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Best jokes/shtick with patients?

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  • Drop it into MD Drop it into MD 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 09/20/2018

    Before a rectal exam I will say something to the tune of “Now this is why I got into medicine”

    Again you have to know your audience.

    #168846 Reply
    MPMD MPMD 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 05/01/2017

    Before a rectal exam I will say something to the tune of “Now this is why I got into medicine”

    Again you have to know your audience.

    Click to expand…

    there is nothing that puts a particular subset of patients so at ease as saying totally ridiculous stuff like this!

    you are right, patient selection is critical.

    #168856 Reply
    Liked by jfoxcpacfp, Zaphod
     Matas 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 07/09/2017

    While concluding an encounter with a stable patient with no indications for surgery I’ll sometimes say “Well, there is some bad news….. It looks like you’ve cheated me out of a good operation.”

    #169211 Reply
     AureliusMD 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 11/26/2018

    Not sure if it’s my best, but it’s my most often used. Usually gets a smile from the parents, confuses the kids long enough to do my thing.

     

    Me, to preschooler: Do you want me to listen to your heart first or your lungs first?

    Preschooler: *shakes head no*

    Me: Oh no, did you forget those at home today? I’d better check.

    #169864 Reply
    Drop it into MD Drop it into MD 
    Participant
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    Joined: 09/20/2018

    When my nurse asked a school-aged kid which arm he wanted his flu shot in he pointed to his fathers arm.

     

    #171632 Reply
     docwalk76 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 10/23/2017

    When doing a minor surgery under local.

    Me: “Whats your blood type?”

    Patient: Invariably “uhhh… I don’t know.  (worried silence)  Is something wrong?”

    Me: “Nope, everything is fine, just curious”

    Patient: Sigh of relief and laughter

    #171677 Reply
    Drop it into MD Drop it into MD 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 09/20/2018
    Splash Refinancing Bonus

    Patient:  My diabetes pills are making me gain weight!

    Me: I never realized those pills were so heavy?

    #171877 Reply
    Liked by jfoxcpacfp
    Dreamgiver Dreamgiver 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 03/09/2017

    Before inducing general anesthesia I tend to get funny, I think it is a way of venting stress from the inevitable leap of faith I make every time I put someone to sleep.

    “This is the least comfortable most expensive bed you’ll ever be on, enjoy every minute of it”

    “Here comes a little oxygen, cleanest air in the state right there, when all the patients leave for the day we come back to the OR and have a big oxygen party”

    “The oxygen is complimentary, sniff away”

    “Oxygen is compliments of [name of hospital system], you already paid for it, sniff away”

    “The bed is tiny, don’t move around, falling causes too much paperwork”

    When patient tells me they have a strong tolerance for drugs so anesthesia might not work, I tell them with a Schwarzenegger accent (or Rocky Balboa, depending on the amount of sleep I had the night before) ” I always win”

    When waking up, if the patient has a funny personality, first thing I tell them is that the sex change operation was successful

    If patient is a frequent flyer and has a funny personality, I thank them for supporting my kids’ college fund, or I tell them they don’t have to keep coming into the hospital, we can just go out for dinner together if they are that much into me, or I tell them that I love them but I do not want to see them again

    #172026 Reply
     G 
    Participant
    Status: Physician, Small Business Owner
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    Joined: 01/08/2016
    When waking up, if the patient has a funny personality, first thing I tell them is that the sex change operation was successful

    Click to expand…

    I’d like to see a study comparing that line to push-dose pressors!

    #172033 Reply
    Liked by Dreamgiver
    MPMD MPMD 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 1582
    Joined: 05/01/2017

    When patient tells me they have a strong tolerance for drugs so anesthesia might not work, I tell them with a Schwarzenegger accent (or Rocky Balboa, depending on the amount of sleep I had the night before) ” I always win”

     

    Click to expand…

    This reminds me of a joke one of my friends says (we are both EM).

    Referring to agitated patients (but obviously not speaking to them), “we have more haldol than you have crazy.”

    Another doc in my group says, “everyone has to cope, you can either cope or we can help you cope.”

     

     

    Another great story was the attending I had in residency who would go see narcotic seeking patients and claim with a totally straight face to have never heard of dilaudid. “I’ve been doing this for 20 years and I’ve never heard of or given that med.” There may be some ethical issues there but it generally led to the patient just sort of walking out confused but not really angry.

     Tim 
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    Joined: 09/18/2018

    Another point of view is from the patient side.

    Whitecoat hypertension. Very little research has been published. Is the cause due to the patient or physician?
    It could be the pressure felt by patients to smile and chuckle at bad jokes! Or it could be any encounter with a physician is no laughing matter to the patient.

    Think about the next time, “Dad, your jokes aren’t funny”.

    #172047 Reply
    Liked by Dreamgiver
    portlandia portlandia 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 07/07/2017

    Patient sees small amount of bleeding after a minor procedure and nervously declares, “I’m bleeding!” To which I respond, “All bleeding stops….eventually.”

    #172064 Reply

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