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Best jokes/shtick with patients?

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  •  JK 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/09/2016

    Every doctor has their own funny (yet professional of course) jokes or shtick they use with patients. I’ve been using a lot of the same stuff for awhile (patients still love it but MA/nurses are getting sick of the same routine) and was curious if anyone else has any good material? I’m outpatient and usually see patients back every 6-12 months if that matters at all. Also curious to see if some of the jokes/lines are universal or specialty specific.

    #149626 Reply
     G 
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    Status: Physician, Small Business Owner
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    Joined: 01/08/2016

    Not too bad for my first time, huh?  And I didn’t even have my glasses/coffee!

    #149629 Reply
    Liked by jfoxcpacfp
    Vagabond MD Vagabond MD 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/21/2016

    One of my favorite standing jokes was to greet a patient for a thyroid biopsy and say something along the lines of:

    “Hello, Mrs. Jones, we are going to start your Barium Enema now.”

    A favorite one-off was when I was doing a thoracentesis on an accented, dark skinned man, and I asked where he was from. He replied, “Nigeria.”

    “What a coincidence!” I replied. “I just received an email from a long, lost uncle from Nigeria who informed of a great fortune that has been left to me.”

    Everyone in the room was laughing, the patient the loudest.

    "Wealth is the slave of the wise man and the master of the fool.” -Seneca the Younger

    MPMD MPMD 
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    Great thread.

    I work at a pretty major center in a major city so when I admit I often say, “you’ll be staying at Chicago’s most expensive hotel.”

    Also sometimes if I walk in and see a lac, fracture, hematoma or something obvious I’ll give it the old, “I think I see your problem.”

    For shared decision making I’ll say, “if you were my brother I would recommend X, and keep in mind I like my brother.”

    all tend to get good laughs.

    #149633 Reply
     wideopenspaces 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/12/2016

    How have I been practicing this long without knowing I was supposed to have a comedy routine??
    I guess outpatient psychiatry is a little different 😉

    #149638 Reply
     MaxPower 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 02/22/2016

    I give a lot of hand/finger/wrist injections. Most frequently used joke is:

    Patient: “Is this going to hurt?”

    Me: “It doesn’t hurt me a bit…”

    Always gets a good laugh and seems to ease the tension.

    #149644 Reply
    MPMD MPMD 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    WCICon18

    I give a lot of hand/finger/wrist injections. Most frequently used joke is:

    Patient: “Is this going to hurt?”

    Me: “It doesn’t hurt me a bit…”

    Always gets a good laugh and seems to ease the tension.

    Click to expand…

    I love that!

    When I do local anesthesia and patients say “I’m going to close my eyes” I immediately say “me too!” and then when they are laughing the needle goes in.

    #149646 Reply
    jfoxcpacfp jfoxcpacfp 
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    My fallback CPA witticism (ok, a contradiction in terms) is:

    “There are 3 kinds of CPAs. Those who can count and those who can’t.”

    More doctor 1-liners please – I want to see more! You, too, @jk!

    Johanna Fox Turner, CPA, CFP, Fox Wealth Mgmt & Fox CPAs ~ 270-247-0555
    https://fox-cpas.com/for-doctors-only/

     MPDO 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/31/2018

    In rehab, there’s a focus on bowel and bladder management, so I use the following:

    If a patient hasn’t had a BM in a couple of days: “When I was 3 years old, I read a book called ‘Everybody Poops’…and so should you!”

    “Why did Piglet go into the bathroom? …he was looking for Pooh!”

    Also, when passing by a stroke/hip fracture patient walking with a therapist, I’ll say: “Looking good! …but, then again, you’re a good looking guy/gal!”

    #149656 Reply
    Liked by jfoxcpacfp
     GUtiger 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 03/18/2018

    Urologist. I have dozens. Best laugh with the old guys as they’re going under anesthesia is, “Don’t worry Mr. __, your sex change operation is going to go great.”

    #149678 Reply
    Lithium Lithium 
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    Status: Physician
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    “Can you put me back on my Xanax?”

    “No, we don’t prescribe that here.”

    ” My friend was here last week, and her doctor gave it to her. ”

    “Her insurance must be better than yours.”

     AlexxT 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/13/2016
    In rehab, there’s a focus on bowel and bladder management, so I use the following:

    Click to expand…

    3 old guys complaining about getting older.

    1st guy:  I have prostate trouble.  Every day at 7, I get up and try to pee.  I stand there for an hour, and if a drop comes out, I’m happy.

    2nd guy:  That’s nothing.  I have constipation.  Every day, I get up at 8, take ex-lax, eat prunes, and if a little pebble comes out, I’m happy.

    3rd guy:  You guys have it easy.  Me, every day at 7, I pee a quart.  Every day at 8, I have a huge bowel movement.

    “So, what are you complaining about?

    3rd guy:  I don’t wake up until 9.

     

     AlexxT 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
    Posts: 897
    Joined: 01/13/2016
    I give a lot of hand/finger/wrist injections. Most frequently used joke is: Patient: “Is this going to hurt?” Me: “It doesn’t hurt me a bit…”

    Click to expand…

    I use that one too!

    When I do local anesthesia and patients say “I’m going to close my eyes” I immediately say “me too!” and then when they are laughing the needle goes in.

    Click to expand…

    I do something similar.  If they ask how I can stand all the blood, I tell them I hate blood too.  That ‘s why I keep my eyes closed when i operate.  ( That’s when one of them suggested I watch Doc Martin )

    =============

    Sometime if I talk with an older patient about scars, they say ” I’m too old, I don’t care”.  Then I tell them that they are never too old to care:

    An 85 year old woman goes to the doctor, complaining of nausea, weight gain.  The doctor does all the tests: exam, blood, urine, ultrasound, and says: you’re pregnant.

    Woman:  How can that be, I’m 85?

    Doctor:  I can’t explain it, but there’s no doubt.

    Woman: But my husband is 95!

    Doctor:  Well, of course, a 95 year old man can still father a child

    Woman:  I need to call my husband

    Doctor: Use my phone

    Woman:   Hello, Sam?

    Husband:  Yes?

    Woman:  I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m at the doctor’s office, and I’m pregnant.

    Husband:  Oh no, that’s terrible…   Who is this?

    #149802 Reply
    Liked by Tim, jfoxcpacfp
     AlexxT 
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    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/13/2016
    For shared decision making I’ll say, “if you were my brother I would recommend X, and keep in mind I like my brother.”

    Click to expand…

    I take the opposite approach.  If they ask me what I would do for a family member, I say:  “I can tell you, but it won’t help you much, because I don’t like my family.”

    #149803 Reply
     AlexxT 
    Participant
    Status: Physician
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    Joined: 01/13/2016
    Urologist. I have dozens. Best laugh with the old guys as they’re going under anesthesia is, “Don’t worry Mr. __, your sex change operation is going to go great.”

    Click to expand…

    Well, in a similar vein ( no pun intended ) after doing a minor superficial procedure, I will sometimes tell the patient, or the family member, “no problem, we got that kidney out ok”.  Of course, I have to choose the patients carefully…

    #149804 Reply
    Liked by MPMD, jfoxcpacfp

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