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Divorce/Alimony – trying to be fair and move on

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  • Avatar DCdoc 
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    That is yet another punch in the gut. I’m sorry. I couldn’t imagine losing my marriage and time with my daughter and being booted out.

    #194182 Reply
    Avatar Tim 
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    I don’t want to make the wrong decisions just because I believe I deserve alimony. But at the same time, I don’t want to be punished financially for doing what I think is the right thing.

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    Separate the two issues.

    Alimony and custody.  She already indicated a fight on custody, what was her reaction on alimony? It is not a matter of “deserving” or “punishment” or the “right thing”. It does not sound like she will be willing to capitulate on anything. Hire the attorney for advice not to fight the battle. Your attorney and her’s will definately feel they “deserve to get paid”.

     

    #194184 Reply
    Avatar Queue 
    Participant
    Status: Resident, Spouse
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    Joined: 03/26/2017

    It’s taken a good long while to accept that it’s my reality now. Needless to say I’m ready to look toward the future instead of being pissed all the time about the past.

    #194187 Reply
    Avatar DCdoc 
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    Divorce lawyers get paid when conflict and disagreement between spouses exist. And they are expensive. The more you and your ex are in agreement, the easier and cheaper the whole process becomes. I’m not making a judgment call on alimony. What I think doesn’t matter. It’s clear you think you deserve alimony. What amount do you think is fair? Have you broached the subject at all with your ex? Do you know what she thinks? If you are in agreement, the process becomes much easier. But if the spouses don’t agree, that’s when you or her need to decide how strongly you feel and the expenses of litigation. For your sake, perhaps she feels like you regarding some monetary suppprt for a limited duration of time. Perhaps 2-3 years. You compromised on custody. Hopefully that benefits you in terms of her thoughts on alimony.

    #194194 Reply
    Liked by q-school
    Avatar Kamban 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 08/01/2016

    I see some of you saying that child support and alimony will essentially cancel each other out. I certainly hope that’s not the case as im currently at the mercy of my parent’s charity and if Im forced to find full time work to sustain myself it will likely postpone my flying career by a year or two. I understand that might happen, but it certainly wouldn’t be what I would consider fair given the circumstances. I made it clear to my wife that I want our daughter to live with me, but she’s willing to fight me tooth and nail to keep her. The fact is our daughter attends a great Japanese daycare and has good friends where she is and I hate to uproot her just because I’m being forced out of her everyday life. It’s certainly a very tough situation to be in with no easy answers. Maybe I’m just throwing myself under the bus by agreeing that she stay in Japan for now, and while I don’t like it, I believe it’s what is best for her. I don’t want to make the wrong decisions just because I believe I deserve alimony. But at the same time, I don’t want to be punished financially for doing what I think is the right thing.

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    I am going to brutally honest here.

    You are focusing too much on alimony and support to you since you have no income and have sacrificed yourself for her while she was in med school. I feel that even though this is right, and happens a lot to wives while their husbands are in med school / residency / career, this is a bit of a losing battle for you.

    The bigger elephant in the room is the child custody. She is in Japan. She has effectively booted you out of that country. She has enrolled your daughter in a “nice” daycare that you do not want to disrupt. She holds all the cards right now. If you do not seek custody now and wait till she comes to US to ask for any visitation let alone 50% custody, you are unlikely to get anything. At that time I doubt any judge here will side with you. She has stated she will fight tooth and nail for custody and I can see what she is aiming for and where this will end up with in the next few years. If you don’t focus on this, you will lose everything.

    Avatar DCdoc 
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    Status: Physician
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    I haven’t reviewed the original post, but are you sure she’s going to return? She’s still in a relationship with the other man? What if she stays geographically with him? Even if she does return, will you be in the sane city? Or across the country from one another. The money issue is a relatively small thing. Even if you get alimony it’s going to be a relatively small amount. She doesn’t make a ton of money currently, and I’m sure things like daycare aren’t cheap. This is your daughter. She’s kept her and kicked you out of the country. It’s probably hard for you to even visit her given the expenses a flight would entail. How will you see him in the next couple years before the ex (hopefully) returns to the US?

    #194204 Reply
    Liked by Kamban
    Avatar G 
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    I see some of you saying that child support and alimony will essentially cancel each other out. I certainly hope that’s not the case as im currently at the mercy of my parent’s charity and if Im forced to find full time work to sustain myself it will likely postpone my flying career by a year or two. I understand that might happen, but it certainly wouldn’t be what I would consider fair given the circumstances. I made it clear to my wife that I want our daughter to live with me, but she’s willing to fight me tooth and nail to keep her. The fact is our daughter attends a great Japanese daycare and has good friends where she is and I hate to uproot her just because I’m being forced out of her everyday life. It’s certainly a very tough situation to be in with no easy answers. Maybe I’m just throwing myself under the bus by agreeing that she stay in Japan for now, and while I don’t like it, I believe it’s what is best for her. I don’t want to make the wrong decisions just because I believe I deserve alimony. But at the same time, I don’t want to be punished financially for doing what I think is the right thing. 

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    I am going to brutality honest here.

    You are focusing too much on alimony and support to you since you have no income and have sacrificed yourself for her while she was in med school. I feel that even though this is right, and happens a lot to wives while their husbands are in med school / residency / career, this is a bit of a losing battle for you.

    The bigger elephant in the room is the child custody. She is in Japan. She has effectively booted you out of that country. She has enrolled your daughter in a “nice” daycare that you do not want to disrupt. She holds all the cards right now. If you do not seek custody now and wait till she comes to US to ask for any visitation let alone 50% custody, you are unlikely to get anything. At that time I doubt any judge here will side with you. She has stated she will fight tooth and nail for custody and I can see what she is aiming for and where this will end up with in the next few years. If you don’t focus on this, you will lose everything.

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    I’m going to echo Kamban here.  The money doesn’t matter.  Having as much access to your little girl as possible is the only objective.  If I read your initial post correctly, your daughter has not lived with you since LAST SUMMER?  Please tell me that you are seeing her regularly?  Skyping?

    On this forum, we talk about “too much in my retirement account” or “w-2 vs 1099” or “more taxes”…this is all BS compared to the gift/duty of being a dad and raising a child.

    I am sorry that you are going through this.

    #194211 Reply
    Avatar Larry Ragman 
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    Status: Other Professional
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    Joined: 08/30/2018

    I’m so sorry you are going through this.

    I’m not saying you should take this tack. But depending on the circumstances, adultery can be a crime under the UCMJ. Your wife knows this, and this is why they have (at least outwardly) terminated the affair until the divorce is final. Especially given that it was with another doctor she works with. I can tell you that working with doctors who are having affairs with each other affects the military unit(s) they are in.

    You do have some rights in this situation, including the right to your military healthcare and the benefits that your military ID affords you, until the divorce is final. Make sure your attorney is familiar with law as it pertains to divorce in the military. Since it’s only 6 years, won’t affect much after the divorce but you have rights during the separation period.

    Finally, plenty of spouses get custody of their child (and are awesome parents) despite not having a stable career. Do what’s best for your daughter, now and in the future.

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    I want to second Anne in this. You absolutely have rights as a military spouse, including support. It doesn’t matter where you live as long as you are married. On the other hand, the law protects her from divorce as a military member while she is overseas. While not necessarily who you should use in your custody battle or divorce (they will be biased to the service member), the local JAG can educate you about your rights as a parent and spouse. Here is a link to help get you started if you are not already engaged with them. https://www.military.com/benefits/military-legal-matters/legal-assistance-and-jag/free-legal-assistance.html

    And, if you have not done so, learn about the Uniformed Services Former Spouse Protection Act. See  http://www.military.com/benefits/military-legal-matters/uniformed-services-former-spouse-protection-overview.

    And,

     

    #194233 Reply
    MPMD MPMD 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 1967
    Joined: 05/01/2017

    For the sake of this post I am taking the OP at his word that all of this is true.

    If it is all true I am troubled but not surprised that your wife was able to have you physically removed to another continent thousands of miles away from your daughter but she is going to skate on the prohibition against infidelity in the UCMJ. That to me is a demonstration of wanton cruelty by her and her superior officers. If there is no provision in a case like this to force her to relocate so you can see your daughter well… that is… [insert word that would have been removed by mods anyway]

    Hank Hank 
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    Any sanction against the other military doctor?  If this was her superior or rater, then things are just that much worse.

    I’d think your daughter ought to return to the States with you.  In the alternative, your soon to be ex should pay most or all of the cost for you to fly out for visitations.  After all, she was the one who took the initiative to have you removed from Japan.

    #194236 Reply
    SerrateAndDominate SerrateAndDominate 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 02/01/2018

    Any sanction against the other military doctor?  If this was her superior or rater, then things are just that much worse.

    I’d think your daughter ought to return to the States with you.  In the alternative, your soon to be ex should pay most or all of the cost for you to fly out for visitations.  After all, she was the one who took the initiative to have you removed from Japan.

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    I was thinking the same. And if that guy is married, I’d sure as heck make sure his spouse knew, too. Does it sound petty? Maybe, but his wife sure as heck has a right to know like the OP did

     

    Whole situation sucks.  Sorry to hear about it. Keep grinding

     

    Earn everything.

    #194238 Reply
    Liked by PhotonsRGR8
    q-school q-school 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 05/07/2017

    i know nothing of this personally, but i speculate that it will be hard to protect your visitation rights and try to be ‘fair’ at the same time.  the lawyers are going to battle each other and if you want future visitation, you can’t just present the (logical) case that it makes sense for daughter to stay there right now.  their lawyer is going to argue that it just makes sense in the future for her to stay with mom and that you are a disinterested parent if you aren’t fighting for 50/50 right now.  yada yada yada.  lawyers will bill a lot, things will eventually get settled after year of arguing and negotiating, but basically the year will be filled with discussions about you can’t just give away privileges, you need her to trade something for privileges, even if it makes sense.  have to fight for daughter like a tiger mom.  slippery slope to the bottom.

    i am indeed sorry you are going through this.

    good luck, and especially to your daughter.

     

    #194240 Reply
    Liked by Anne, Kamban
    Avatar PhotonsRGR8 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 07/24/2017

    Does the state in which you were married not have a bad boy/ bad girl clause? I am not an attorney. But logically you had a child together. She was then unfaithful to you in Japan and had you removed from the country denying your parental rights. If all this is true, why would you not get alimony until you are self-sufficient professionally? If you made documented efforts to save your relationship, another poster characterized this as cruel and I would agree. I think the circumstances would be viewed differently if you were the doctor’s “wife”. I am relieved that you say you’re handling this with equanimity. I couldn’t. Per your post, your spouse behaved dishonorably as a wife, parent and military officer. That’s a trifecta. I would get an aggressive lawyer.

    #194246 Reply
    Liked by mapplebum
    Avatar Doc Spouse 
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    First of all, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.   Secondly, a service member (officer or enlisted) committing infidelity isn’t a small thing in the military.  I’ve watched many careers destroyed because of it, and my experiences with the commands in Japan made it seem like they take it more seriously than most.  May just be the OCONUS aspect of it.

    Depending on how you and your lawyer want to play this, the buck doesn’t stop with her commanding officer.  The other doc’s CO also needs to be contacted.  If it’s the same CO, then work your way up the chain to his CO, or even the IG can get involved if you feel it isn’t getting the necessary attention.

    I’ve seen general officers removed because they tried to cover up subordinate’s infidelity; so don’t just assume that you have no recourse in the military.  The more pressure you bring to bear, the more custody and alimony leverage you will have.  There are no guarantees, but don’t just roll over unless you want to.

     

    #194247 Reply
    Liked by portlandia, Kamban
    Craigy Craigy 
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    Joined: 09/16/2016

    Who you should be talking to about what’s fair for child support & alimony is your attorney.

    Edit to add – this is very complex, especially in your situation.  I would not base your own opinion off of the lay opinion of the internet.

    LEVEL 1 WCI FORUM MEMBER.

    #194252 Reply
    Liked by q-school, Hank

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