did great. Personally, I know there are very possibly dozens of ‘my’ kids sired from years of school and residency donations who are probably all doing fine, and I’ve never met a one of them or been told their names. There are millions, probably billions, of people all over the world raised by single parents, divorced parents, distant relatives, adoptive parent(s), or even basically raised by the village who are nonetheless thriving as adults.

    …For this guy to even consider limiting and interrupting his training, career, or life plan and enjoyment to move to where his ex goes for training or work is insane. That is called beta supplication (or stalking… or control freak, depending on your viewpoint). Beta supplication is largely what got him into this mess in the first place, and why would he now re-shape his chance at new independent life?? His ex clearly doesn’t want him in their lives right now (and she controls the daughter, trust me… or he can ask his attorney about that). That she wants him to go away and stay away is crystal clear by her actions thus far; again, ask the attorney… or risk restraining order by moving to her residency city and making unwelcome contact. You are not going to win a game (custody) where she gets the first move, wins all ties, and is basically allowed to cheat. Win by not playing. Having a rough agreement of two weekends monthly when they move back to USA would be logical. His ex’s living location and mood may change over time, it may not… but time marches on no matter what. Living and succeeding at YOUR life is never a bad move. “Things have a way of righting themselves.”

    #196584 Reply
    Avatar adventure 
    Participant
    Status: Spouse
    Posts: 1035
    Joined: 10/24/2016
    Wow… rough one. Crazy situation to ever be in. If you are indeed trying to learn the lesson and move on, then do that asap.
    A couple quick pearls for you:
    1) marriage and family court is a place where females hold all the trump cards (not unlike many other places), so expect to be screwed. Legal marriage is never a good idea, but too little too late on that, eh?
    2) your lawyer is NOT your friend or buddy or listener; they are there to make money… and they bill you by the minute and per email. It is purely a professional service, so have direct questions and goals listed and get this done asap. If you need a listener, use your buddies or family or a therapist… much cheaper than your lawyer.
    3) you have a TREMENDOUS self growth opportunity coming up here; how you handle this will decide the course of the rest of your life. If you don’t detach and learn from this, it will put you into a series of bad decisions and poor emotion control that will ruin you emotionally and financially (probably hamper or ruin you professionally also). I know it is tough, but you need to learn the key lessons and MOVE ON asap. Quitting is fine! Learn the lesson and move on. There are other places to live and plenty of other women to date and plenty of other missions in life which you can enjoy. Even if you don’t want to quit yet, well, too bad… your ex already quit on you quite awhile ago (predictably, see below) and she controls your daughter, so get done the legal separation and get started with self growth and the rest of your life.
    .
    …your attorney is the one to ask about the money and divorce issues (but I get it if you wanted to vent here). As for money, you should consider it a big success if you can pay zero child support while your ex and kid are living abroad (but expect to pay some if she moves back to USA). I doubt you will get any alimony due to being the man and it being a fairly short marriage, but again, ask the lawyer… not a bunch of randoms on an internet forum. Get the papers done quick, though. Old expression “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!” is 500% true.
    You basically will need to forget about your daughter. Sorry, but you need to face the facts on that one. Pretend she is living on the moon or something and Skype weekly, but trying to fight to see her and spending a ton on travel will only cause you frustration and financial ruin (as well as mess up the kid with you and your ex bickering and likely bad-mouthing one another). Again, your ex is keeping your daughter away… you are doing nothing wrong. Move on with your life. Your daughter will also adjust to her new situation if you have a frank discussion with her that you are happy for her but you are not going to be able to see her anymore being in different countries. She will have a good cry and so will you, and then the recovery can start. The more you struggle in vain, the more it will confuse everyone.
    The best things to do when you are not happy is… do some things that make you happy (duh). Use fitness or friends or meditation or hobbies or whatever you enjoy (besides over-indulging vices) to get back to normal; structure and schedule those things so you don’t get lazy and just surf the net or do unproductive stuff instead. Nature sounds can be helpful for sleep and yoga or prayer (if you’re into that) for calm. You are by yourself now… so it’s a great time to focus on yourself. Be selfish! Embrace your own personal self growth and develop your body and your mind. Consider it a relief that you don’t have to prioritize anything above yourself and your happiness for awhile if you don’t want to. No need to have grass growing under your feet anymore… at least not for awhile.
    When you feel that you’re ready for it, probably google “red pill” male development like revolutionarylifestyledesign or rationalmale or similar. There are dozens. You will learn about female hypergamy, male alpha and beta traits, dating and development, etc. “Married Man Sex Life Primer” paperback book by Kay is an excellent one to start with (principles apply even though you’re not married anymore). You will unfortunately realize that you did a classic beta move of putting your wife on a pedestal and also cultivated a situation with many physically fit men who were more alpha and better partners than you being in her proximity every day, and her hypergamy did what is natural in that situation (exchange a lesser mate for a greater one). What happened was actually the expected result given the situation. Any other woman would’ve done the same; the only variation would be how long before her thoughts turned to actions and it actually happened. The same thing would happen to me if I was the “sure, baby, let me know what you want do” type of guy and my girlfriend was taking a new job as a personal trainer for male bodybuilders or a stewardess with young male pilots. Sure, you’re mad, but turn it into a learning opportunity. The sooner you can begin to focus on being your best self and having and abundance rather than scarcity mentality, the better you will enjoy life.
    You will do well, man… it gets easier once you start to cut the chains holding you back. Journey of a thousand miles starts with the first steps, ya know? Give the attorney a directive that you just want it over and will take no money from her but also want no child support, and you want video chats with your daughter and visitation window open should they move back state side. GL
    Click to expand…

    I agree with a lot of this, and think the option/oppurtunity to walk away with nothing, oweing nothing is one that should be considered.

    Give the attorney a directive that you just want it over and will take no money from her but also want no child support

    Click to expand…

    Something to consider. You will grow through this, and you’ll make it. Keep on.

    #196592 Reply
    Avatar Queue 
    Participant
    Status: Resident, Spouse
    Posts: 84
    Joined: 03/26/2017
    Wow… rough one. Crazy situation to ever be in. If you are indeed trying to learn the lesson and move on, then do that asap.

    Click to expand…

    Thanks for the response IntensiveCareBear. Along with @adventure, I agree with parts of what you wrote. Generally I think you’re spot on with children being able to thrive regardless of their parental situation. What matters most is that the parents/role models/village they have are loving and supportive.

    As I’ve stated before, this thread was partly to vent yes, but then also to specifically ask whether the amount of alimony I’m asking for is fair. I’ve gotten lots of opinions on lots of other topics, which is entertaining and sometimes helpful, so again, I appreciate you taking the time to respond with your thoughts.

    I fully expect my lawyer to have a timer by his phone/computer so that he can bill me by the minute. My therapist charges a lot less and is great, so that’s who I “talk” to 🙂

    You will grow through this, and you’ll make it. Keep on.

    Click to expand…

    Just keep swimming.

    #196709 Reply
    Lordosis Lordosis 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 338
    Joined: 02/11/2019
    You basically will need to forget about your daughter. Sorry, but you need to face the facts on that one. Pretend she is living on the moon or something and Skype weekly, but trying to fight to see her and spending a ton on travel will only cause you frustration and financial ruin (as well as mess up the kid with you and your ex bickering and likely bad-mouthing one another). Again, your ex is keeping your daughter away… you are doing nothing wrong. Move on with your life. Your daughter will also adjust to her new situation if you have a frank discussion with her that you are happy for her but you are not going to be able to see her anymore being in different countries. She will have a good cry and so will you, and then the recovery can start. The more you struggle in vain, the more it will confuse everyone.

     

    Click to expand…

    I would like to hazard a guess that you never had kids.  Or at least never enjoyed having kids.

     

    This is not like losing the house or the dog.  This is his kid.  Sometimes we have to do things that do not make financial sense.

    “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.”

    Avatar Tim 
    Participant
    Status: Accountant
    Posts: 1443
    Joined: 09/18/2018

    “Sometimes we have to do things that do not make financial sense.” Understatement.

    I don’t know a loving father or mother that would not sacrifice life and career to save their child and allow the child to live a normal happy life . You work for your family first, take the scraps.

    #196927 Reply
    Avatar SValleyMD 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 382
    Joined: 05/12/2016

    Beta male here. I wouldn’t think twice about chasing my ex around to be with my kids. Couldn’t care less about my career. Wouldn’t care or think twice about the cheating ex (if she chooses that path).. But take my kids away and my world would be ruined.. But to each their own. Good luck man, tough situation.

    #196928 Reply
    Avatar benign_user 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 43
    Joined: 01/14/2016

    I’d like to apologize for the length of this post from the get go.

    I have two reasons for typing all this up. One is to help vent frustration and the other is to get the input from people whose financial opinions I respect. I’ll try and give what I consider relevant details surrounding my situation while keeping things as anonymous as possible.

    My wife and I will have been married 6 years this May. We have a 2.5 year old daughter. We got engaged in 2012, a couple of months before she started med school and have lived together ever since. She graduated med school in 2016. As of May of 2018 we were living in Japan as part of a military commitment. The plan was for us to be there until 2020, then move back to the states for her to finish her residency. In May of 2018 I found out my wife was having an affair with one of the docs she worked with. I tried to talk her into marriage counseling many times as I believed our marriage to be worth saving, but she declined. In June of 2018 she filed an Early Return of Dependent to force me to move back to the US. I met with a lawyer on base and they confirmed that I didn’t have any choice on whether to stay or not. So I moved back to the states and have been living with my parents since. The affair continued for several months after I found out. In Sept of 2018 they decided to discontinue the affair until the divorce is final, at which point they both intend on continuing the relationship. I have gone back over to Japan on two separate occasions to take care of our daughter due to my wife’s TDY schedule. I graduated from college with a degree in Industrial Engineering but always hated it, and before we got married it was understood that I would pursue a different career. I worked many odd jobs while my wife was in school to help support us, but they were sporadic due to moving around a lot, and mostly minimum wage. During this time I decided to pursue becoming a commercial pilot. I got my private license and accrued 150 flight hours before we left for Japan. The plan was for me to continue training once we got back to the states. I’m now in a program with a regional airline and will be flying for them after my training ends in late 2019/early 2020.

    I have always been the more frugal spouse while my wife has a taste for more frequent spending as well as expensive things. I would try and temper her spending and ensure that we contributed what we could to our retirement accounts. I had no problem delaying the gratification until after she became an attending and I got my career up and running.

    We both have retained divorce lawyers and we have agreed to have a mediation hearing in the upcoming month to attempt to come to an agreement on the separation of property, alimony, and child custody. I will be having a strategy meeting with my lawyer soon to decide how to proceed during the mediation, but I wanted the forum’s input on what you consider fair to help me have a more focused conversation during the strategy meeting. I have read up on our state’s alimony laws and alimony can be served in 4 flavors. Rehabilitation, Transitional, Alimony in Futuro, Alimony in Solido.

    My wife currently brings home ~6k/month after taxes. Because she lives on base she does not pay rent or utilities. Additionally she does not pay for health care. She expects her income to go down slightly while she is in residency (she has ~2 years left to complete). I would then expect her income to go up to around 150-200k. My flight training does not allow for me to work a full time job. It’s possible I could work part time as an instructor some this year, but as of now my income for 2019 will be $0. I can reasonably expect my income from flying to be 30k in 2020. Then up to 70k in 2021 and am unsure what it might be after that. We have a total of about 25k in our retirement accounts right now. She has about 230k in student debt and is pursuing PSLF. I have 10k in debt from a personal loan from family.

    Given all this, what would you consider as fair alimony? Are there pieces of information that I left out that might be important? I’m not interested in “sticking it to her”. I just want to make sure I have a realistic idea of what is fair.

    Thanks to all who read this. I appreciate any and all input, both financial or personal, in particular if you have gone through something similar.

    Click to expand…

    I agree with the others have noted. To answer your question you can reasonably be assured that child support will cancel out any possible alimony that you may receive. It really doesn’t matter what you want or expect. When attorneys come into the picture they’ll fight to get their clients the maximum benefit. Your wife is very unlikely to agree upon any Alimony to you. If I were you I would try to get out of paying any child-support as that would cause you to not be able to pursue the flight program you are in.

    #196992 Reply
    Avatar MSooner 
    Participant
    Status: Spouse
    Posts: 127
    Joined: 02/25/2016

    In just 16 years your daughter will be a legal adult…that’s a small portion of her lifetime and her potential relationship with you. Fight like hell to be a part of her life now. Even if you cant be with her as much as you want. Even if mom pulls crappy moves to try and push you out of her life. At some point she will be old enough to understand/figure out what actually happened and mom is going to have to answer to why she did what she did. That’s her burden to deal with someday, and I bet she hasn’t thought that one through.

    If you give up on her now, you can expect a distant relationship at most when she is an adult. If you keep doing everything you can, I think there is hope for you to be close later on.

    This whole situation sucks and I wish you the best. But definitely don’t give up on your kid.

    #197301 Reply
    Avatar Tim 
    Participant
    Status: Accountant
    Posts: 1443
    Joined: 09/18/2018

    “ If you keep doing everything you can, I think there is hope for you to be close later on.”

    One of your greatest achievements in life is honor of giving your daughter away! Fight with everything you got, then get back up and fight some more.

    #197343 Reply
    Liked by ACPC
    Avatar Queue 
    Participant
    Status: Resident, Spouse
    Posts: 84
    Joined: 03/26/2017
    This whole situation sucks and I wish you the best. But definitely don’t give up on your kid.

    Click to expand…
    One of your greatest achievements in life is honor of giving your daughter away!

    Click to expand…

    Of course I’ll never give up on her. I plan on being a pain in the butt to whoever she decides is a worthy partner sometime in the future 🙂

    #197347 Reply
    Avatar nolamd84 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 80
    Joined: 01/08/2016

    This red pill stuff is so gross.

    #199786 Reply
    Avatar fatlittlepig 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 468
    Joined: 01/26/2017
    Wow… rough one. Crazy situation to ever be in. If you are indeed trying to learn the lesson and move on, then do that asap.
    A couple quick pearls for you:
    1) marriage and family court is a place where females hold all the trump cards (not unlike many other places), so expect to be screwed. Legal marriage is never a good idea, but too little too late on that, eh?
    2) your lawyer is NOT your friend or buddy or listener; they are there to make money… and they bill you by the minute and per email. It is purely a professional service, so have direct questions and goals listed and get this done asap. If you need a listener, use your buddies or family or a therapist… much cheaper than your lawyer.
    3) you have a TREMENDOUS self growth opportunity coming up here; how you handle this will decide the course of the rest of your life. If you don’t detach and learn from this, it will put you into a series of bad decisions and poor emotion control that will ruin you emotionally and financially (probably hamper or ruin you professionally also). I know it is tough, but you need to learn the key lessons and MOVE ON asap. Quitting is fine! Learn the lesson and move on. There are other places to live and plenty of other women to date and plenty of other missions in life which you can enjoy. Even if you don’t want to quit yet, well, too bad… your ex already quit on you quite awhile ago (predictably, see below) and she controls your daughter, so get done the legal separation and get started with self growth and the rest of your life.
    .
    …your attorney is the one to ask about the money and divorce issues (but I get it if you wanted to vent here). As for money, you should consider it a big success if you can pay zero child support while your ex and kid are living abroad (but expect to pay some if she moves back to USA). I doubt you will get any alimony due to being the man and it being a fairly short marriage, but again, ask the lawyer… not a bunch of randoms on an internet forum. Get the papers done quick, though. Old expression “Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!” is 500% true.
    You basically will need to forget about your daughter. Sorry, but you need to face the facts on that one. Pretend she is living on the moon or something and Skype weekly, but trying to fight to see her and spending a ton on travel will only cause you frustration and financial ruin (as well as mess up the kid with you and your ex bickering and likely bad-mouthing one another). Again, your ex is keeping your daughter away… you are doing nothing wrong. Move on with your life. Your daughter will also adjust to her new situation if you have a frank discussion with her that you are happy for her but you are not going to be able to see her anymore being in different countries. She will have a good cry and so will you, and then the recovery can start. The more you struggle in vain, the more it will confuse everyone.
    The best things to do when you are not happy is… do some things that make you happy (duh). Use fitness or friends or meditation or hobbies or whatever you enjoy (besides over-indulging vices) to get back to normal; structure and schedule those things so you don’t get lazy and just surf the net or do unproductive stuff instead. Nature sounds can be helpful for sleep and yoga or prayer (if you’re into that) for calm. You are by yourself now… so it’s a great time to focus on yourself. Be selfish! Embrace your own personal self growth and develop your body and your mind. Consider it a relief that you don’t have to prioritize anything above yourself and your happiness for awhile if you don’t want to. No need to have grass growing under your feet anymore… at least not for awhile.
    When you feel that you’re ready for it, probably google “red pill” male development like revolutionarylifestyledesign or rationalmale or similar. There are dozens. You will learn about female hypergamy, male alpha and beta traits, dating and development, etc. “Married Man Sex Life Primer” paperback book by Kay is an excellent one to start with (principles apply even though you’re not married anymore). You will unfortunately realize that you did a classic beta move of putting your wife on a pedestal and also cultivated a situation with many physically fit men who were more alpha and better partners than you being in her proximity every day, and her hypergamy did what is natural in that situation (exchange a lesser mate for a greater one). What happened was actually the expected result given the situation. Any other woman would’ve done the same; the only variation would be how long before her thoughts turned to actions and it actually happened. The same thing would happen to me if I was the “sure, baby, let me know what you want do” type of guy and my girlfriend was taking a new job as a personal trainer for male bodybuilders or a stewardess with young male pilots. Sure, you’re mad, but turn it into a learning opportunity. The sooner you can begin to focus on being your best self and having and abundance rather than scarcity mentality, the better you will enjoy life.
    You will do well, man… it gets easier once you start to cut the chains holding you back. Journey of a thousand miles starts with the first steps, ya know? Give the attorney a directive that you just want it over and will take no money from her but also want no child support, and you want video chats with your daughter and visitation window open should they move back state side. GL

    …Plus a kid needs both parents. They just do. I am guessing the plan is to then move wherever she does for residency?…

    Yikes. This “kids need both parents” and “move wherever [ex] does” is some of the most questionable, creepy, and old-school advice I’ve ever seen.

    Kids need shelter and food and water… a bit of sunshine, clothing, exercise, socialization, and medical care obviously helps too. Yes, they will do best with good masculine and feminine people in their lives to model, but that influence and example coming from biological parents is far from a “need.” They will have teachers, friends, community members, bosses, coaches, authors, and tons of people in real life and online to learn from.

    The only reason adopted kids often have issues about meeting their “real” parents is because everyone tells them they should have been raised by them (and there is a lot of sexual abuse in foreign orphanages, but that’s another issue). They would be fine aside from being bombarded with the cultural norms, which you are clearly propagating here. Just because you may have grown up with a “both parents” family or you wish for your kids to have one does not make it the only path to success. Mortality of birthing mothers and fathers dying in wars was sky high historically, yet many of the offspring did great. Personally, I know there are very possibly dozens of ‘my’ kids sired from years of school and residency donations who are probably all doing fine, and I’ve never met a one of them or been told their names. There are millions, probably billions, of people all over the world raised by single parents, divorced parents, distant relatives, adoptive parent(s), or even basically raised by the village who are nonetheless thriving as adults.

    …For this guy to even consider limiting and interrupting his training, career, or life plan and enjoyment to move to where his ex goes for training or work is insane. That is called beta supplication (or stalking… or control freak, depending on your viewpoint). Beta supplication is largely what got him into this mess in the first place, and why would he now re-shape his chance at new independent life?? His ex clearly doesn’t want him in their lives right now (and she controls the daughter, trust me… or he can ask his attorney about that). That she wants him to go away and stay away is crystal clear by her actions thus far; again, ask the attorney… or risk restraining order by moving to her residency city and making unwelcome contact. You are not going to win a game (custody) where she gets the first move, wins all ties, and is basically allowed to cheat. Win by not playing. Having a rough agreement of two weekends monthly when they move back to USA would be logical. His ex’s living location and mood may change over time, it may not… but time marches on no matter what. Living and succeeding at YOUR life is never a bad move. “Things have a way of righting themselves.”

    Click to expand…

    Fatlittlepig temporarily coming out of retirement to comment on how asinine your post is. Forget about your daughter, blah blah alpha beta male blah blah. Where do you read this crap.

    Avatar IntensiveCareBear 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 55
    Joined: 12/22/2018

    fatlittlepig wrote:

    Click to expand…

    Fatlittlepig temporarily coming out of retirement to comment on how asinine your post is. Forget about your daughter, blah blah alpha beta male blah blah. Where do you read this crap.

    Click to expand…

    Maybe you missed the original post:

    “…we were living in Japan as part of a military commitment. The plan was for us to be there until 2020…

    …In June of 2018 she filed an Early Return of Dependent to force me to move back to the US. I met with a lawyer on base and they confirmed that I didn’t have any choice on whether to stay or not. So I moved back to the states and have been living with my parents since…”

    The man is basically kicked out of the continent… not just out of a house or a city or a county or even a state or country. He was forced to be an ocean away with basically no money. This was not by his choosing. Women control the child(ren) over 90% of the time in divorce, and this will be no exception.

    I merely suggested he focus on rebuilding himself regardless of his ex’s choices, and sure, he can hope they might eventually move within driving distance so that it is more feasible to physically see his daughter. Chasing his ex wife (and the daughter she will now control, for better or for worse) to the ends of the Earth – almost literally, is a fool’s errand from an emotional, financial, physical health, or self growth standpoint. I fully suggested Skyping or whatever is logical, but flipping your new life upside down to try and influence something you have virtually no control over is insanity.

    Circumstances may change for him in the future and they may not. It is clearly best to play the hand he is currently dealt and go on with a new life. He started the thread to vent and get ideas, and he got a plethora of white knight ones, realist ones, and all kinds. It is ultimately his decision. GL

    #199892 Reply

Reply To: Divorce/Alimony – trying to be fair and move on

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