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  • #16
    Originally posted by JBME View Post
    Tons and tons of women "retire" when they have kids. Why can't a man?
    I don't agree with Tim, and I also don't agree with the overwhelmingly finance-based advice because to have one parent at home is better than having none, but there's a difference. Don't tell anyone, but men and women are different.

    And yes, while being a stay at home parent may seem appealing compared to being burnt out at your job at 30, I doubt he (or you) know what you're in for. Which is alright too, people do whatever they have to when they have to, but unless he is a certain personality type (for example INFP on Myers Briggs), dads are generally not geared for the same kind of stay at home parenting that moms are.
    Last edited by legobikes; 01-24-2020, 12:01 PM.

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    • #17
      I married in college and had my first kid at the end of third year of medical school so I have some firsthand knowledge here :-) I don't regret my choices but I will say that having kids in med school is really hard. I was fortunate to take a year off to be home with my son. He was 2 when I started residency. My husband continued working full time. I really, really, really missed my son during residency, especially the first year. I don't really remember that year or him at that age. Even if your husband is home, you need to take into consideration how *you* will feel about being away so much. And having a baby right before or after you take step 1 will pretty much guarantee a lower score. Pregnancy brain is a real thing. And postpartum you will be so tired that studying will be difficult. 4th year of med school is really the best year for a baby. So consider those things too.

      As far as husband staying home- how much debt will you have to take out for med school? Him working full time while you are in med school would save a lot in loans and then he could stay home while you are in residency. If you could keep loans to under 100-150k that would be doable to pay off in 5 years after peds residency with a SAHP. More than that, things would be tight I think. Let me know if you have other questions as you move forward. There aren't too many women who have kids in med school so it can be nice to talk to someone who has done it.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by legobikes View Post
        And yes, while being a stay at home parent may seem appealing compared to being burnt out at your job at 30, I doubt he (or you) know what you're in for. Which is alright too, people do whatever they have to when they have to, but unless he is a certain personality type (for example INFP on Myers Briggs), dads are generally not geared for the same kind of stay at home parenting that moms are.
        And SAH parenting isn't generally geared for dads, so while the endeavor is a bit of an uphill battle for anyone, he needs to understand he's likely to struggle extra. I was fortunate that when we moved for my spouse's residency, we landed in the same town with one of my oldest friends. He and his wife had their first child about a year after I had mine, and he worked part-time from home and cared for the baby full-time. I had MOMS Club, but they were exclusively for women. He got funny looks when he'd take his kid to the park. Moms at library story time excluded him. Stuff like that. It's a rough road even without including all the other SAHP during residency challenges like keeping an extremely tight budget and couponing your heart out and having 24/7 responsibility for everything that comes into and expels from that tiny helpless dependent infant and being alone in a dark house after bedtime on call nights. And then throw the toddler in on top of that? Keeping knee-high dictators quiet enough to let a resident sleep post-call is NOT my idea of fulfilling and joyful work. It's best if full-time child rearing is your absolute dream job, not just the excuse for dropping out of the corporate rat race.

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        • #19
          I suspect that if your husband wanted to continue to work while you were in residency, he probably could and you would come out financially ahead. Between tax credits and any subsidies your hospital may provide and of course your parents providing childcare, the difference between what your husband would make between working and paying for a daycare could be used to fund a roth ira and retire that much earlier. Finances are all about personal choices though, there's nothing wrong with him retiring when you guys have a kid if that's what he wants to do. If you have less income coming in though, you will have less money to spend in the future and you will probably have to work more years before you can retire. It's just a mathematical fact that if you have less money, you either have to spend less or work more years to make up the difference. It's still obviously doable. It's probably less of a mathematical difference between him working vs not working then you choosing to do pediatrics as opposed to ortho or neurosurgery or something. Nothing wrong with choosing pediatrics, you can still have an upper middle class lifestyle and retire eventually, but you will have less disposable income in your lifetime to spend then had you chosen a higher paying specialty. I don't think that I am wired to stay home with a kid 24/7, I don't think that my wife is either; he may feel differently after you guys have a kid, he may not. You guys will have more money to spend in your lifetime and be less dependent on you working for as many years if he were to continue to work though.

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          • #20
            "to have one parent at home is better than having none, but there's a difference. Don't tell anyone, but men and women are different."
            I have to agree with you 100%. My point not that a parent raising kids isn't a "great way to go". The qualifier is whether in total it is affordable and best for the family.

            Per OP, "he stated that he would like to quit his job to stay home with our kids as soon as that is financially feasible for us." A ton of things go right or wrong, not near enough information if the benefits are worth it and at which stage of child development.
            My guess is they don't have an accurate picture of what the income will be now and in the future nor the impact student loans will have. For all I know, she might decide on Pediatric Orthopedic Surgery because she can do it and desires to at least double her income. Do what you need to do is the message until you can afford it.

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            • #21
              One step at a time. I am all for planning, but there are way too many variables along the way. I think most docs will tell you that they planned on being one type of doctor and ended up being another. One major piece of advice I would give though, is to research what the pay is for the residency program and figure out what the cost of living is in that area. I thought my financial situation was tough in medical school until I got into residency. I started residency with a household income of 40K in a MMA and a stay-at-home spouse. We got through it, but it was rough.

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              • #22
                this thread is closed until the OP responds and can redirect the conversation.
                OP please PM a mod to reopen when you are ready.

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